Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Man's Wants versus His Needs

Sometimes in life the best thing a man can do for himself is figure out how to separate his wants from his basic needs. Engaging in this practice on a semi-regular basis will serve to help prioritize one's goals, which is likely useful, because like 4 in 5 Mericans you may find yourself overwhelmed by the amount of decisions that go into successfully maintaining an electrical charge on your boid.

Here are a few examples that I have come up with for myself in an attempt to illustrate the difference between wants and needs. Remember, they are personal examples which come from my own world experiences, and your experience with reality may have differing results.*

I want unlimited, piping hot tang, but I need a warm crevasse.

I want to be as buff as Bane, but I need regular-sized balls.

I want to get fi-fi-fizaded, but I need to be destroyed.

I want badmen beatdowns, but I need outboard soundcards.

I want to suck your blood, but I need to be indoors during the day.

I want to be free from AIDS, but I need to lose 40 lbs before the end of January.

I want to create a brain-computer interface so I can keep my brain alive inside a compubot after my body fails, but I need a bunch of shit and technology that I don't have so fuck it.

I want your loving baby, but baby I need you now.


*BTF Records may not be held responsible for shitty realities.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

more externalized cockulary

this track was designed to destroy Wednesdays.

Cyrusfx - Sir Dubs A Lot

its funny how if I listen to my own songs repeatedly (i.e., when I'm putting the "finishing touches" on them, and the period right afterwards), I start thinking they're better than they actually are... its quite possible i've been brainwashing myself to think my tracks are supreme over mere mortal radio tracks... but no matter where they actually stand, i've decided i'm not gonna stop composing filth.

its interesting how mixing a track is kind of like making an ice sculpture or a hamburger. you start with a raw block of audio that is your original recording and slowly tweak away at it to make it into something that sounds tasteful. if you have a shit block of ice or hamburger meat then there's only so much you can do with it. my resolution for the new year is to come up with some cleaner beef...

mele kalikimaka peeps.. im gonna try to come back II Cali again sometime in the spring. we should make it a to-do.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Name that Tor

Q: What rising phenom television actor tucked these credits under their belt in 2009? No cheating!

  1. "Parks and Recreation" .... 110-Year-Old Man (1 episode, 2009)
    ... aka Parks and Rec (USA: promotional abbreviation)
    - The Fourth Floor (2009) TV episode .... 110-Year-Old Man
  2. "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" .... Harley (1 episode, 2009)
    ... aka Jimmy Kimmel (Australia)
    - Episode #8.7 (2009) TV episode .... Harley
  3. "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" .... Brett Favre (1 episode, 2009)
    - Episode #1.51 (2009) TV episode .... Brett Favre
  4. Robbin' in da Hood (2009) (V) .... Dirty Old Man
  5. The Hunted: Terms of Extermination (2009) (V) .... Coroner

Hint: we've mentioned him on this blog.

I want sweat-activated sweet sauce delivered directly to my mouth hole.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Feel the Flow

The choicest of hops.

Nodar,

When are you going to be in SB, and what day was it that you needed access to audio gear?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

NFL Picks (of note) - week 14

My faves are in bold.

Cleveland (+9) at Pittsburgh: Steelers all the way, baby. They may have been cursed with a touch of the teh sukh in the past month but if there's one team that's worse its the smelly Browns (who have lost their last 7 games in a row; now that's what I call a shit streak). Besides I have a Rothlesburger jersey so it doesn't make much sense to root for the Browns. How could you not root for a man named Rothlesburger, anyway?

New Orleans (no line) at Atlanta: This is the big one for me. Got 3 big players on N.O., including Drew Brees, whom I was considering taking out to put in Peyton Manning for. I don't understand why this game has no line (unless I don't understand the concept in general) because it seems to me that the Saints will probably beat the Falcons harder than the Colts will beat Denver. I want the Saints to take it all actually cuz that would be some big underdog domage.

Denver (+8) at Indianapolis: The Broncs are going to try to give the Colts a run for their money. The question is whether I should leave in Wayne, which might be a good idea if he isn't double-covered the whole game. I suppose its possible the Colts might lose (they are division rivals?), but its doubtful.

Cincinnati (+7) at Minnesota: Well I recently picked up Ochocinco so I am going to root for him personally but most likely the Vikings will come out on top. I smell another season for Favre, granted he can keep up this momentum through the rest of the season (and post-season?).

Arizona (-3) at San Francisco: I don't care about either of these teams but I have Frank Gore as my RB right now, so go San Francisco.

Carolina (+13) at New England: OK, so I have to make at least 1 big upset prediction in order for this to be the slightest bit controversial, in which case I will take the Panths over the Pats. Its true, Carolina ain't that great, but hell, the Pats have lost to the Jets and the Dolphins in recent weeks so anything is possible. Mainly, like half of America, I want to see Tom Brady go down. Again.

I am currently up 3 wins in a row over the opposition, and a win this week will clench my victory (unless we end up going by adding up total points). I suppose I should lose on purpose just to keep me interested in watching football at all.

I still can't get over the arbitrary way in which people choose their favorite teams. It is utterly arbitrary, so I don't understand the great pride which people take in "their" teams. Its not like they had anything to do with their success or failure. That's why I can't really get in to sports in general. (That, and I don't really find them interesting sans football). The upside is, I can change my "favorite" team whenever I want. Go Saints!

Yo Co


Can you take this picture of Wayne and Garth and filth it up with photoshop? Maybe put horns on them and make them santanic looking...and other random stuff.

Top Ten Sega Genesis Games Featuring Sonic the Hedgehog, 1991-1996

Admit it: you wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if that was the title of an article legitimately posted on a gaming website. And, you know what? I don’t blame you. We’ve seen crazier lists that were real: Top ten video game moments; Top ten times Mario hit his head on a block of bricks; Top ten computer generated breasts (or would that be top twenty?). The list goes on and on, and while it’s easy to write-off the glut of these “Top Ten Lists” as a simple product of laziness and lack of gaming news, the real reasons are much more compelling.
Human beings are notorious for their desire, or rather need, to categorize the world around them. Early philosophers, such as Democritus, divided the world up into four separate elements. With the advent of the Christian Church, everything from sins to saints became the subject of lists and hierarchies.
In ancient Rome, a bestselling tablet, The Top Ten Hand Held Weapons, nearly started a massive war in A.D. 23 when Cicero of Corinth had the gall to place the morning star at number two on the list, one place higher than the flaming morning star. Can you believe that guy?
With advancements in science came the classification of elements, planetary bodies, and natural forces. Most famously, Carl Linnaeus categorized all living organisms, setting down the foundation for Biology and an unsettling number of Pokemon. The stubborn Linnaeus attempted to argue that dolphins were better than lions. He was then thrown to the lions.
Perhaps there’s an even simpler reason these lists exist: to start fights. In general, if something will cause an uproar, no matter how insignificant the people causing the uproar (the uproarians, if you will), it will be popular. People want something to debate; they want to be told that their opinions are correct, and that there really will never be a game as good as Final Fantasy VII again.
Articles like these also represent a win-win situation for the author as very few readers will flinch when Ocarina of Time tops the list for the 52,000th time. However, when the author in question places an obscure racing game from the Sega Dreamcast at number three, readers will balk and complain about its placement. In essence, the author can confirm comforting “truths” while simultaneously starting an irrelevant debate that just might bring more traffic to a website.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

deaum

The Quiksilver in Memory of Eddie Aikau, Fueled by Monster Energy

these aren't my pictures, but this is pretty clean. from today's Eddie Aikau big wave competition on the north shore... i saw some big crazy waves with no one surfing on them. i thought about getting in but i didn't want to die. unlike this guy.


