Saturday, December 27, 2008

BTW... Fuck the Celtics!

We are going to rape their mothers and call them Sally.

Good job, Warriors in demoralizing the once-mighty dillhole Boston Celtics and giving them a preview of the gaping asshole they will be the owner of when the Lakers ream them out in the finals.

Happy birthday, Cyrus!.. you fuckin' nugget.

Kevin and I are torn as fuck and just want to wish you a sweet, sweet nectar zone, that is not unlike the kind of nectar zone you can achieve when your penis is plunged deeply into the box of a tight Asian female.

We love you, Broseph! Watch out for the squirrel bones, dog.

Doug E. Dougerson told me to tell you, that his penis zits are under control.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My Battle With Roy Masters

I am sitting on my couch on a weekend night, as I usually do to try and save money -- feebly, I might add -- because I am mulling over going to 7-11. I could easily just fall asleep, and I'm feeling a force compelling me to not go. Yet I'm realizing I must fight this force with another greener force.

My brother is describing to me the extraordinary and remarkable powers of a Mr. Roy Masters. He's saying crazy things, like this man is actually 2432 years old. That he has the strength of 10 men. That his powers of telekinesis are beyond my wildest comprehensions. He's telling me that Roy Masters has the ability to remotely kill a person without so much as leaving a cause of death.

An ancient protectorate of the secrets of the universe, Roy Masters can travel through time, replace his victim's consciousness with his own, sees all and knows all. My brother is whispering to me that Roy Masters knows about my plans to go to 7-11, and that he is not pleased.

"I'm going to 7-11," I'm proclaiming. "And not even Roy Masters can stop me!"

"Don't you say that!" My brother is shouting. "Don't you dare say that! Have you gone completely mad?!"

Roy will never find me, I'm thinking to myself as I hop over the hut thatch gate and into the nearest rickshaw heading with the flow of traffic. There's a lot of rickshaws out tonight. Then all of the sudden its hitting me. This indescribable pain in my brain is making its way down to my hypothalamus, severely disregulating my glandular activity.

I'm screaming out in agony, "Damn you Roy!" to my only audience of the rickshaw boy, who is staring back at my terrified maw with a horror of his own. My face is beginning to melt from the acidity of concentrated hormones secreting out through the pores, and I may have permanent disfigurement across much of my face but I'll be damned if I didn't make it to 7-11 and buy me a 32-oz Slurpee and white cheddar cheese popcorn.

That's right Roy, I beat you! You thought you could stop me but you FAILED! I know you can hear me, and I beat you!

Further reading

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

update on Cock Flea Man

8400 AD: Cock Flea Man is being crushed time and again by intergalactic forces, punished by alien species with advanced weaponry.

8500 AD: If only he hadn't screwed around so long during certain tribal stages he might've had time to develop some more hurtular weapons and shit, before the Wubs from Protea did (alas).

8600 AD: The rain of fury is just too immense: Cock Flea Man dies out, as does Predecessor to Cock Flea Man, Beaked 4-Armed Cock Flea and eventually, Cock Flea 1.0.

8700 AD: All life on planet Derkistan ceases to exist, as does any recorded history of Cock Flea, rendering this synopsis a null set.

8800 AD: Matt Lydon rides large into town, his cyberbody recently having been polished, his brain & memories transplanted & copied into that of a fresh infant. He sets forth re-terraforming planet Derkistan and colonizes it with replicas of himself, soon ready to dominate the galaxy.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Messages for the peoples

CODY - I am currently watching the Suns/Lakers game, and it has convinced me that we should head down to the Staples center sometime before Sarah pops and catch a game. Perhaps we could even swing it during Christmas break. I want to see Pau "Sloppy Eastern European Version of Matt Brown" Gasol make his patented 5 foot hook shot in person.

KEVIN - I think I should buy you this shirt.

CY - I imagine your life as a cross between a rave and a Corona commerical. How close am I to accurately depicting you existence?

MATT - When are you going to come online and help me destroy the HORDE!!!!?!?!?!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Let me Google that for you

A pretty entertaining service, especially when used in proper context against Net Rivals, Impenetrable Scoundrels, and Assorted Unyielding Curmudgeons:

Monday, December 08, 2008

Review: Chinese Democracy, translated into Chinese then back into English

Let us give it the right to: guns Rose Band album, original songs, because the first Bush government is a big, bold, strange and uncompromising hard rock record. In other words, it sounds very much like a rose guns, you know. Sometimes it is a clenched fist five, in 1987 the perfect storm, the destruction of appetite, more common, which is spread out a CD of the original CD-ROM in 1991, Use Your Illusion I and II, but here compressed into a A single CD-ROM supershred spastic guitar, orchestral hip-hop on a grand scale electronics, metal screen and the choir is still the man Axl Rose, rust, the temptation. If Ross had a moment of doubt or remorse for what he cost of democracy in China in terms of time (13 years), money (14 studies included in the credits) and the body count - including the export of all other founding member of the band - as he did not have that 1 in 4 Songs. "I bet you think I do everything for my health," rose through the cracks in the saturation bombing of the guitar, "Internal Revenue Service," one of the few mentioned that the album is short, he would like to know a lot of people, he said : Rose, who is now 46 years old, spent a third of his life running away from the rail, light and a half. But if he shot, "everything possible / I am not going to" splash "down", rather than the arrogance of crazy - just a good old rock and roll, "you speak of" the kind that he and the old tape of the famous warm In the first place. Rose repeatedly broadcast another Chinese Democracy: The restraint is talked about. There are many well-known guitar firepower - the dagger stabbing, licking open the first track, "Chinese democracy" and fuzzy sand devil in Riyadh ñ 'the Bedouin loop and the great distress of the "Street of Dreams." However, the wetlands and Izzy Stradlin to do so for two guitars, is now a wall of them. In some tracks, rose as much as 5 boys - Robin F inck, B uckethead, Paul Tobias, Ron "Bumblefoot" Thales and Richard F ortus-ri ffing solo and a broad, vague zigzag . It does not drag. I still believe that the wild superstuffed "Oh, my God" - China's democratic Early wasted on the track in 1999 End of Days soundtrack - all guns Rose, "including album in 1993, in the spaghetti incident? Most of these songs also make a U-turn by the personalization, as if Rose had been trying for new ways to hook or a bridge, and then decided, 'what the hell they are cool. "" Better ", then began to sound like hip-hop voice mail - a serious squeeze guitar, drums and leave the Near Rose (" no one has yet told me when / I am alone / You just thought, I would like to know better " ) - Above sea level in the old-fashioned Wallop on the Sunset Strip. "If the World" has been picking guitar Buckethead Spain's Blaxploitation movies slot, and Rose showed that he still has a long breath - some torture victims, some screaming aircraft - If no other rock singer. There are so many hours in "some time"-M ellotron string and a powerful chorus and the Ross-o verdubbed roaring sound, wah-wah guitar and a wrong end of the (more Chorus) - It is easy to believe that Rose Most of the time in the past decade, the plan itself. However, chaos has never been more like a poor quality of painful memories and lessons. In the first line, Rose can be traced back to the top much like his own - "broken glass and cigarette / write" on the wall / This is a bargain of the summer / a, 'I think I've had "- and then stack on the ship and Orchestra And the guitar. Finally, this is a big melting of the missing kiss and make a choice ( "If I could go back in time ... but I do not know"). This is the guns Rose, Rose has been hearing in his head the whole time, It is clear why the two guitars, bass and drums is not enough. It is widely too, said he believes that this is a band rose guns, more than the cover, "Welcome to the Jungle," "Sweet child of mine Austria", "love her 'and" civil war. "Wide range of credit , And democracy in China, of course, credit card details when they fall due. My favorite: "The original proposal of the agreement:" The youth in "Madagascar." Rose is a big - "language lyrics' A xl melody from the Rose" - but Shares of all songs signed with other actors, but the road. Bassist Tommy Stinson played almost every song, dizziness keyboard Reid, the only survivor of the fantasy line is Elton John Grand piano style of "Street of Dreams." However, Ross is still singing a lot about the power of pure and simple, isolated, even if he engaged in a great struggle, because "democratic China." "Madagascar" because Rose has been playing live for several years, he not only samples of Dr. Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech and dialogue Luke's cold hand. And at the end of the album, bluntly called "prostitutes", the impact of the rose almost conversational tone to a time bomb cards, 5 of the dam guitar flash Orchestra, the only lament: "You ask / Why am I the election / prostitutes to me / Well-being and living in shame. "For him, the long march of democracy in China is not a paranoid and controlling. That is to say to him: "I will not," If all the other insisted, "you need." You can discuss whether it is worth record extremes of rock self-indulgence. In fact, most of the rock, then democracy in China, he is not careful, if you do so.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Some Random Ridiculum

Today I read a story about how Hawaii is the 2nd healthiest state in the Union (Vermont is #1 and Louisiana is #50), but that's mainly because its hardly a state at all, and is in large dominated by lean & toned Asian folk.

The story itself paled in comparison to the first reader comment. Usually reader commentary is just people trying to demonstrate how miserable and uneducated they are to the world, but occasionally you'll get the comedic zinger, which sometimes even rivals the output of professional comedy writers. In this day and age you really have to sort through the filth to find nuggets of wisdom and humor, like this one:

State rankings

"I am proud of Louisiana for not being inhibited in their eating. You never hear of hunger strikes in Louisiana prisons. Down south trans-fat is considered a nutrient, not a poison. We have even considered putting it in vitamin pills. I am sure those healthy diet, narrow blood vessel, Northerners would keel over in no time with our Louisiana diet. Fried is fabulous, let the Californians have their fat free flounder. Louisiana will be flooded with research money for obesity and cardiovascular disease an important economic stimulus in tough times. Obesity should not be viewed as a drag on health care but as a strategic fat reserve to be used in time of famine, similar to our strategic oil reserves. When the lord punishes our inequity with famine, it will be Louisiana that will survive and they will not even need manna unless it is deep fried. A new chosen group will emerge as predicted by the movie Wall-E. "

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Monday, December 01, 2008

A Quick Question About Henry Paulson

Henry Paulson, Secretary of the Treasury for another 40 days or so, made $163 million in 2006 alone as CEO of Goldman Sachs. He held this position right up until he was tapped by G. Dub for his current job.

Paulson is creator, supporter and executor of the now infamous Bailout Bill, which grants the government the authority to pay up to $700 billion to banks and lenders who went bust from making shitty loans.

Goldman Sachs, one of the first lenders to receive money ($12 billion) from the bailout bill, will pay out about $14 billion in bonuses to its executives this Christmas. It is currently attempting to buy out other failing banks in order to qualify for future bailout funds, even though there is no guarantee the this taxpayer money will be used to help failing mortgages, toxic assets or do anything to aid the situation.

Paulson is a Christian Scientist. (How such "smart" people can still hold such stupid beliefs I'll never know. [Christian Science is stupid. There is no presupposition or argument here.]) So, couldn't he have simply prayed in his offtime for the recovery the economy? It would have done just as much good as the bailout bill, and would have been far less expensive.

Alas, the danged separation of Church and State kept this from happening...

So, my question to Paulson is, how are you not an accomplice to the biggest raping of the American taxpayer that a White House administration has ever orchestrated?

