Saturday, December 27, 2008

BTW... Fuck the Celtics!

We are going to rape their mothers and call them Sally.

Good job, Warriors in demoralizing the once-mighty dillhole Boston Celtics and giving them a preview of the gaping asshole they will be the owner of when the Lakers ream them out in the finals.

Happy birthday, Cyrus!.. you fuckin' nugget.

Kevin and I are torn as fuck and just want to wish you a sweet, sweet nectar zone, that is not unlike the kind of nectar zone you can achieve when your penis is plunged deeply into the box of a tight Asian female.

We love you, Broseph! Watch out for the squirrel bones, dog.

Doug E. Dougerson told me to tell you, that his penis zits are under control.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My Battle With Roy Masters



I am sitting on my couch on a weekend night, as I usually do to try and save money -- feebly, I might add -- because I am mulling over going to 7-11. I could easily just fall asleep, and I'm feeling a force compelling me to not go. Yet I'm realizing I must fight this force with another greener force.

My brother is describing to me the extraordinary and remarkable powers of a Mr. Roy Masters. He's saying crazy things, like this man is actually 2432 years old. That he has the strength of 10 men. That his powers of telekinesis are beyond my wildest comprehensions. He's telling me that Roy Masters has the ability to remotely kill a person without so much as leaving a cause of death.

An ancient protectorate of the secrets of the universe, Roy Masters can travel through time, replace his victim's consciousness with his own, sees all and knows all. My brother is whispering to me that Roy Masters knows about my plans to go to 7-11, and that he is not pleased.

"I'm going to 7-11," I'm proclaiming. "And not even Roy Masters can stop me!"

"Don't you say that!" My brother is shouting. "Don't you dare say that! Have you gone completely mad?!"

Roy will never find me, I'm thinking to myself as I hop over the hut thatch gate and into the nearest rickshaw heading with the flow of traffic. There's a lot of rickshaws out tonight. Then all of the sudden its hitting me. This indescribable pain in my brain is making its way down to my hypothalamus, severely disregulating my glandular activity.

I'm screaming out in agony, "Damn you Roy!" to my only audience of the rickshaw boy, who is staring back at my terrified maw with a horror of his own. My face is beginning to melt from the acidity of concentrated hormones secreting out through the pores, and I may have permanent disfigurement across much of my face but I'll be damned if I didn't make it to 7-11 and buy me a 32-oz Slurpee and white cheddar cheese popcorn.

That's right Roy, I beat you! You thought you could stop me but you FAILED! I know you can hear me, and I beat you!




Further reading

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

update on Cock Flea Man

8400 AD: Cock Flea Man is being crushed time and again by intergalactic forces, punished by alien species with advanced weaponry.

8500 AD: If only he hadn't screwed around so long during certain tribal stages he might've had time to develop some more hurtular weapons and shit, before the Wubs from Protea did (alas).

8600 AD: The rain of fury is just too immense: Cock Flea Man dies out, as does Predecessor to Cock Flea Man, Beaked 4-Armed Cock Flea and eventually, Cock Flea 1.0.

8700 AD: All life on planet Derkistan ceases to exist, as does any recorded history of Cock Flea, rendering this synopsis a null set.

8800 AD: Matt Lydon rides large into town, his cyberbody recently having been polished, his brain & memories transplanted & copied into that of a fresh infant. He sets forth re-terraforming planet Derkistan and colonizes it with replicas of himself, soon ready to dominate the galaxy.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Messages for the peoples

CODY - I am currently watching the Suns/Lakers game, and it has convinced me that we should head down to the Staples center sometime before Sarah pops and catch a game. Perhaps we could even swing it during Christmas break. I want to see Pau "Sloppy Eastern European Version of Matt Brown" Gasol make his patented 5 foot hook shot in person.

KEVIN - I think I should buy you this shirt.


CY - I imagine your life as a cross between a rave and a Corona commerical. How close am I to accurately depicting you existence?