The Quiksilver in Memory of Eddie Aikau, Fueled by Monster Energy


I wonder if the water wall got him, or all of them! Those guys must have giant sacks.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Cody/Josh Lost Chat

Damn, son. I was so right about Locke’s father being the con man who fucked Sawyer’s mom, thus causing Sawyer’s dad to end his wife’s life, followed by his own, thus making James into Sawyer. It’s raining outside, and the world of Lost coupled with Steinlager and fresh ciabata bread from Trader Joe’s is so much better than the world I will be forced to inhabit tomorrow. I know you understand.

I need to meet your baby sometime. Maybe I’ll get married to my girlfriend Sharon and knock her up in the next few years so that I can have my own baby who will be bigger than your baby and we can make them fight each other in a pit.

We will drink while we watch them fight... then we'll watch Lost.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Domain name opportunity.

We need to quickly purchase www.IWantToEndMyLife.com, because nobody owns it yet. We can have it link to some subsidiary sites which sell various self-help books, spiritual guidance audio tapes, and alcohol.

There's no better way to make money than by taking advantage of the lost and disillusioned masses.

BTW... I reformatted the blog. This wider template should allow for larger images to be posted without making the page look weaksauce.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Breakage

I'll Break someone somewhere
To Show how big I am
You know I'm not sorry
I'll Take everything

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

More lost numerology...

Flight 815... as in 4 (8 15) 16 23 42. Also, Jack was sitting in seat 42F.

Could it be?

I am returning from self-imposed exile from this blog to announce that I will be in SB tomorrow though Saturday, if anyone cares.

Effectiveness level = FULL

Also, my cat just died.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Monday, November 23, 2009

I'M ON TWITTER!

FOLLOW MY AWEOSMONE LIEFE HERE:
http://twitter.com/Yoshifett

Kevin, I'm following you already. Interesting shit dog.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Shark Logo

I was just watching Lost, and in that show, a random shark in the ocean happened to have a logo on its tail which matched the logo found on the food containers in the underground bunker which is inhabited by Desmond. I don't know too much about Desmond yet, but I know that he just so happened to bump into jack while running stadium steps, and I have a feeling that he's going to be a big player.

OK. I'm going to go watch more now.

Also... 4 8 15 16 23 42. I have them memorized already.

Friday, November 20, 2009

the idiots are winning.




The Ghost of Sam Jenkins


Click on the pic to test my latest musical concoction. I learned some good mixing and mastering tips recently and am attempting to put them to use. You guys should get Reason so I can send you song files to jam out new parts to.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

BYAR! I AM FRAK-TOR.

ALL YOUR MANDELBOTS ARE BELONG TO US.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I fail, you fail, we all fail together

I'm having one of those days in which I am unable to take anything. Everything feels like a struggle, even the smallest task. Perhaps some of this has to do with this my minor bout with an unidentified cold. Regardless, sometimes I envy those who have jobs in which they can just hide in a cubicle all day and work without being bothered. In a matter of minutes, my room will be flooded with 36 fourteen year-olds who will be asking me questions, making stupid comments, cussing, then pretending that they didn't, and overall being sucktards. I have to pretend like this is o.k.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Ghey Dot Phag

There once came a man out of Tulsa,
Who turned other men into Salsa.
He used a device to liquefy them real nice,
Then he made several planes out of balsa.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Yes!!!

Friday, November 06, 2009

Expression of the Day

ass • hattery

Today's expression of the day is asshattery, which is defined as an activity of slightly less malevolency than assholery. The expression can be used as a verb or a noun, unlike its root, "asshat," which is usually just a noun. For example, one does not "asshat around," but one may find themselves "engaging in asshattery."

Here is the expression being used in conversation:

"Does it truly surprise me that some asshattery of this nature occurred? No more so than knowing a religion created by a science fiction writer is widely believed and disseminated as gospel."

Mickey Avalon. Pretty much anything he does is a form of asshattery.



Putting a sombrero on a donkey is a less common form of asshattery, but definitely still a waste of time for those who engage in its practice.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Picks and awesome pic

Sarah Made These
I Chose My Wife Well!

Broncos (+3.5) over RAVENS

Texans(-3.5) over BILLS

Browns (+13) over BEARS

Dolphins (+3) over JETS

COLTS (-12.5) over Niners

Seahawks (+9.5) over COWBOYS

LIONS (-3.5) over Rams

Giants (-1) over EAGLES

CHARGERS (-16.5) over Raiders

Jags (+3) over TITANS

CARDINALS (-10) over Panthers

SAINTS (-11) over Falcons

PACKERS (-3) over Vikings

Record:
Last Week - 7-5
Season - 53-38

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Earth Fights Man


Ho no no, ho no no
Cannot stop
the lava flow

Geologists, architects, they all know
Bruddah cannot stop one lava flow

Lava burn deep
Lava burn red
Betta run cross dat street
Befo it burn you dead

Lava burn near
Lava burn roads
But ainokea
Cuz buggah burn slow.

Durka doo!

Monday, October 26, 2009

"Twelfth" is a bizarre word.

It just looks so wrong spelled out, and it also sounds really strange. It's one of those words that starts to loose all meaning as you think about it in greater depth.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Ideas for Useless Inventions

On my daily walk through the Ala Moana shopping center (the biggest outdoor mall in the world I'm told) I started thinking, what if they made escalators that moved way too fast. That would be sweet. You'd have to time your jump on and off the escalator just right or risk falling down a rapidly moving flight of stairs. Then at the end you have to time your jump off or else you get tripped up and go flying forward.

They should really just have giant zip lines that go from one end of the mall to the other, and that are under a "use-at-your-own-risk" policy. Meaning, if you don't strap yourself in properly and fall a couple mall levels then oh well its your own damn fault.

The mall should also open a Rape Store that sells products to people who are interested in rape or being raped.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Let me explain something about The Dude.

The Dude doesn't talk to fuckin' goats, man.

Nor does the military let people keep their pony tails. EVER.
Stupidest premise for a movie in '09?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Week Six Picks

This is a real gut-check for me this week. My picks haven't been good lately, and even worse, I've written nothing to accompany them. I wonder if the two are related. Regardless, it's time for redemption. This is where I lay my cards on the table, stare you down like the dog that you are, and finally, dunk your head in the toilet and flush.

Yup, home team in caps again.

Kansas City (-6.5) over WASHINGTON
There's nothing particularly good about Kansas City, but you've got to look at what Washington has done so far. They are 2-3, however, every team they've played so far had zero wins (!) coming into their respective games with the Redskins. So, out of five teams with no wins, Washington could only beat two of them. They were the ones who helped the Lions end their 20+ game losing streak. So I'm going with KC.