Between the War on Terror and the Bailout Bill, its rational to assume that Bush will go down as the most wasteful (if not "worst") president ever.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Independent States of His or Her Self

A leading Russian political analyst has said the economic turmoil in the United States has confirmed his long-held view that the country is heading for collapse, and will divide into separate parts. Professor Igor Panarin said in an interview with the respected daily IZVESTIA published on Monday:

"The dollar is not secured by anything. The country's foreign debt has grown like an avalanche, even though in the early 1980s there was no debt. By 1998, when I first made my prediction, it had exceeded $2 trillion. Now it is more than 11 trillion. This is a pyramid that can only collapse."

The paper said Panarin's dire predictions for the U.S. economy, initially made at an international conference in Australia 10 years ago at a time when the economy appeared strong, have been given more credence by this year's events.

When asked when the U.S. economy would collapse, Panarin said: "It is already collapsing. Due to the financial crisis, three of the largest and oldest five banks on Wall Street have already ceased to exist, and two are barely surviving. Their losses are the biggest in history. Now what we will see is a change in the regulatory system on a global financial scale: America will no longer be the world's financial regulator."

When asked who would replace the U.S. in regulating world markets, he said: "Two countries could assume this role: China, with its vast reserves, and Russia, which could play the role of a regulator in Eurasia."

Asked why he expected the U.S. to break up into separate parts, he said: "A whole range of reasons. Firstly, the financial problems in the U.S. will get worse. Millions of citizens there have lost their savings. Prices and unemployment are on the rise. General Motors and Ford are on the verge of collapse, and this means that whole cities will be left without work. Governors are already insistently demanding money from the federal center. Dissatisfaction is growing, and at the moment it is only being held back by the elections and the hope that Obama can work miracles. But by spring, it will be clear that there are no miracles."

He also cited the "vulnerable political setup", "lack of unified national laws", and "divisions among the elite, which have become clear in these crisis conditions." He predicted that the U.S. will break up into six parts - the Pacific coast, with its growing Chinese population; the South, with its Hispanics; Texas, where independence movements are on the rise; the Atlantic coast, with its distinct and separate mentality; five of the poorer central states with their large Native American populations; and the northern states, where the influence from Canada is strong. He even suggested that "we could claim Alaska - it was only granted on lease, after all."

Panarin, 60, is a professor at the Diplomatic Academy of the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and has authored several books on information warfare.


Probably just wishful thinking from a sore loser, still I've always been fascinated with the idea of union dissolution. They forgot to mention what would happen to Hawaii -- After some petty squabbling it would quickly be transformed into the world's first autonomous Technocracy, in which your societal rank would be determined by your ability to generate clean and entertaining digital media. I would take the position of Mayor of Beats.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Trackers Block

Right now I'm listening to some hot trance and thinking, 'man, I should fire up Nuendo and layown some hot tracks of my own'. But I'm not going to because I don't want to become frustrated...

(1) ...after I get sick of the first interesting riff/hook I make up and deem usable.

(2) ...and overwhelmed by the sheer quantity and complexity of free/warezd VST intruments/fx that I have on tap.

(3) ...when some dam warez craps on my head and crashes something.

(4) ...when I can't figure out how to inject some novelty into the repeating phrases.

(5) ...after I realize I'm just better at guitar/ rock music.

So I'm going to be soft/hard (depending on how you look at it) and just blast my pinky/ring finger chops on guitar instead. Then I'll think about how I should make some guitar based trance. Then I'll dismiss that idea because I can't move my dam Pod XT close enough to my computer to wire it up. Though, even if I could I probably wouldn't, because I really have no significant motivation to produce recorded audio anyway.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Virtual Actuality Suit

Here it is, the final solution to all your Virtual Reality needs. Simply put, who needs virtual reality when you can have Actual Reality?

Whats this crazy fuckin' premise, you ask? Well, we personally believe the nextgen virtual reality suit should have vision, arm and leg movements carefully rendered and integrated with the utmost attention to the observable details of reality, just like you do. We believe sound, taste and smell should also be a realistically represented part of the virtual world, just as much as your parents did.

But what sets us apart from the slobs is our firm belief that this philosophy should be rendered to the fullest of possible extent, which includes providing you with the latest in pain simulation technologies. Sports, Action, Adventure and War games will take on a whole new definition of the meaning of virtual reality with the Virtual Actuality suit.

FEEL the defensive lineman's season-ending blow to your pelvis. PRAY for your death as zombies eat your flesh. EXPERIENCE true hell in man-to-alien combat.

THE VIRTUAL ACTUALITY SUIT delivers "artificial" pain to your brain's pain centers, tricking the brain into thinking it is receiving real pain! The suit also electronically activates jabbing pressure plates to recreate bullets, knives, javelins and maces, giving you that last touch to your video game experience that you were subconsciously wetting your bed over. I bet you didn't know that was why, did you?! NOW YOU KNOW!!!

Coming in 2009, the Gerification Suit -- no longer do you have to just simulate advanced age in your favorite Sim games!

(disclaimer: metaphors and similes were not used in these descriptions. you will die if you use these products.)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The New Old Enterprise

I know there are a couple of pretty core Star Trek fans on here, and I myself enjoy a good episode of TNG every now and then, and I never get tired of Wrath of Kahn. So I ask this: What do you think of this idea of a Star Trek prequel? I'm naturally skeptical, but J.J. Abrams is working on it, and he's also behind my favorite TV show, LOST. So, I have no idea what to think. Just by looking at the ship, you can tell that they're not going to worry too much about affecting preexisting Star Trek continuity, but do we care? If it's a good movie, I don't think I will care. I guess it's basically done at this point, but no one has really seen it yet. It will be interesting to see how everyone reacts to this thing. I kinda think that with the whole "Star Trek is back!" thing going on, this film will make more money than most of the other ST films. I mean, it's teachnically an odd-numbered ST film, which is generally a bad thing, but with the new young punks in the film, the little ones might actually see it, and you know the aging nerd set will see it, probably more than once.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Aphex Twin - Alberto Balsalm

warning, contains drawing and quartering...

speaking of disturbing videos, anybody seen this gem yet? (relevant b/c it was produced by Eric Wareheim)

Monday, November 10, 2008

Friday, November 07, 2008

bringing change, and dollar bills...

