Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The most genious promotional idea ever

(the middle finger gets edited out later)

I was already going to see the ATHF movie next month, but now millions of other people are going to consider seeing it too:

Are we a nation of paranoid idiots or what???
You mean to tell me no one knew what a Mooninite was?
Its amazing that they refer to the "suspicious object" as a "package"... there is nothing container-like about that thing. It looks like a crudely constructed Lite Brite -- how the fuck could someone possibly mistake that as a bomb?

Oh well, such entries are usually reserved for my auxillary blog, but this one seems to be losing steam so there you go.

ps - I'm signing a record contract tomorrow on a local label! - czech it out if you favor

Sunday, January 28, 2007

The Ultimate Saturday Evening

1.) Go out and attempt to be social... fail.
2.) Go home, drink more, and attempt to play geometry wars... succeed.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Small Man, Big Thetans

You guys probably heard this already, but I thought it was Cleansmanship-worthy.,,4-2007030603,00.html

Cruise 'is Christ' of Scientology

TOM Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology, according to leaders of the cult-like religion.

The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world.

And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure.

“Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.” (hahahaha this is my favorite line)

Cruise joined the Church of Scientology in the ’80s. Leader L Ron Hubbard claimed humans bear traces of an ancient alien civilisation.


"Scientology is right and good, for you too. Err.. On second thought, how much do you make again??"

"OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behavior of, both animals and human beings. At the highest levels, they are allegedly liberated from the physical universe, to the point where they can psychically control what Scientologists call MEST: Matter, Energy, Space and Time."

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The following takes place between 3:00 AM and 4:00 AM

3:00-3:15 am: Jack Bauer slept

3:15-3:20 am: Jack Bauer got up & took a piss

3:20-3:30 am: Jack Bauer slept

3:30 am: Jack Bauer pulled the cover up over his head to try and drown out the raging party of his obnoxious neighbors in the apartment next door. He had a long fuckin' day, by the end of which some few hundred thousand people had died for reasons partly his own fault. He had been stabbed, shot, burned, skinned, tortured with surgical devices, blown up, poisoned, and family members as well as friends & girlfriends had all been killed. Jack gave up wondering how so much could go wrong all so quickly a few years ago - usually in the course of 24 hours it seemed to always be - as it was seemingly wont to happen, like his trials were some masochistic spectacle for millions of invisible watchers.

3:35 am: Jack Bauer gets up, the liquid rage un-cementing in his bod like a hot molten steel flowing out of a broken cast. He is not happy. He puts on the top half of his Transformers pajamas and goes into the building hallway to confront his neighbor.

3:47 am: "Yo what up Jacky boy!! Nice p.j.'s! Have a fuckin shot a Bacardi you fuckin party rhineocerous! Shit yeahhh!!" The neighbor had beaten Jack to the door, but now Jack was about to beat his neighbor. An explanation of why was not necessary. If the neighbor hadn't been so torn he might have noticed the look in Jack's eyes that would have warned him of the impending damage he was about to receive.

3:48 am: Jack took the shot from the neighbor and poured it into his mouth, swishing the fermented rye goodness around in his gums. He then pulled out a lighter from his pocket, flicked it in front of his face and spewed burning hot liquor all over his neighbor's face. The neighbor fell to the ground, but Jack didn't waste any time letting the pain set in as he placed the shotglass upside-down over his neighbors right eye socket and proceeded to stomp it into his ocular cavity, separating the ball from its anatomic home.

3:50 am: "Take this shot, you ignorant fuck!" Jack pulled the neighbor up by the hair and held the eyeball containing shotglass up to his burnt mouth, forcing his lips and gums to open with his other hand. "You have no fuckin idea what I went through today, do you?" Jack asked as the severed eyeball fell into its owner's mouth. "Do you?!" Jack kicked the man back to the ground, and proceeded to stomp on his chest until his ribcage was nice and pulverized, and the man's heart had been stopped by the bone fragments which had pierced it. "Now I'm gonna get some fuckin sleep, and if any of you try to stop me I'm gonna bite your fuckin dick off!!"

3:55 am: Jack Bauer fell back asleep.

Friday, January 12, 2007

World Leader Pretend

As I was watching Bush's speech about increasing the number of troops in Iraq, all I could think of was this song by R.E.M. It was written near the end of the Reagan Presidency, yet it's striking how little has changed:

World Leader Pretend - R.E.M.

I sit at my table and wage war on myself
It seems like it's all, it's all for nothing
I know the barricades, and
I know the mortar in the wall breaks
I recognize the weapons, I used them well

This is my mistake. Let me make it good
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down

I've a rich understanding of my finest defenses
I proclaim that claims are left unstated,
I demand a rematch
I decree a stalemate
I divine my deeper motives

I recognize the weapons
I've practiced them well. I fitted them myself

It's amazing what devices you can sympathize, empathize
This is my mistake. Let me make it good
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down

Reach out for me and hold me tight. Hold that memory
Let my machine talk to me, let my machine talk to me

This is my world
And I am world leader pretend
This is my life
And this is my time
I have been given the freedom
To do as I see fit

It's high time I've razed the walls
That I've constructed

You fill in the mortar. You fill in the harmony
You fill in the mortar. I raised the wall
And I'm the only one
I will be the one to knock it down

Friday, January 05, 2007

Continue this story part II

Dog the Bounty Hunter steadied the 4 inch needle above the inside of his left elbow, already starting to pre-rush off the knowledge that he would soon be avalanched into an icey butterworld of goodness.

"Yeah, that's the stuff brother.." he muttered under his 50-something-year-old-halitosis-plagued breath, as he sank the metal prick deep down inside his crusty vein.

Dog was aware of the irony that, in order to catch iceheads he himself had to do ice, but after all it was only to be able to get inside their gluttonous, philistinic mentality.

The steroidal hair metal enthusiast laid back in his swivel chair at Honolulu's Da Kine Bail Bonds, a spreading smile stretching the wrinkles across his face, like seismic crevasses opening near a fault line after a major earthquake.

But, 10 seconds later, something wasn't quite right. Instead of being encompassed by the usual pure bliss & clarity, a feeling of unease captured his bod... soon followed by sheer pain coming from the inside... What was wrong? Someone had replaced the contents of his needle!