Does anyone else remember when Joe Montana was on the Cheifs? That was so bizarre. It was like seeing Kobe in a Nets jersey or Michelle Obama in a "Girls Gone Wild!" commercial. I remember that this is when I realized my dad wasn't really a Niners fan, just a fan of Montana. This is entirely acceptable. I mean, the only reason I'm a Dolphins fan is because of Dan Marino. So really, I shouldn't be a Dolphins fan. Yet I am and I can't even help it. Even when I went through a long period in which I did not watch sports, whenever I happened to catch a game involving the Dodgers/Dolphins/Lakers, I couldn't help but feel this strange tinge of excitement and trepidation. In no way do I feel responsible for these emotions.

Cleveland (-14) over PITTSBURGH
This game mades me nervous for a moment, because I picked Pitt in my last man standing pool. Then I remember what happened last week. Cleveland's QB Derek Anderson completed two passes on seventeen attempts last week. And they still won the game! Pittsburgh is looking extremely shaky, which is why I don't think they'll cover the two touchdown spread.

I think I argued against myself in that last paragraph.

JACKSONVILLE (-10) over St. Louis
The Jags got destroyed last week by the Seahawks, which is why I think they'll kill St. Louis, who probably has the least talent of anyone in the league. This week the Jags bounce back and crush the Rams. Fun fact for everyone out there: in five weeks, the Rams have scored a total of 34 points! The Falcons scored 45 last week against an excellent 49ers defense, and yet the Rams have only muster a mere 34 points all year? How is this possible?

You only really wonder until you see Kyle Boller strut out on the field for St. Louis. "Wow" you think to yourself, "this is their Quarterback? There's gotta be someone else." It's like when your friend is dating some really lame chick who is incapable of holding a conversation and you can't believe your friend has settled for this situation. It's like seeing Thom Yorke on the soundtrack for "New Moon," the queer ass sequel to the faggoty faux vampire cockpile that was "Twilight." Thom, what the fuck are you doing on there? I really want to know why you did this. It was done with a sense of irony, right?

Detroit (+13.5) over GREEN BAY
Green Bay can't stop the pass rush at all. The offense line continues to cave into any pass rush. I am as certain as I can that the Packers will win, but Detroit is a young, frustrated, but talented (yup) team that is going to get after Aaron Rodgers, who, bless his heart, still won't complain about being sacked 8 times a game. If Ryan Grant can do a bit better on the ground, then the Packers will be o.k., but I don't see Green Bay covering a nearly two touchdown spread. I think you can move the ball on the Packers.

Fun fact number two: Aaron Rodgers is the eighth highest rated passer in the NFL, yet he gets sacked one and a half times more per game than the second most sacked passer in the NFL (his five per game compared to Dante Culpepper's 3.5 a game). He's by far the most sacked QB in the league, yet he still gets the job done. It's just a shame the Green Bay defense isn't playing better.

CINCINNATI (-5) over Houston
The Bengals are good! The Bengals are good? Yes! Chad Ochocinco is fun to watch again, and Carson Palmer looks like a top ten quarterback. He's comeback has been a weirdly delayed surprise, like finding a Christmas present from four years ago hidden behind the couch. Though in this case, you knew there was a present and were convinced that you'd eventually find it. I wonder if I'm picking this game backwards though. Arguably (which I'll argue later), Denver has a trap game coming up after beating the Patriots. Why isn't this going to be a trap game for Cincy?

I think the biggest difference for the Bengals this year, however, has been their defense, particularly their defensive line, which has netted 14 sacks - fourth in the league. Matt Schaub, the Texans quarterback, tends to hold the ball far too long, so while I expect a lot of scores in this game, I also expect Houston to put up some points. I think this line is too low. Really, the way the Bengals have been playing (they've beaten the Steelers and the Ravens), they should really be favored by at least a touchdown. Especially because the Texans can't stop the run and Schaub looks like he's playing in front of some girl he's trying impress, with unintended consequences.

MINNESOTA (-3) over Baltimore
So the logic goes thus: if Baltimore is a good team, they will not lose three games in a row. Baltimore is a good team. Therefore, Baltimore will not lose this game. That's not the case though, especially in Minny. Did you see Brett Favre MURDER the Packers on Monday Night Football? That was a terrible betrayal. That was Lando when he turned in Han and Leia to Vader on cloud city. God damnit, Lando.

Those freaky Nike commercials with Adrian Peterson (where his skin turns into the athletic gear after he demolishes some anonymous team's hopes and dreams with a dominant run and a firm handshake) have a very cinematic feel, which I happen to enjoy. The sound effects and the music seem to indicate this is some sort of "horror" commercial, where Adrian Peterson develops an unnatural symbiotic relationship with his sporting goods and proceeds to destroy everyone in his path. This is simply not far from the truth. Watch this video and tell me that he's not some sort of Greek god or sign of the Apocalypse or some other thing.


New York Giants (+3) over NEW ORLEANS

Carolina (-3.5) over TAMPA BAY
Every week there is a game that I hate and don't really want to talk about, and this week it's this match up of NFC south bottom-feeders. Watching Jake Delhomme play quarterback is a lot like watching a Kevin Costner movie: you know it's going to be painful and that it won't end well. On the other hand, Tampa Bay is quite terrible. They are possibly the worst team in the NFC after the Rams. So I have to believe that Carolina will win this game. Lots of hand offs to Jon Stewart and DeAngelo Williams and all should be well. Man, it's hard to believe Delhomme was in the Superbowl a few years ago. But then again, the same could be said about Costner in "Field of Dreams."

Philadelphia (-14) over Oakland
If they had to let Michael Vick back into the NFL, why couldn't he go to the level of hell formerly known as "The Raiders"? Maybe that's too much to wish on Oakland's fans. RAIDERS NATION!

SEATTLE (-3) over Arizona
I think I want to watch this game, even though my utter distaste for the NFC West makes that seem contradictory. This game has the potential to involve tons of big passes and almost no defense. I wonder what the over/under is on this game? I'm thinking at least 80. Seattle is the last team with a real homefield advantage.

Wait a second! Sarah just drunk-dialed me from her parents' house! Haha! Who would have thought? I got married to distance myself from annoyingly drunk women!

SAN DIEGO (-4) over Denver
Someone please explain to me how the undefeated Denver Broncos are NOT favored in this game? Vegas has officially lost it. At this point, they're grasping as straws, and I know that you're supposed to take the points if your not sure, but the Broncos have that "too good to be true" look that you have to watch out for in the NFL. As long as the Chargers don't do something stupid, like try to establish a running game, I see Philip Rivers having a big game and the Broncos finally hitting that wall.

By the way, has their ever been a stranger team than the Chargers? You know how sometimes a movie is announced, and the cast is so unbelievably good that you imagine how the film could be anything but a classic, but then when the film is released it's an underachieving piece of garbage? Add steroids, Kim Kardashian and assault charges and you have the San Diego Chargers. Their uniforms are nice though.