I was so happy about Thom Yorke being remixed into Dubstep that I tried to add it as a widget ----------------->

So that's what that is all about... It can always be removed or replaced, feel free at no expense to my ego; if you're reading this then you probably have the power to do so. Just thought I'd try something new.

If we wanted to get really sophisticated we could have a joint Imeem account with an open playlist as the widget, to which we could add or remove various jamz of interest. But since this isn't the fervent hotbed of revolutionary discourse that it used to be, I'll let somebody else pick the ball up on that one...

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Like GlaDOS, I'm still alive

I've been out of the blogosphere for a while, as shitty aspects of the world have been hurtin' my girtin'. But watching Obama make his acceptance speech, I was suddenly myself inspired to contribute to the common good. I also realized that despite what I've said elsewhere, I actually genuinely like this guy. I've never been able to say that about a President and really mean it. Did anyone else expect Obama to start quoting Ezekiel 25:17? That speech was only infinitely better than anything that Bush has ever said. Just a slight step up from our last President. It actually seems unbelievable that Bush was never impeched - just based on his general incompetence.

Fable II is clean. I hear Fallout 3 is even cleaner, but it will be some time before I tackle that badboy. I've watched all the "Making of..." stuff and it is pure joy. I love the fact that you can sneak up on people and put live grenades in their pockets. Mmm, mmm, good.

Politics is such a strange concept. You are supposed to lable all ideas as binary. That seems pretty fucked up to me.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Economic Girlie Men

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AFP) – Muscleman-turned-actor-turned-politician Arnold Schwarzenegger called on Barack Obama to beef up his his policies -- and his body -- at a high-voltage campaign rally for Republican John McCain Friday.

Schwarzenegger, the Hollywood action hero who is now the Republican governor of California, delighted a crowd of several thousand at a McCain campaign event in Ohio by ridiculing both Obama's policies and his slender physique.

The Austrian-born former Mr Universe has hosted a bodybuilding tournament in Columbus for several years, and opened his address by inviting Obama to participate in the next event.

"Every year in March I come here to organize the Arnold Classic, which is all about building the body and pumping," Schwarzenegger said.

"That's why I want to invite Senator Obama because he needs to do something about those skinny legs. I'm going to make him do some squats.

"And then we're going to make him do some biceps curls to beef up those scrawny little arms."

(sounds like something one of us would make up, but its true! God bless Kaleefonia!)

Thursday, October 30, 2008


Oh yeah... its been out for like 3 months already, but I actually had a real track released on a real CD, you guys.

Its pretty sweet, Co might be able to identify the main sample, I'll give you a clue, the bands name starts with the letter "M", and no, its not "M" the band. That would be tight though.

Give er a rip: "Creed Chameleon - Inkorporation"

Winner gets a digitally-signed copy of the mp3 single.

The MC is this guy Creed Chameleon, he draws a lotta folks to shows in these parts. Hopefully he'll let me DJ that song for him live sometime. You know, put the instrumental CD on and stand there and rock out on stage. I still have yet to play with Ableton, but I think all this time has been lost without it, so I'ma bring change to this muv like Al Pacino in Heat.

Rick Wright, RIP

Happened almost 2 months ago already.

The keyboard player for Pink Floyd. I posted about it on my lame website.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Monday, October 13, 2008

An Exemplary Dougstep Track

Skream - Dutch Flowerz


Notice the emphasis on 16th notes, and I think there's some triplets in there but my brain hurts too much from work to really comprehend much.

I started writing "Doubstep" but thought Dougstep sounded better.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Sunday, October 05, 2008

The Fragmented Orchestra

Why is it that every time I drink a lot I feel an intense urge to watch Episode III?

Specifically, I feel an intense longing to see the scene where Mace Windu and the Jedi dillholes get owned by Sidious.

Friday, September 26, 2008

What propaganda?

Uh... only one problem with this ad (from today's Wall Street Journal online)...

The debate is a few hours from now... in the future.

That's pretty hilarious -- no matter what happens -- even if he soiled himself on national TV, fell asleep during the debate or went into long-winded stories about the old days during the middle of his answers, his campaign already knows that he won!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I never post anymore.

With work harshing my realm, it’s all I can do to get home and power up the DVR or 360. The sweet embrace of my digital technology keeps me warm and distracted.

At least I’ve been heating up my guitar chops consistently, but I never read anymore and I know my brain is getting mushy in certain regions.

I probably just need to ramp up my drinking in order to compensate for the various negative forces that are working against me. That should balance things out and keep me on an even keel.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Masterers of the Audioverse

Audio mastering is truly a 4th-dimensional task, which my brain has yet to fully grope.

I remember learning about Fourier Transforms in grad school, and was wondering if any of you technuts might know if such a thing exist for measuring DB across an audio waveform. That way I can quickly see where my levels need boosting, and which instruments are too loud in the mix. It turns out I don't have such a good ear for high- and low- end frequencies. The middle frequencies I'm all over.

There's a "new" type of electronic music coming out which is all about clean production, and has only existed for a couple years under its proper name, which is Dubstep. Though I simply don't have the technological capacity to make its trademark deep, clean and round sounds, required for proper blasting on a club audio system, I am in love with the beat, because its unlike anything else currently going on -- I know you already might not believe me but you gotta check it out...

Its like a hybrid of drum n bass, dub, hip hop and techno. A lotta 32nd notes at 70 (or 16th notes @ 140) bpms makes it seem kinda breakbeat-y, but its slower than your traditional breakbeat, yet faster than hip hop and house.. unless you wanna dance all slow and reggae-y at half-time. Thats whats great about it, you can dance Dubstep fast or slow, or both at the same time, its really up to you...