MATT - When are you going to come online and help me destroy the HORDE!!!!?!?!?!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Let me Google that for you

A pretty entertaining service, especially when used in proper context against Net Rivals, Impenetrable Scoundrels, and Assorted Unyielding Curmudgeons:

http://tinyurl.com/63fvzu

Monday, December 08, 2008

Review: Chinese Democracy, translated into Chinese then back into English

Let us give it the right to: guns Rose Band album, original songs, because the first Bush government is a big, bold, strange and uncompromising hard rock record. In other words, it sounds very much like a rose guns, you know. Sometimes it is a clenched fist five, in 1987 the perfect storm, the destruction of appetite, more common, which is spread out a CD of the original CD-ROM in 1991, Use Your Illusion I and II, but here compressed into a A single CD-ROM supershred spastic guitar, orchestral hip-hop on a grand scale electronics, metal screen and the choir is still the man Axl Rose, rust, the temptation. If Ross had a moment of doubt or remorse for what he cost of democracy in China in terms of time (13 years), money (14 studies included in the credits) and the body count - including the export of all other founding member of the band - as he did not have that 1 in 4 Songs. "I bet you think I do everything for my health," rose through the cracks in the saturation bombing of the guitar, "Internal Revenue Service," one of the few mentioned that the album is short, he would like to know a lot of people, he said : Rose, who is now 46 years old, spent a third of his life running away from the rail, light and a half. But if he shot, "everything possible / I am not going to" splash "down", rather than the arrogance of crazy - just a good old rock and roll, "you speak of" the kind that he and the old tape of the famous warm In the first place. Rose repeatedly broadcast another Chinese Democracy: The restraint is talked about. There are many well-known guitar firepower - the dagger stabbing, licking open the first track, "Chinese democracy" and fuzzy sand devil in Riyadh ñ 'the Bedouin loop and the great distress of the "Street of Dreams." However, the wetlands and Izzy Stradlin to do so for two guitars, is now a wall of them. In some tracks, rose as much as 5 boys - Robin F inck, B uckethead, Paul Tobias, Ron "Bumblefoot" Thales and Richard F ortus-ri ffing solo and a broad, vague zigzag . It does not drag. I still believe that the wild superstuffed "Oh, my God" - China's democratic Early wasted on the track in 1999 End of Days soundtrack - all guns Rose, "including album in 1993, in the spaghetti incident? Most of these songs also make a U-turn by the personalization, as if Rose had been trying for new ways to hook or a bridge, and then decided, 'what the hell they are cool. "" Better ", then began to sound like hip-hop voice mail - a serious squeeze guitar, drums and leave the Near Rose (" no one has yet told me when / I am alone / You just thought, I would like to know better " ) - Above sea level in the old-fashioned Wallop on the Sunset Strip. "If the World" has been picking guitar Buckethead Spain's Blaxploitation movies slot, and Rose showed that he still has a long breath - some torture victims, some screaming aircraft - If no other rock singer. There are so many hours in "some time"-M ellotron string and a powerful chorus and the Ross-o verdubbed roaring sound, wah-wah guitar and a wrong end of the (more Chorus) - It is easy to believe that Rose Most of the time in the past decade, the plan itself. However, chaos has never been more like a poor quality of painful memories and lessons. In the first line, Rose can be traced back to the top much like his own - "broken glass and cigarette / write" on the wall / This is a bargain of the summer / a, 'I think I've had "- and then stack on the ship and Orchestra And the guitar. Finally, this is a big melting of the missing kiss and make a choice ( "If I could go back in time ... but I do not know"). This is the guns Rose, Rose has been hearing in his head the whole time, It is clear why the two guitars, bass and drums is not enough. It is widely too, said he believes that this is a band rose guns, more than the cover, "Welcome to the Jungle," "Sweet child of mine Austria", "love her 'and" civil war. "Wide range of credit , And democracy in China, of course, credit card details when they fall due. My favorite: "The original proposal of the agreement:" The youth in "Madagascar." Rose is a big - "language lyrics' A xl melody from the Rose" - but Shares of all songs signed with other actors, but the road. Bassist Tommy Stinson played almost every song, dizziness keyboard Reid, the only survivor of the fantasy line is Elton John Grand piano style of "Street of Dreams." However, Ross is still singing a lot about the power of pure and simple, isolated, even if he engaged in a great struggle, because "democratic China." "Madagascar" because Rose has been playing live for several years, he not only samples of Dr. Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech and dialogue Luke's cold hand. And at the end of the album, bluntly called "prostitutes", the impact of the rose almost conversational tone to a time bomb cards, 5 of the dam guitar flash Orchestra, the only lament: "You ask / Why am I the election / prostitutes to me / Well-being and living in shame. "For him, the long march of democracy in China is not a paranoid and controlling. That is to say to him: "I will not," If all the other insisted, "you need." You can discuss whether it is worth record extremes of rock self-indulgence. In fact, most of the rock, then democracy in China, he is not careful, if you do so.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Some Random Ridiculum