ATLANTA (-3) over Chicago
General practice in setting NFL lines is to give the home team 3 points for homefield advantage.(Though I'd argue that doesn't really exist anymore.) So, basically, Vegas is saying that these two teams are about equal. I don't see it that way. Atlanta destroyed the Niners last week, and that actually means something this year. Atlanta has beaten some good teams and Matt Ryan is playing just as well as he did in his rookie season. On the other hand, I can see how Chicago appears to be a good team, seeing how they are 3-1 without Brian Urlacher. But consider how they've won - a fluke last second victory over the Steelers and wins over the Lions and Seahawks. Nothing in particular to write home about. Atlanta is the more talented team at nearly every position, and I'm still not sure whether or not the Bears have a good coach. I do know this: I wish ill upon Jay Cutler.

NEW YORK JETS (-10) over Buffalo
I really like talking about the Jets right now. Specifically, I like to talk about their bravado before the Dolphins game, and their utter refusal to give the Dolphins any credit for beating their asses on Monday Night Football. Their players are arrogant dildos, their coach looks like an inflated chipmunk who just got blown by a prairie dog, and their uniforms suck. If you couldn't tell, I hate the Jets. But the Bills are terrible. So terrible. Epically terrible. If the Bills win this game, I will certainly be happy, but the chances of that happening are very slim. Trent Edwards is going to shit himself when the Jets send nine guys after him on every third-down blitz. And T.O. will probably cry after the game. So, we can all look forward to that.

NEW ENGLAND (-9.5) over Tennessee
13-3. That was Tennessee's record last year. THIRTEEN AND FUCKING THREE! That's fantastic. But, as with many teams that overachieve with an easy schedule (2008 Dolphins), they are suffering a massive letdown as they've lost six straight games. While I'm not particularly hoping this will happen, it's only a matter of time before Brady starts hitting his open receivers in the end zone. And Tennessee can't stop the pass. Or the run. Also they can't pass. Chris Johnson is a very good running back, though.

How bad must Vince Young really be? When you're 0-5, you have to at least start thinking about starting your young first round draft pick QB over the 52 year-old Kerry Collins - Yet the Titans keep trotting out ol' Kerry each week, and each week they lose. I know Young went AWOL last year, but come on! If you don't think he's worth starting in this situation, then you'll never think he's worth starting. At least trade him to some other team for a third round pick or something.

Well, that's the longest thing I've ever written that wasn't for school or about Star Wars. I can only hope my longwindedness is only matched by my success at picking the winners this week.

Best songwriters of our generation?

Here's my rough list, in no particular order...

Kurt Cobain
Elliott Smith
Thom Yorke, et al.
Beck

Shoot my picks down and add new ones.

Don't get any big ideas...

..they're not gonna happen.

I heard the new Foo song, and it's gu-hay.

When is Radiohead making more clean music?

...also Jack and Coke.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Stop having a boring tuna. Stop having a boring life.

I love how Vince claims that the Slap Chop will make anyone's life exciting.

The funny thing is that I've watched that video so much now, I'm truly convinced that the Slap Chop is a really useful tool which I should have. Am I the only one who feels that way?

Friday equates with the win.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Week 5 Predictions

Home teams in caps

Vikings (-10) over RAMS

CHIEFS (+8) over Cowboys

Redskins (+3.5) over PANTHERS

Bucs (+15) over EAGLES

Bengals (+8.5) over RAVENS

GIANTS (-15) over Raiders

Steelers (-10.5) over LIONS

Browns (+6) over BILLS

NINERS (-2.5) over Falcons

SEAHAWKS (pk) over Jags

BRONCOS (+3.5) over Patriots

Texans (+5.5) over CARDS

Colts (-3.5) over TITANS

DOLPHINS (+1.5) over Jets

Record
Last Week: 5-9
Season: 34-18

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Cody's recommended FREE security solution Windows XP.

I previously used an all-in-one Norton security package, but my subscription ran out and I didn't want to keep paying for virus definition downloads and software upgrades. I decided to do some research. Here's the best free solution I could find:

Firewall: Zone Alarm Free Firewall

Anti-Virus: Microsoft Security Essentials

Zone Alarm is a bit aggressive and shows a lot of pop ups at first, so I don't recommend it for non power users. However, I'd rather have a firewall that's aggressive as opposed to soft. FYI, the built in Windows XP firewall DOES NOT block any outbound traffic, only inbound. This means that it can stop incoming attacks, but can't protect against malware that's already on your system and is trying to dial out.

MS Security Essentials is a new thing that kind of slid in under the radar, but is being reviewed favorably. It seems leaps and bounds above the other free packages, but is probably not quite as good as the expensive third-party stuff. Still, it's free, and seems clean.

I realize that this post seems like an advert, but I honestly wanted to share my data mining results with you guys so that you can all browse porn safely and without fear.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Fuck Yeah.



this tune drives people absolutely mental. play it as loud as you can. the complexity, depth and nastiness of the bass line is pretty much unparalleled even by today's technophile standards.

you guys should come out to my first big dubstep show next weekend. just create a fold in spacetime and pass through it like a pencil through a folded piece of paper. its that easy, or so i've been told by the movies.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Is there a term?

You know when you see a female from behind who looks deliciously and eminently humpable, but then she turns around and your boner retracts into your body? What do we call that?

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Life Dot Null


im_bad@life.com

nut1@sack.net
nut2@sack.net

mort_sucks@sports.net

to report knowledge of possible terrorist attacks, please contact laugh@urweak.info

handle@your.biz dot com

eugenics@nwo.gov

for complaints about the Eugenics department, please contact joemengele@nwo.gov

for complaints about your government, please contact fuck@you.gov

to volunteer for the Propoganda Dept., please contact spread@dis.info

.communism
.networthless
.bizzybot
.infolulz
.edululz
.govisiturgrandmother

.shitneck

Be sure to write to your elected officials and let them know how mad you are that America doesn't have flying cars or antigravity yet!


Its almost 2010 and we haven't even found one monolith yet, so let's try and get our shit together here, people...


Monday, October 05, 2009

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Now these points of data make a beautiful line, and we’re out of beta, we’re releasing on time...

I just keep listening to that song, and it makes me feel good about life. Huge success. I'm still alive.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Week 4 Picks (Now with less actual discussion of football!)

As usual, home team in CAPS.

Lions (+10) over BEARS
Whenever going to the Zoo in Santa Barbara, I always feel compelled to go see the Lions right away. (Well, actually after checking out the Capybara, the world's largest rodent!) Anyway, I'm always disappointed by Lions, because in the movies and on TV they are so intimidating and ferocious, yet at the Zoo they are habitually sleeping. I wish it was more like Jurassic Park, where they fed the T-Rex live animals. That's what we need. Throw some baby seals in the cage. See what the Lion thinks of that.

The Bears are not that good. They really should've lost last week to the Seahawks. A couple of easy field goal misses by Olindo Mare (former Dolphin) was the difference. And the Seahawks aren't good either. I must remember to include a picture of the horrible uniforms they wore last week. It was an insult to the NFL.

Bengals (-6) over BROWNS
Only six points for the Browns? If the line was minus 14 I'd still go with the Bengals. The Browns are last in offense and second to last in defense. Shockingly, the Bengals don't seem to be a terrible football team this year and if it weren't for a miracle tipped pass on the last play of the game against the Broncos, they'd be 3-0. Derek Anderson is starting for the Browns at QB, apparently because the best way to win the starting job for the Browns is to come into the game and throw three interceptions in 2 quarters.