Friday, September 12, 2008

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

"New" Mitch Hedberg CD came out yesterday

I guess its mostly new material but he hadn't quite finished the delivery for a lot of it. Supposedly there's a lot more crowd interaction in this show. When I lived in Lawndale, I remember thinking about seeing Mitch Hedberg when he was performing at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood, but was like, "well I'll see him some day, today I'm just gonna sit at home and be gay..." Then he died like 2 days later.

In any case, you can listen to his new CD for free at (they let you play like 28 track free before you have to subscribe), and am gonna try and find a torrent for it when I get home...

I can't believe he's not mentioned in the Comedy Central Top 100 Comedians list, he's better than Andrew Dice Clay (#95), Sinbad (#65) and Gallagher (#100) combined. Why not take all 3 off the list and replace them with Mitch, Hed and Berg? Or take all 3 off, put on Mitch, and leave the two positions next to him open, so he has room to stretch out...

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Good Headphones


Before tonight, it had been far too long since I’d spent a good three hours listening to music with quality headphones. I’m not talking about those tinny-sounding little ear buds, but rather the big blasters that engulf your skull and provide real bass response.

You hear so many nuances and little nuggets that you would normally miss. You notice that there are actually four guitar tracks instead of just two, and you hear that really quiet vocal harmony.

I think these are headphones that Josh bought for me back in the M days. Thanks, Josh. It’s a gift that has kept on giving for some time. There used to be a thin faux leather coating that covered the ear muffs, but it has long since dissolved leaving only the warm foam in which I currently find my auditory receptors to be ensconced.

Of course, it helps to augment this type of experience with alcohol or something comparable.

I’m a weekend alcoholic, a mediocre guitar player and a passable computer programmer. I go through the motions and continue to eat food, shit, pay bills and exist without providing any useful output for the world.

Sometimes I watch the movie Predator when it comes on HBO HD.

Fuck, man. Predator actually is a pretty darn good movie… especially in 1080 lines of resolution on a 46” Samsung.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Do you ever wonder?

Where it comes from?

You know, that weird drive in your brain that tells you that you've gotta do stuff that you really don't want to do?

Do you ever ask yourself about the importance (or lack thereof) in daily tasks?

Do you ever want to quit life? (But not die, mind you)

Are these questions emo, or existential, or worse, are they positivist?

Why am I have a resurgence in interest in philosophy?

Do you have days where you can't derive pleasure from the usual activities?

Do you ever think you should be doing or thinking about something else?

Do you find shortcuts so you have less work to do, yet end up feeling bad about taking said shortcuts?

If you ever feel this way, I have advice! Not to worry!

You may need medication. You know when you feel the weight of sadness. Your eyes are always looking at the ground, and tacos just don't taste right anymore. Look, there's a rain cloud over your head. Is there nothing you can do? Now you can! I'm not going to tell you though - I will leave you in dispair. The only thing you'll have to comfort you at night is the sound of your dog Sparkles the Unicorn panting and eating your shoes.

This preceding post was brought to you by The Coallition of the Willing Emotional Poets and Cyclists.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Now I hate the world (mid-day tangential thread)

Fuck everybody (thats not in Cleansmanship).
People can kiss my ass.

Josh, the day after we played Madden my Xbox 360 died. It couldn't handle the agony of defeat and killed itself... I'm falling behind in Madden Chops so I've reverted back to playing Madden 2005 for PS2... And Fight Night 3 and GTA SA.

What I miss about San Andreas was the vast amount of cheats, such as the jetpack and the ability to recruit any pedestrian as a gang member. If you stand on an overpass and recruit a bunch of gang members, then slightly hover past the side of the overpass, you can get some pretty sweet mass suicides going.

Its of course also fun to load up a car with a bunch of homies, turn on the cars fly cheat, take off and achieve maximum heights, and open the door and get out, causing the homies to follow suit. You can watch them plummet to their deaths from the comfort of your own parachute, which you cheated for yourself moments earlier.

Fight Night 3 is all about making one super huge buff & perfect guy fight one small thin & unskilled guy, usually its "Bane vs. Little Billy" or something like that. I like to see how much damage I can inflict on the opponent and see how many places I can make him bleed before the ref steps in and calls it. Sometimes the featherweights just get flayed after a round and are no good to anybody, so if you wanna actually see some substantial damage you gotta move up to welter or middleweight.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I Hate The Cool Kids

I've always hated the cool kids.

I hated the cool kids in elementary school, junior high and high school, along with the celibration of conformity and mediocrity to which they are intrinsically attached.

Now I hate the hip hop duo, "The Cool Kids." Before I ever even heard their music, I was almost certain they would suck, just based on their image and their name. Give your product a self-important title and an image that appeals to the mindless youth masses, and you have an appropriate vehicle for your exceptionally well-produced, over-regurgitated pop-garbage package. Man, the formula is so predictable.

So, after seeing them grace the covers of this magazine and that, hearing them mentioned by so and so, today I listened to a track by them for the first time. I went into it with an open mind I swear, and sure enough it was quite poor.

So fuck you, Cool Kids. You may be rich and well-liked, but you make the world a slightly stupider place to live in.


I don't know what the point of this post was exactly but I do feel better about things for the moment.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Obama causes presidential row over Biden's wife

Two days after declaring senator Joe Biden his vice presidential running-mate, Barack Obama may have to go back to the cutting room.

The Democratic nominee was caught exchanging some deep-heated passion with the senator's wife in a moment of camera candor, when what appeared to be a routine exchange of spousal greetings unexpectedly turned into a show-stopping romantic flare-up.

"That's my bitch," fumed Biden over the unexpected transpiration of events. "I kissed his on the cheek, so he kisses mine on the mouth? That's fucked up, and its not how I roll..."