Today I read a story about how Hawaii is the 2nd healthiest state in the Union (Vermont is #1 and Louisiana is #50), but that's mainly because its hardly a state at all, and is in large dominated by lean & toned Asian folk.

The story itself paled in comparison to the first reader comment. Usually reader commentary is just people trying to demonstrate how miserable and uneducated they are to the world, but occasionally you'll get the comedic zinger, which sometimes even rivals the output of professional comedy writers. In this day and age you really have to sort through the filth to find nuggets of wisdom and humor, like this one:

State rankings

"I am proud of Louisiana for not being inhibited in their eating. You never hear of hunger strikes in Louisiana prisons. Down south trans-fat is considered a nutrient, not a poison. We have even considered putting it in vitamin pills. I am sure those healthy diet, narrow blood vessel, Northerners would keel over in no time with our Louisiana diet. Fried is fabulous, let the Californians have their fat free flounder. Louisiana will be flooded with research money for obesity and cardiovascular disease an important economic stimulus in tough times. Obesity should not be viewed as a drag on health care but as a strategic fat reserve to be used in time of famine, similar to our strategic oil reserves. When the lord punishes our inequity with famine, it will be Louisiana that will survive and they will not even need manna unless it is deep fried. A new chosen group will emerge as predicted by the movie Wall-E. "

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Monday, December 01, 2008

A Quick Question About Henry Paulson

Henry Paulson, Secretary of the Treasury for another 40 days or so, made $163 million in 2006 alone as CEO of Goldman Sachs. He held this position right up until he was tapped by G. Dub for his current job.

Paulson is creator, supporter and executor of the now infamous Bailout Bill, which grants the government the authority to pay up to $700 billion to banks and lenders who went bust from making shitty loans.

Goldman Sachs, one of the first lenders to receive money ($12 billion) from the bailout bill, will pay out about $14 billion in bonuses to its executives this Christmas. It is currently attempting to buy out other failing banks in order to qualify for future bailout funds, even though there is no guarantee the this taxpayer money will be used to help failing mortgages, toxic assets or do anything to aid the situation.

Paulson is a Christian Scientist. (How such "smart" people can still hold such stupid beliefs I'll never know. [Christian Science is stupid. There is no presupposition or argument here.]) So, couldn't he have simply prayed in his offtime for the recovery the economy? It would have done just as much good as the bailout bill, and would have been far less expensive.

Alas, the danged separation of Church and State kept this from happening...

So, my question to Paulson is, how are you not an accomplice to the biggest raping of the American taxpayer that a White House administration has ever orchestrated?

Between the War on Terror and the Bailout Bill, its rational to assume that Bush will go down as the most wasteful (if not "worst") president ever.