TEXANS (-9) over Raiders
I have a long-standing hatred of Texas. The state. I think I share that with many of my fellow Californians. It seems like they are the bizzaro, right-wing, fuck-your-own-sister, and give- retards-the-death-penalty-version of California. Plus, Texans have way too much state pride. "Everything's bigger in Texas." Mmm Hmm. Most Californians know that our state has a disproportionately large economic and social influnce, but I rarely hear people bragging about California. Yet, the state of Texas seems to have this misguided sense that their state is special in some way. It's especially ridiculous. The Raiders are terrible though. JaMarcus Russell is one of the worst QBs I've ever seen in the NFL. It's amazing how far off MOST of his throws are. His QB rating is close to my age, and that's not a good thing. You're QB rating should be closer to my Grandpa's age. If the Tom Cable has half of a brain, he'll run the ball constantly against one of the league's worst run defenses. But I have a feeling the Texans are going to score a bunch of points and then Russell will be forced to throw and everything will go south for the Raiders Nation.

Seahawks (+10.5) over COLTS
I know that I'm supposed to the like Seattle. I'm a liberal douche. I have an xbox. I have a PC. I even buy Starbucks energy drinks. But I feel like I'd be a poser if I said much about the town itself since I haven't been there since I was a little kid. I like the idea of Seattle. I don't know if I'd like the reality, especially since it's always raining, apparently. This is too many points. The Seahawks played the Bears really tough last week, and I don't think their biggest problems lie with their defense. The Colts should win this game, but I don't think they'll cover the spread.

Titans (-3) over JAGUARS
How in the hell are the Titans 0-3? They're defense is still solid, no one can stop Chris Johnson, and they won 13 games last year! Not to mention, they have a very powerful sounding name - THE TITANS. Come on, win a game. Jaguars always seemed like the kinda car only a really massive dillhole would own.

Giants (-9) over CHIEFS
Does anyone else ever look at Eli Manning and think that he looks just a little retarded? Nothing massive, but I could definitely see him walking around with a handler picking up trash. We can't rule out the possibility that he is a little off, but that his Dad and Brother have helped to make sure he slipped through the system unnoticed. He can throw the football fairly far with a fair amount of accuracy, so who cares if he's a retard? The Chiefs are literally retarded.

PATRIOTS(-1.5) over Ravens
Now look at this! We've got the Patriots at home, and they're not favored. As a Dolphins fan (we're in the same division) this is very encouraging to see. However, I know better. For a second, the Pats looked weak and vulnerable. Then a very good Falcons team got their ass handed to them at Foxborough. No, I think the Pats take this game.

REDSKINS (-7.5) over Bucs
Wow, this is a terrible match up. Let's not talk about it.

DOLPHINS (+1.5) over Bills
One of the great miracles of this season is the return of Jason Taylor to the Dolphins. He's one of my favorite Dolphins of all time, and his jersey is the only one that I own. So it's nice to have him back on the team. Doesn't Buffalo seem like one of the worst places in the world? The weather always ALWAYS looks horrible and all the fans look extra obese.

SAINTS (-7) over Jets
The Jets blitz. A lot. That's what they do. Basically, if you wanted to sum up their defensive philosophy this year, you could just say "BLITZ!" BLITZ! Drew Brees is not going to fall for that shit. This guy is a machine. I really want to go to New Orleans some day. I care about black people.

BRONCOS (+3) over Cowboys
Another team from Texas. Sigh. "America's Team" Fuck you, Jerry Jones. Seriously, fuck you and I hope you die and you die and you go to hell. Also, Tony Romo, I hope you get AIDScancer and die.

NINERS (-9.5) over Rams
I'm surrounded by Niners fans and every year they are confident the Niners are going to be an awesome 12-4 playoff team. This year, I think they're right. The NFC West is so terrible. They look solid and don't make a lot of mistakes. The main thing the Rams have going for them is Steven Jackson, but the Niners are the best team against the run so far this year. They did a good job containing Adrian Peterson last week, so I think the Niners win this one going away.

Chargers (+6.5) over STEELERS
Any time a) there's something I want to do that my wife doesn't want me to do or b) I don't want to do what my wife wants me to do, she's able to give me this look and says "o.k." in a way that rips my guts right out of my body. See, she doesn't need to say "no" to reject my request to do something else other than what she wants. It's just a look. To the outside observer, it would seem like she did nothing to get me to change my mind. This is a lot like the Steelers. At no point would anyone ever think they are actually a good football team. But yet, they are able to do something to the other team akin to what my wife is able to do to me. I don't understand it, but I guess that's because I'm a dude.

VIKINGS(-3.5) over Packers
This is the Monday Night game on ESPN, and I can't imagine that ESPN has ever had a bigger event on their channel ever. Brett Favre vs. the Packers! Football fans are fairly united in their belief that Favre is the biggest cornholer in the league, so most of us would love to see A.J. Hawk literally decapitate him. But it's not going to happen. Not in Minnesota anyway. It may be a different story later in the season when they meet in Green Bay, but with Peterson and that defense, Favre is not going to be the deciding factor in this game anyhow.
Record
Last Week: 11-5
Season: 29-19

"7. rawdawg

53 up, 5 down

The origin of the term rawdawg goes way back to the good ole days of the late 90's from Ellijay, GA, the apple capital of Georgia and gateway to the Appalachian foothills of North Georgia. The very first use of the word started as a compliment so as to say to someone when greeting them, "What's up rawdawg?" or "Hey rawdawg, how's it hangin'?" This initial use transformed immediately when it turned to the year 2000.

As the clock struck midnight and the year 2000 started rawdawg all of a sudden meant a style of fornication which involves everything that normal fornication involves except for the condom. The condom is just left out of the equation alltogether. So, for instance, if you or someone you know is "rawdawgin' it" that means that person is pretty much "doin' her in the butt, no rubber." But, however, not necessarily in the butt. It could be the cooter and that's just fine.

Gay people do not count, so, therefore cannot rawdawg. This protects hederosexuals from being charged as homosextionals in that if I said "Hey Matt, me and Daniel are at the bar just rawdawgin' it right now, why don't you come over?" Since gay people cannot rawdawg, there is no way that I am fornucklating with Daniel, this sentence simply means we are just sitting at the bar having a grand time."

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Monday, September 28, 2009

teh kleen v. teh gey

The difference between Kleen and Gey is often slight, frequently imperceptible to the untrained eyehole. Observe and learn:

Kleen - weekends
Gey - weekdays

Kleen - football
Gey - futbol

Kleen - Wine
Gey - Wine Coolers

Kleen - knowledge of multiple universes
Gey - knowledge of multiple seasons of American Idol

Kleen - Xbox
Gey - Sex Bots*

Kleen - quick, low dumps
Gey - sick, slow dumps

Kleen - 2-for-1 hos
Gey - 2-in-1 hos

Kleen - a bag of green
Gey - a bag of semen


* I dunno, I would buy a Sex Bot if they were customizable, and if they put a limit on how much force the robolabia can squeeze with, to insure that your Johnson can't get cut off.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Home teams in caps

RAVENS (-13.5) over Browns
Look at the line on this game! The Ravens need to score two more touchdowns than the Browns to cover, but I'm still picking Baltimore. The Ravens have a bunch of tough old guys on defense who are playing almost as well as they did in their Superbowl year and an offense lead by a frighteningly competent second year QB, Joe Flacco. It's unbelievable how quick your perception of a player can change. This time last year, "FLACCO!" was one of those terms you could just yell at certain groups of friends, and they would laugh on cue as if you'd just told a real joke. Now it seems silly to bet against him, even when Baltimore needs a two-touchdown win. This also reflects my opinion of the Browns. They really look awful.