"It was her idea," retorted Obama. "Shit, I'm Barack Obama, son. I make Michael Phelps look like Ted Bundy. What would I want with her pale stank-ass anyway?"

The two vowed to throw down right then and there at first, but after Biden saw a good-sized blunt fall out of Obama's back pocket moments later, he reckoned they could make good of the situation by smoking it down and then playing some Madden '09, so long as he could be the Chargers.

"If you've got LT on your team and you know how to use him correctly, you should be able to win just about every match-up," mused Biden.

As of 3:30 pm, the Democratic candidatorial crisis seemed to have been averted, despite reports of racial epithets, loud drum n bass music and large volumes of smoke wafting from the presidential gaming suite.

Perhaps a speech or two would be missed this convention, but important progress was still to be made. Biden's team went on to defeat Obama's lackluster Bears 31-17, thus adequately comforting his bruised ego and affirming his decision to stick as VP.

"Grossman just didn't bring his good shoes to work today," opined Obama over the loss.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Church of Keeping It Real

So you want to be Realer or Realest?

Simply abide by these 10 Brommandments and you’re guaranteed never to be a fake-ass poser again!

1. Thou shalt not talk stink, smack or dirt about a homie unless they deserve it.
2. Thou shalt always keep bros before hos.
3. Thou shalt not be a hater but a player congratulator.
4. Thou shalt not make shit up about their lives unless trying to impress a female.
5. Thou shalt recognize no other prophet before or after Tupac, and that he was killed by the government.
6. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s rims.
7. Thou shalt let the dollar circulate.

(uh I could only come up with 7 so far)
(Im gonna make church pamphlets with a P.O. box address and tell people to send me money to keep it real for them)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Kiteboarder is a dumbass

The guy was trying to catch waves with a board and a kite (the board must have come off his feet at some point) in hurricane weather, and apparently forgot to let go after he was dragged onto the shore... But the dude lived, so the film can be funny and not snuff.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

T-Shirt Idea

It would be awesome to have a "Michael Phelps Sucks" t-shirt, not because I really think he sucks... just because everyone is so in love with him and wants to smoke his pole right now.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Friday, August 08, 2008

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Penn & Teller

... are a great comedic/magician duo. I dunno what it is about these guys but I really like them. I feel like I could kick it with them, knock back a shot of crown and a brew chaser.

If you've never seen their Showtime show "Bullshit," I highly recommend it. The subject of this particular expose is Anger Management, and its tie into being Cleansmanship-worthy (besides the simple fact that "B.S." is an awesome show), is at about 15:30, when an "Anger Management Pianist" explains how he shifts his clients' "dark energy into light energy" through his personalized piano compositions, "releasing the cellular imprint of your anger."

Penn & Teller: Bullshit! Anger Management -

Monday, August 04, 2008

Tribute to Jean-Michelle Jarre

Jean-Michel Jarre - by Bill Bailey

The Grind

The grind is rife with burn.

The grind will burn you in a particular moment of clarity, when you stop to wonder what its all about and if it indeed gets any better than the times you've had in the past.

The grind slowly wears down, decays your product. Once brand new and factory sealed, its been outta the box for a quite some time, and your customers wonder how much more mileage it might be getting.

The grind does not stop or slow down. Contrary to popular myth, it does not increase in intensity over time, but one's ability to shake it off is what decreases.

The grind may not be gravy but without it we'd all be dull.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Important SW related question

Do you think that Jedi could generate lightning? Why is it necessarily a power only available to the Sith?

I suck.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Midget tries to break cuffs (take two)

Unfortunately the video I just posted has already been removed from YouTube. It featured a buff midget trying to evade a cop by doing back flips and climbing up a street light.

Here's a YTMND of the final few seconds of the encounter in which the midget tries to break his handcuffs.


Thursday, July 24, 2008

Format change and admin rights.

Per Josh's request I decided to change our blog template.

Also, I've granted all of you guys admin rights so you can tweak things. Just don't revoke my admin status or I'll start up the cutting.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Quick Question

Anyone want to play Fantasy Football? Anyone?



It's really fun!

My league needs at least one more dude. Or chick. Or whatever. If you know anyone who'd be interested, let me know.

Question 2: Does my posting style make me the Carrot Top of bloggers?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Johnny Rico!

The first movie was really, really good in a bad way, or maybe bad in a good way. I never saw the second movie, but heard it was soft. One can only guess what the straight-to-DVD third installment will be like. This could be the next Megalodon... Cambria time, anyone?

Monday, July 14, 2008

some more nerdery

god bless the internet and people with shitloads of free time

ps im gonna be in SB this weekend, we should kick it

Friday, July 11, 2008

An Idea for a Science Fiction movie

WTF: The Movie

An ordinary man -- extraordinary circumstances. Layperson Jimmy Skywalker wakes up to discover himself in a strange environment: foreign landscapes jetting out from an ocean-dominated celestial sphere, hurtling through the vast reaches of space. Without reason or purpose to guide his newfound state of his existence, Skywalker must come to terms in accepting his placelessness within the infinitely small fraction of time he calls a lifetime.

Rated M for Metaphysical

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Prepare for the End of Gays.

In case you guys didn't notice I just obliterated my Facebook and MySpace accounts. I never updated them anyway and I decided it was time be done with the social networking sites.

On a completely unrelated note: When I'm drinking, I find it very hard to restrain my usage of the word "gay", which ends up causing problems when I'm in the presence of people who are gay or bisexual. I'm not very PC.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

quote of the day

"I'd like to see a portable version of Pro Tools so I could make beats in my car."
-Snoop Dogg, on mp3 players

Thursday, July 03, 2008


There is a slow, deep burn approaching Goleta. My parents were just evacuated from their home, so I'm sure that Kevin and his folks were also. I know that I'm not in any imminent danger of getting burnt, but it's still pretty ominous around here.

The power has been off an on, and I think the surges have been raping my XBOX 360 which just displayed the dreaded read circle of death.

Dumb earthquakes and fires in California.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

My previous post about games

I ran that post through an English to Spanish translator, then back to English. The results were lolz.

Each has a friend (or perhaps, as in my case, HE IS the friend) who plays the games of the GTA per hours loves them, but the whole time finishes to only two missions excellent that the game is towards outside and. Yep, you are speaking with that individual now. I have owned each game of the GTA that is sent for xbox, never I have obtained remotely near games uses of those of the completion yet. It does not close. Here it is why: To kill people at random is the BEST part of GTA. Taking to girls and taking places them and watching cutscenes with evident racism, - insipid - insipid insipid… who takes care of! People of the slaughter! Cars of the explosion! I try - I really do - attempt to me to finish the missions, but just noncare enough. He is just so hard to take freakin Micaela that rolls another one more hour. He is hard to take care of on a little stupid van of the game when you can find many the perfectly throughout not exploded vans in the game. Here it is where the codes of the cheater come in practitioner. I assume certain level of total number of readers of gamer in this site, thus, deign really not to put the codes here. You know where to find them if you have not used them already. Whereas I extended envelope in my blog (shamless fits), the fall of the boats of the sky on the cars is time and time again an inexplicable joy. Also you can secure portions of arms. And boats. The best part on the boats of fall in people is that when she dies, of the boat who finishes falling in her head, nobody knows that you made any thing. Police does not fumigate to him. They hardly make his thing, and you can take all the money. It is a sweet distribution. Passing another obsession recent, the forgetfulness has destroyed to me. I have played by near 120 hours until now in this character, I cannot yet be engaged in to make the pairs passed of things that I need to make to finish the main search. “It thinks about the points of gamer” Fodder me, a strong, deep-ingrained voice says yet to me that “it thinks about the side-searches” Yes, I know that you can make the side-searches after main history has finished, but I want to be a beast when I defeat the game.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Music is in the air...

Notice how the virtual keyboard is layered 3 dimensionally.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Some thoughts on some games

Everyone has a friend (or perhaps, as in my case, IS the friend) who plays the GTA games for hours, loves them, but only completes two missions the entire time the game is out and relevant. Yep, you're talking to that guy right now. I've owned every GTA game that's been released for the xbox, yet I've never gotten remotely close to finishing any of the games. Not close.

Here's why: Killing random people is the BEST part of GTA. Picking up girls and taking them places and watching the cutscenes with the blatant racism, blah, blah, blah...who cares! Kill people! Blow up cars! I try - I really do - I try to complete the missions, but I just don't care enough. It's just so hard to take freakin' Michelle bowling yet another time. It's hard to care about some stupid get-away van when you can find many perfectly not exploded vans everywhere in the game.

That's where the cheat codes come in handy. I assume a certain level of gamer readership on this site, thus, I will not deign to actually putting the codes on here. You know where to find them if you haven't already used them. As I expanded upon in my blog (shamless plug), dropping boats out of the sky onto cars over and over again is an inexplicable joy. Also you can get lots of weapons. And boats. The best part about dropping boats on people is that when they die, from the boat that just dropped on their head, no one knows that you did anything. The cops don't bug you. They just do their thing, and you can take all the money. It's a sweet deal.

Going over to my other recent obsession, Oblivion has destroyed me. I've played for close to 120 hours so far on this character, yet I cannot bring myself to do the last couple of things I need to do to complete the main quest. "Think of the gamer points!" I think to myself, yet a strong, more deeply-rooted voice tells me "Think of the side-quests!" Yes, I know you can do the side-quests after the main story has ended, but I want to be a beast when I defeat the game.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

im surprised no one came up with this idea earlier... they probably did

i like how each of Walter's forearms are as thick as the Dude's head.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Can you believe this shit?

Radiohead Blasted By Veteran Rockers KISS For Giving Their Music Away For Free

Bassist Gene Simmons says the British rockers – who gave fans the choice to download last year's album 'In Rainbows' for free or pay a sum of their choosing - says their decision is contributing to the demise of the record industry and insists his band would never follow suit.

Gene - who starred in reality TV show 'School of Rock' - said: "The record industry is dead. It's six feet underground and unfortunately the fans have done this.* They've decided to download and file share. There is no record industry around so we're going to wait until everybody settles down and becomes civilised. As soon as the record industry pops its head up we'll record new material."

Oooh and I shall continue to hold my fucking breath until then...

*What a fagbot. The fans are to blame? He owes everything he has to the fans.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Retribution (Classic M lyrics)

The attraction of distraction is wearing thin.
I forget but think my way back in.
If ignorance is bliss then knowledge can't be power.
I feel neither one.
My mind's gone sour.

It's OK if you feel this way.
There's a perfect place for you.
I sincerely hope that you realize there is nothing left to do.

In my evenings, I just can't get away.
And I'm stalked down by my waking days.
Masterless leash has got my running to and fro.
And yet no one tells me where to go.

Stand up.
There's retribution coming for you and yours.
Somewhere over the line, no escaping from your finest side this time.
I came here to rid myself of all these thoughts for good.
And it's easy, when you're unknown, to control your own reflection.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Fuck the Celtics

To Magic Fans, with love and squalor

Also, while making sure I was spelling "squalor" correctly, I ran across this rather strange website:

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

My happiness at this precise moment depends on Aramis Ramirez grounding into a double play against Greg Maddux

Why would anyone play fantasy sports?

Ahm...moving on, I have a real blog post today. Not like one of those non-existent ones I write imaginarily on most days.

Ah, Theriot stole second. Forget about the double play. Let's just hope Maddux gets out of the inning without causing any more damage.

This post was really supposed to be about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls. And no, it didn't suck. Stop with that already. If you thought it sucked, stop reading now and return arranging your freakin' goth albums"necrologically," as you've come to call it.