Packers (-7) over RAMS
I'm not ready to give up on the Pack yet. Last week's loss to the Bengals not might look as crazy when the year's over, because it's starting to look like the Bengals are not that bad. Antoine Odom (who?) had five sacks in one freakin' game! The Packers offensive line can be that bad.



Anyway, who wants to pick the Rams? They've only scored seven points in two game! They continue to be astonishingly inept with a large number of good players. They're just not a good team.


Giants (-7) over BUCS
I just read an article in ESPN Magazine that Giants QB Eli Manning is the best QB in the NFL in "the clutch." Of course, this defies conventional logic that he and his brother Peyton are like Danny Devito and Arnold in "Twins," respectively.

LIONS (+6.5) over Redskins

EAGLES (-8.5) over Chiefs

Saints (-6) over BILLS

Falcons (+4) over PATRIOTS

Titans (+2.5) over JETS

Niners (+7) over VIKINGS

TEXANS (-3.5) over Jaguars

Bears (-2) over SEAHAWKS

BENGALS (+4) over Steelers

Broncos (-1.5) over RAIDERS

Dolphins (+6) over CHARGERS

Colts (+1.5) over CARDS

Panthers (+9) over COWBOYS

Last week: 9-7
Season: 18-14

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

There's no room in his heart for you cuz Doug loves movies.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Doug Benson.





If you haven't yet seen Super High Me, its highly recommended, no pun intended.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Week Two Predictions

TITANS (+6.5) over Texans
Though both of these teams are 0-1, the Titans barely lost to the defending champion Steelers, while the Texans were blown out by the...Jets? Are the Jets good, or are the Texans really bad? I don't know yet, but I'm pretty upset that I tied my fantasy football fortunes to Texans' quarterback Matt Schaub.

Giants (+3) over COWBOYS
The Cowboys showed some serious big play ability in week one, with Romo throwing three long touchdown passes. That was against the Bucs though, and I'm quite sure that team is bad. The Giants tussled with the Redskins, but their defense looked solid and Eli Manning was serviceable. I see Brandon Jacobs having a big game. (On a side note, is there any way that Eli Manning is worth the 100 million dollars the Giants are paying him? Has someone's value ever been more overrated BEFORE they died? This is like Michael Jackson receiving the outpouring of support he has gotten since he died while he was still alive. Never would have happened.)

Panthers (+6.5) over ATLANTA
Poor Jake Delhomme. He lead his team to a Superbowl a few years ago, but he's turned the ball over 11 times in the last two games. (His career path is starting to mirror Lauren Hill.) Despite that, I think that the Panthers are going to bounce back this week. They won 12 games last year and they are a proud team with two top 20 running backs and a stiff defense. Atlanta beat the shit out of the Dolphins last week, but they didn't look amazing doing so. The Dolphins just looked terrible.

Vikings (-9.5) over LIONS
Adrian Peterson had 180 yards and three touchdowns last week. The Lions are among the worst teams in the league against the run.

Bengals (+9) over PACKERS
The Packers will win this game, but I don't think it's going to be a blowout. The Packers looked alright against the Bears last week, but I'm not sure that they've really hit their stride yet. Rodgers missed some easy passes that he usually makes in his sleep. Pack wins by a TD.

Raiders (+3) over CHIEFS
The Raiders! They looked tough against the heavily favored Chargers in Monday Night's game, especially on defense. I'm not very confident in this pick; even though the Chiefs look terrible, they are always hard to beat at home. Still, I think that the Raiders make enough plays to win the game.

Saints (PK) over EAGLES
Drew Brees is the most underrated player in the NFL. He came a few yards short of breaking Dan Marino's single season passing record and he threw a record-tying SIX TD passes last week. Did I mention that Donavan McNabb isn't playing this week? The Saints seem like they can score at will, so if you're playing them, you need your starting QB.

Rams (+10) over REDSKINS
Again, the Redskins should easily win this game, but I'm not comfortable with the ten-points that the Rams are being spotted. The strange thing about the Rams is that they have a large number of good players, but they were embarrassed last week by the Seahawks. I think they put up more of a fight than they did last week.

Patriots(-4) over JETS
I think people are a bit too excited about the Jets. This is one of those bandwagon picks that seems scarier and scarier as the week goes on and the line changes. The Patriots aren't in as much trouble as people think. The Bills played them very very well last week, but Belichick coached teams tend to bounce back after weak performances.

Bills (-5) over Bucs
The Bills looked great against the Pats, and like I said, I don't think the Pats aren't as bad as their week one performance would indicate. There was a real sense of fight and purpose in the way the Bills played. Even their backup running back, Fred Jackson, had a monster game. The Bucs look confused and Byron Leftwich is the quarterback you turn to in the NFL when you have no answers.

JAGS (-3.5) over Cardinals
I don't like this game. I won't watch it. The Cardinals overachieved badly last year and were completely shown up by the Niners last week. The Jags played the Colts well, losing by two points and throwing Peyton Manning off of his rhythm. Maurice Jones-Drew is going to rack up a bunch of yards on short receptions. Warner is looking every day of his age.

NINERS (-1.5) over Seahawks
The Niners! Really? Yeah, I'll take 'em! Last week, I thought they had no chance of stopping Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin from running all of the field, catching long passes at will. I was very wrong. The Niners looked like one of the better defenses in week one, particularly against the pass. The Seahawks live and die by the pass. This week they die.

Steelers (-3) over BEARS
How many interceptions will Cutler throw this week? How difficult is it going to be for the Bears to make up for the loss of Urlacher? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure the Steelers are going to stomp them this week.

Ravens (+3.5) over CHARGERS
The Ravens are good. They're really good. There defense, naturally, is brilliant, but it's their offense that was so shockingly good last week. Especially second-year quarterback Joe Flacco. That's right, I'm officially endorsing Flacco. Not to mention the three-headed running back tandum that Baltimore employed with great success last week. The Chargers were extremely shakey against the Raiders. It's going to take an amazing game from Rivers to pull this one off, especially with LT out.

BRONCOS (-3.5) over Browns
I hate this game. I'm not talking about it.

Colts (-3) over DOLPHINS
I can't believe the Colts are only favored by three. I'm a Dophins fan and I may not be able to watch the entire game Monday night. Bill Simmons of ESPN said it best: "The Dolphins' offense is like watching two drunk people try to fool around." It's going to be a long season.

Last Week: 9-7

Friday, September 18, 2009

Oh Skycake, why are you so delicious?

Patton Oswalt lays down religion better than I've ever heard it explained before, all in about 3 minutes.