Naturally, I encountered a lot of assholes as soon as I made the mistake of starting to talk to others on the Internet about Indiana Jones. What came was the following sequence of words and punctuation.

"WORST. INDY. EVER. Heh, silly fanboy, he can still enjoy the tripe being called cinema today."

How far should we stretch our suspension of disbelief when we go to the movies? How far over-the-top is too far over-the-top thus becoming under-the-bottom and really terrible? Having just seen KOTCS, these questions, surprisingly, were not on my mind as I left the theater. I never thought about it. I just kept thinking "Wow, what a great movie! I'm so glad they made another one that captured the particular 'Indiana Jones' essence!" Strangly, I ended up saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore!" Then I yelled as some kids to get off my lawn.

Anyway, it was not until I logged onto the internets and read the incensed ravings of some online amateur critic that I started thinking about KOTCS.

But the real question here was "Why was I thinking that I wasn't thinking enough while watching the new Indy movie?" This is a different world that the one in which Last Crusade was released. The amount of people I "knew" (online anyhow) who were prepared to hate the film was staggering, in large part due to the increased cynicism towards film, particularly towards anything that involves George Lucas, and because Al Gore invented the Internet. Anyone and everyone has become a critic - constantly thinking about films, even ones that clearly aren't meant to be taken seriously - and the Internet has giving them an alarming loud and annoying voice.

In a way this was true in the past as well, now these misunderstood souls have a place to gather and wallow in their own critical genius, egg each other on like a group of Dominicans at a cock fight, and remind everyone that liking any movie that is any fun or entertaining at all is, indeed, gay as hell.

I guess there is no real review in there. The movie is fun, and clever in most parts. Don't go expecting Shawshank Redemption, unless you're one of those assholes who doesn't like The Shawshank Redemption.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

which is the dumbest product ever made?


Includes the Beerbelly Sling and Bladder, The Pleasure Extender, One Step Beerbelly Cleanser. You might want to consider the Beer Belly Bundle. This way you can share The Beerbelly instead of the contents in YOUR Beerbelly!


The WineRack is a very comfortable sports-style bra with a special pocket that holds a boob enhancing bladder filled with the drink of your choice!The WineRack holds over a bottle of wine so let the good times flow while increasing your cup size 2 full cups!


Their clientele must be stylish, serious alkies. I guess the creators of these products never heard of a "flask."

Monday, June 02, 2008

Holy F#cking SH!T

I'm standing up as I write this, as the last two nights saw me getting bent over and fucked hard in the ass by Robert Smith and his merry band of mirth-makers, the end result of which is my universe has been torn asunder and what few pieces remain are now covered in a strange translucent goo that is surprisingly soothing to the touch and smells faintly of vanilla.

The Cure live = Universe Enders

Friday, May 30, 2008

video of a real live space alien, you guys

really i just posted this cuz thats one of the best Digg comments evar.

Bring on the finals.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy

This was on my myspace page, but its clean programming for the whole family, and needed to be reposted. Kevin I'm listening to Rain on a Leaf right now and its tight, you should send me some more samples. Oh, and it turns out Bas is a real guy, this crazy mixed martial arts fighter whose specialty is punching people in the liver.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The Southening

I went South last night.

I fell off the cube instead of gleaming it.

Now I'm in that strange limbo state, running on no sleep, hungover and laced yet somehow feeling energized and ready to go see Indiana Jones and the KOCS.

I just pray that the Lucas factor doesn't slather any gayness on it.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Awesome across the board.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Matt what do you know about Leo Zagami?


...The Knights Templar Supreme Commander Leo Lyon Zagami wants to visit your own Priory as soon as possible as you are now officialy accused by the Order in Europe of Satanic practices and other diableries. “Neither powers nor principalities, etc. shall separate me from the love of God.” Freemasonry shall live on until men shall look upon each other for their character and uprightness, rather than through prejudiced eyes and discriminating hearts.

Until then, we must fight prejudice, despotism, and manner of evil that exists in the hearts of men. Our sword of justice and our cause is right and “IN HOC SIGNO VINCES.”

-Frater Superior Leo Lyon Zagami
Knights Templars of the Apocalypse Supreme Commander

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Zero Punctuation reviews GTA IV

This silly Brit has a knack for making hilarious video game reviews. That is, videos of game reviews. Even though he's normally a whinging wanker he still has to give props to the unprecidented greatness of GTA:

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Behold his Bigitude:

Look how scared that small African male appears to be of our big dirty Spaniard.

He came through big for us tonight. Clean play from a dirty man.

How are you, Josh? All your age are belong to schfity five.

Happy birthday and such.

It's too bad we can't have a party, because then I could show you how my descent into binge drinking has intensified.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Game Informer

Big ups to my main man, the Nodar, for hooking me up with a free subscription to Game Informer magazine.

I just started receiving the love, and now I have some new reading material for those brief periods where I have time to read while shitting.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Don't Fuck With the eFFekTiNaTor

Seriously, don't fuck with CyrusFX. He's handy with a piece.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Major Side-Effects

It's amazing, but all weight loss products are basically the same thing - a low grade stimulant that curbs your appetite and speeds up your metabolism. There's no way this is what our creator intended for us to do when the burden of resisting a third Burrito Supreme at Taco Bell becomes too much to bare.

Fantasy Sports are an incredible source of joy and pain. I recommend that you definitely don't maybe probably sign up for one never do it.

Every time an Ipod commerical comes on, I'm convinced it's only a matter of time before Sarah has downloaded whatever massively annoying song is in the background.

We made an offer on a house. We were a bit too late. It's o.k., I'd rather live in a castle.

I had a student write an AP essay using the Bible as a work of literature, while simultaneously proclaiming that it was a factual document. I love brain dead again Christians.

LOST is on in a few minutes.

Here's a picture.