Megalulz















Frustrated Serena Williams Snaps Dildo In Half Inside Herself

Thursday, September 17, 2009





Kanye West steals the mic from Taylor Swift to talk about Beyonce. The best part about this whole thing is how thoroughly all these people suck as artists and humans. Yet I can't help feeling bad for Swift, even though her music is total crap, and she probably cant hold a decent conversation.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The names of each and every fantasy team I've ever "managed"

Football:
Abortion Survivor
Anne Frank Gore
Maurice Jones-Jew
Fag Magic
Banger in the Mouth
Lotion
RapeTrainHasNoBreaks
gRAPE Ape
analrapist
Harry Potter Goes Gay
Marino's Fine Dining

Basketball:
Pau Gasaltine
Kevin Durantrum
Stolen Africans
Africa

Baseball:
Ear, Nose, and Throat Fucker
Sawyer's Sandlot
Knight Elf Mohawk
The Grammar Hammer
Spicer's Sandlot

Hockey:
My Lil' Hockey Team
The Fetus Puncher
Rapestream

Anti-teabagger walks through the belly of the beast



This is the rally that teabaggers are claiming 2 million people showed up to (biggest official estimate = 75,000, just slightly less).

Looks kind of fun actually. I wouldn't mind doing this type of thing if it didn't cost so much to fly to DC.

In the comments section on YouTube I asked what was that guy listening to with his earbuds, Tupac? And the guy personally replied to me, saying he was listening to coverage of the rally but he couldn't hear anything once the booing started. This is what a great American looks like.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Week One Predictions

Home teams in caps

STEELERS (-6) over Titans
The Steelers beat the Titans and they do so in convincing fashion tonight. Why? Because the Titans disrespected the Terrible Towel last season, and for the Steelers, this is a far worse sin that burning the flag. It is odd that a dirty looking yellow towel is supposed to engender alligence, but it IS Pittsburg, so I suppose it makes sense. Another reason the Steelers win? Do you remember Albert Haynsworth, the most dominant defensive linemen in the league last year? Yeah, he plays for the Redskins now, so there's that.

Broncos (+4) over BENGALS
While the Broncos look terrible, with Kyle Orton as their starting QB and Josh McDaniels trying to prove he's a big boy after playing the role of offensive coordinator/bitch boy to Bill Belichick in New England, I just cannot ignore the obvious here - these are the BENGALS we're talking about here. The point is, these are two very bad teams.

TEXANS(-4.5) over Jets
I like the Texans this year. It seems that for the last three years, people have been picking them to break out, what with their intense defensive line and linebacking core, and the best wide receiver in the league (No, not Fitz or Moss, Andre Johnson). I think this is the year Matt Schaub stays healthy and the Texans win 9 or 10 games. The Jets have been headed in the wrong direction ever since Farve's second half freefall last year.

Vikings (+4) over BROWNS
The Vikings defense is fucking stout. The only allow 3.3 yards per carry to opposing running backs which means the Browns are going to have to pass a lot. Uh oh. The Vikings would be a strong team without Favre, and I'm not sure they're a whole lot better with him on the team, but they have Adrian Peterson, and the Browns allow 151 yards per game to opposing teams on the ground. The purple Jesus is going to run wild.

SAINTS (-13) over Lions
Even though the Saints are favored by a whopping 13 points, that still doesn't feel like enough. If Brees doesn't have 300 yards passing by halftime, I'd be surprised.
Points will be scored all over the place in this game, and you'll feel like you're watching someone play Madden '10.

COLTS(-7) over Jaguars
The Jags are a team I always desperately WANT to like, but they always find a way to screw it up. They're coach is a crazy doppleganger of Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore, but I think Peyton and Reggie Wayne will find enough ways to score in this game to give the Colts at least a one touchdown victory.

CARDINALS(-6.5) over Niners
The Niners have exactly zero players who can stay in coverage with the top three Arizona wideouts. I expect ol' man Warner to have a field day against the pathetic Niners.

Chiefs(+13) over RAVENS
Don't misunderstand me, the Ravens will win this game easily, but unless Ed Reed returns two ints for TDs, I doubt they cover the two-touchdown spread. If you don't look at the Ravens' defense, they are not a very impressive team. Their receivers are either old or terrible, and their running back situation is a mess. Flacco is a competent QB, but I don't see a lot of points being scored in this sloppy game.

Cowboys (-6) over BUCS
The Bucs are terrible. Who is their QB? I have no idea, and I don't care. For all the shit that Romo gets, he's actually has very impressive numbers.

PATS (-10.5) over Bills
Speaking of terrible teams...the Bills!

Eagles (-2) over PANTHERS
I have no desire to pick Michael Vick's new team, but Jake Delhomme basically did the same thing to Panthers fans in last years playoffs that Vick did to those dogs.

GIANTS(-6.5) over Redskins
This is a tough one to call, with Brandon Jacobs smashing into Haynesworth for 4 quarters. I think this one comes down to the quarterbacks, and though I don't think the world of Eli, he's certainly better than Jason Campbell.

Rams(+8.5) over SEAHAWKS
The Seahawks win the game, but don't cover the spread. This may be a big comeback year for two players in this game: Matt Hasselbeck and Steven Jackson. Unless they get hurt. Like they always do.

PACKERS (-3.5) over Bears
The Packers are so much better than their 6-10 record of last year. And Cutler is already acting like a douche in Chicago.

FALCONS(-4) over Dolphins
As much as it pains me to say this, last year's Dolphins team was somewhat of a fluke. Their schedule was easy - now they have the toughest schedule in the league.
Seven wins is being optimistic.

Chargers (-9) over RAIDERS
The Chargers are the only decent team in the whole division. I wonder if JaMarcus is ever going to take a little bit off of his passes, you know, so his receivers can catch the ball!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Fucking Birther Bitches



Your goddamn birth certificate is right here, buddy.

Or, do like most conservatives and create your own reality -- generate a Kenyan Birth Certificate with Obama's information:

http://kenyanbirthcertificategenerator.com/

Despite all my roids...

... I am still just a buster in a boider.



Monday, September 07, 2009

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Rollin' On Dubs


Jerry Minor - Up in the Clubs


More silliness, from Comedy Death Ray Radio. I want to try and make a beat for this. Kevin is probably related to this guy.


Friday, September 04, 2009

People aren't posting enough.

I need things to entertain me and decrease the softness in my world.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Friday, August 28, 2009

Epiphany

Today, I saw the name Dickinson printed out, and I finally realized how amazing that name is if you break it down into its components.

Just think for a moment about what a character named Larry Dick-In-Son might do in his spare time.

Horatio Dickindaughter... yeah.

Jon Lajoie has been promoted to Small God.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

NFL Final Fantasy Futbol - Cleansman Style

We should make our own Fantasy Football league, except with this new and improved point system. You can just pick any 10 players you want, overlaps are OK. We'll tally the points at the end of the season.

Shooting yourself or getting shot: 10 points
Shooting someone else: 20 points
Running somebody over: 25 points

Changing your legal name: 15 points

Convicted of a misdemeanor: 5 points
Convicted of a felony: 10 points
Served prison time: 1 point for every week

Getting compared to T.O. by the press: 15 points
Getting traded more than 3 times in a season: 20 points

Retiring and unretiring: 25 points
Boning Jessica Simpson: 30 points

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Best Seat on the Slave Ship

Sometimes I feel like I am Captain of a shitty spaceship, the S.S. Cubicle, and right now we are hurtling towards oblivion at breakneck speeds.

I need to jump ship, but need to time my jump with the passing by of a bigger, cleaner ship, which might be headed in a different direction.

Ultimately, we are all on the same ship heading towards the edge of the universe. I happen to have a great seat in terms of watching the whole thing go down, but its still not that satisfying.

I guess that's the nature of life though: if we were satisfied all the time we wouldn't try any harder to improve our lives. Damn 3 billion years of genetic programming, I want to just continue enjoying screwing around.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The 2012 Preparedness Pack, on sale now

Not a bad idea for an internet business... But what would go in the kit?

For $99.99,

-2 liters of purified mineral water
-2 cans of Spam
-flashlight
-AM radio
-hardhat
-Bible, cross and Star of David
-roll of toilet paper

The supplies you need to survive the impending doomsday. Did I miss anything?


no, not that Doomsday

Monday, August 17, 2009

God Hates Gayblers

... which is a nifty contraction for "Gay Enabler."

That apparently includes entire nations (I almost couldn't believe this website was real! I am disappointed that I can't access the "God Hates the World" music video at work.)

This website has a great writeup on Fred Phelps (not Mike Phelps' dad), who would be a much less-funny guy if he wasn't such a loco-ass hardcore Christian esse.

In addition to doing a splendid job of information delivery via humor and poignancy, the website suggests several fun ways to troll the Westboro Baptist Church website and their assortment of hi-brow offshoot websites, including how to send them Mormon missionaries!

---

"In a word, WBC's gospel message from the mouth of The Lord, is God Hates Fags. That's a profound theological statement, that America and the world needs. More than they need food to eat, water to drink, and air to breathe."

-Rev. Fred Phelps

If only I had a dollar for every second...

I turned 1 Billion seconds old at approximately 4:09.40 am this morning (Pacific Time of course). Now if only I could covert those seconds to megatons and then release my fury upon the earth...

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Ballad of GI Joe



Special guest appearance by Henry Rollins as "Duke."

The Unreasonable Demands of Healthcare Demonstrators


Finally, a protest sign I can get behind.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Jonny "Large Strings" Greenwood and Thomas "St. Pierre" York

New Radiohead Heat

Also, the best video game review ever

...which reminds me...

...which begs the question, why are advertisements and commercials for presciption drugs legal, while pot isn't? How is this not the biggest "WTF" of modern times??

I wonder how many of those thousands were told they needed the drug by a doctor for a condition they didn't actually have, but the doctor wanted the patient as a regular client so they got them hooked on some shit that ended up killing them, all the while collecting money for office visits and other "services."

One other thing -- I don't know how your guys' cable TV is, but do you notice that all commercials are now louder than the actual television program, and some commercials are louder than others? Like, way, WAY louder than others?

I think you can now pay the TV networks extra to have your commercial blasted extra loud so it will be implanted in the brain of your target audience all the harder.

I used to be anti-conspiracy theory, but now its kind of easy to see that the system really is trying to steal your brain on some level. Or at least your ability for independent thought.

That's why you need to keep your mind limber by forcing it to comprehend strange audio as often as possible.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Dumbshit questions about Obama's Health Care Plan

So, I've been reading many articles about the fight over the HC plan, but I'm still unclear on many basic points! I wanted to spit these questions at my more intelligent and informed counterparts for some clarity.

1) Would Obama's health care plan make government healthcare compulsory for all citizens?
2) Will private health care still exist?
3) Will we be allowed to pay for a procedure if we have the money?
4) Will employers be required to provide insurance for their workers or will they be able to pass them over to this new health care system?

5) Could this cause an increase in the quality and value of private health care because they would be competing with government health care? Or will the opposite occur - will health care become increasingly expensive and decreasingly effective because of the massive influx of new patients on the government health care plan?

6) Do we have the money to spend on a program like that right now? I mean, I'd love to see everyone in America with health care, but from a pragmatic standpoint, doesn't it make more sense to tackle a massive problem like this after the recession is over? Or will people be more productive because more people will have access to health care?

Some guy said this on his official looking blog:
Quote:
Most consequential of all, even if limitations were put on certain tests and procedures, the only people who would be affected by it would be the people who, presumably, are the ones meant to be rescued by the very plan that would be imposing those limitations. The financially strapped, in other words, who are the intended beneficiaries of the health care plan would be the only people forbidden access to expensive life-extending technology. The rich will always be able to afford it.

I have some questions about this shit too:

1) Isn't this already true? If we're talking about a person insured under Obama's health care plan, aren't we talking about someone who wouldn't have health insurance at all otherwise? And isn't the fact that these people would be insured in the first place be an improvement over our current conditions?

2) In the aforementioned scenario about dire prognosis and experimental procedures, don't private insure companies make the exact same sort of decisions?

These are all real questions I have, and though I know they sound dumb, I'm having a difficult time finding unbiased answers. I would appreciate any feedback.

I Heart Animated Gifs

Monday, August 10, 2009

CATS!

Hurricane Felatia: A Whirlwhind of Cocksmoking


Its now just a tropical storm of cocksmoking. I'm kind of bummed.


Friday, August 07, 2009

Dowlst Chetszt

I want to drink beers, ski, lift big, work chops, play video games, watch movies and stay fresh all weekend long.

Unfortunately, a huge chunk of gay known as "the work" is coming toward my face and 500 miles per faghole.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Awesome dream from 2006...

I was going to meet some girls downtown for drinks, but they were really late.
I was recording music with Kevin and Cy in my room at my parent's house.
I was playing volleyball. We were at game point, but the ball was leaky. Tried to use gum to plug it but didn't work.
We won the game.
Suddenly the earth started to split apart and a large shelf of land started to emerge from the trees and come toward us.
I was with Erick, and we started to run.
Mom and Dad were somewhere else and I started screaming about how we had to go get them. Erick just left and I went back to find them.
There was mass panic.
Everyone was running in all directions, trying to find people, trying to flee.
I found mom and dad fairly quickly and we started to run away.
We were trying to get to our car so that we could escape.
We made it to the parking garage but it was flooded with water.
This approaching menace had changed forms from a solid mass into an approaching flood.
We were forced to abandon the car and continue on foot.
We ran up some stairs onto some kind of athletic field.
A woman sat motionless on the bleachers.
At first we tried to help her, but as we got closer we noticed there was something wrong with her.
Her face was all swoll up and mutated, just like the twilight zone episode where the people have to wear the masks to get the inheritance.
There were puddles of water everywhere.
We left the woman and continued, but were soon approached by more mutants.
It had become obvious that people were being transformed by the water somehow.
These creatures were somewhat like zombies.
They came after us, but we were able to fight off the first wave.
Somehow I got a pistol and used it to kill several of them by shooting them in the head.
I got separated from my parents by some distance while fighting, then heard them wailing in the distance.
As I approached, I noticed to my horror that their faces had begun to change.
However, they were still mentally themselves.
I asked if my face was changing, and they said it was not yet.
We all decided that we would have to kill each other.
I would kill them first then myself.
I did just that.