Thursday, May 28, 2009

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Phil Jackson's incredibly accurate comments about the ref in last night's game

I know I'm getting a bit obsessed with this but here we go again:

"Basketball is a game where the aggressor gets the advantage," Jackson said after Denver evened the series at 2-2. "And tonight we didn't know what a foul was and what wasn't a foul. Start of the game, we got guys knocked around going to the basket, they said, 'We're going to let those things go.' By the end of the ballgame, little fouls were being called all over the place."

Monday, May 25, 2009

New Star Trek

J.J. Abrams just teabagged George Lucas when it comes to making a prequel.

Saturday, May 23, 2009


Win win win win win win win.

Friday, May 22, 2009

I don't know if I can watch NBA games anymore

a) The officiating was somehow worse tonight than last night. They mixed up nearly every charging/blocking call and were maddeningly inconsistent throughout. Fuck it.
b) What the hell is wrong with Van Gundy? Your team is up two with ONE second left. You're playing Cleveland. Who should you guard? Who's the one guy you don't want throwing up a last second shot? If you said LeBron James, you're officially a better coach than Van Gundy.
c) The NBA is basically full of guys like Chad Johnson or Terrell Owens or any other primadonna NFL wide receiver. The flopping, complaining, touch fouls and constant crying by the players after every call that doesn't go there way is simply ridiculous. I hate NFL wideouts. It attracts the worst kind of person - and I'm starting to think the same about the NBA.
d) Many of the players look like that are literally doing pantomime or Broadway theater. It's like watching a Nicolas Cage movie where Cage is black and good at basketball.
e) I'm more convinced than ever that the NBA is fixed. The Magic outplayed the Cavs for the majority of the game, but there were many times that their momentum was conveniently stopped by an odiously bad charging foul. This does, however, give me hope for the Lakers. Let's see if they don't get a few calls so that David Stern can get his wet dream final of Lakers/Cavs.
f) Fuck the NBA.

The Lakers game last night

That was one of those games that make me never want to watch the NBA again because the officiating was so atrocious.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Top 50 Text Acronyms Parents Should Know

Are you getting all this, Josh?

Here are some of my personal faves:

459 - I love you (WTF?)

1174 - Nude club (see above)

FMLTWIA - F*** Me Like The Whore I Am

IAYM - I Am Your Master

IIT - Is It Tight?

POS - Parent Over Shoulder or Piece Of Sh**


Here are a few new ones to look out for as well:

POSOS - Piece of Shit Over Shoulder

WKYPFC - Will Kill Your Parents for Cyber

WNRUAT - Will Not Rape Unless Asked To

LTCOC - Likes to Come on Cheezits

JMOLTPOSIA - Jerk Me Off Like the Piece of Shit I Am

6969 - Agree that Marxism was good in principle but limited in social application by the fallability of man.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Michael Vick's Salary Went to the Dogs

Michael Vick leaves prison for home confinement

"He said he has been earning 12 cents an hour as an overnight janitor in prison. His Falcons salary, he said, was between $10 million and $12 million."

Wow, that's probably the biggest salary cut ever... He went from making about $5000.00 an hour (thats if he worked a 8 hour workday 50 weeks a year) to $0.12 an hour, which is a 99.9976% drop.

Well I'm all for letting him back in the NFL. Not cuz I care about him at all but because he was the best player to have in Madden 2007.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Pau Gasol is a mutated Matt Brown.

I need you guys to invent a device...

that fits nicely over a baby's face and turns all of her cries into "No Surprises" by Radiohead.

Janeane Garofalo vs. the Teabaggers

Sorry for the extreme closeup. I feel it deserved an apology.

But honestly, how many super-smart conservatives can you think of? Can you name one that isn't in it just for the money?

I don't really even like Janeane Garofalo; as a comedienne and actress she is slightly above mediocre. However, she is a better telejournalist than any of those Foxbots, and even though she's an ACTRESS she has a better understanding of the country's history. How does anybody call themselves a "conservative" right now and expect to be taken seriously?

Even Joe the Plumber left the Republican party, and he's a moron. The teabaggers are pretty much morons in the same way as Joe, in that they let ignorance and fear guide their behavior instead of reason and rationality... That is pretty much all that conservatism now stands for. The political line is being drawn straight up and down across the median of intelligence, with the fearful tards on one side and everybody else on the other...

Some smart conservatives...

Ben Stein
Rush Limbaugh
Dick Cheney
Dennis Miller
Roger Ailes
Karl Rove
George Will

Not ONE doesn't espouse their conservative idiology for cash. That's the only reason anybody would.

Monday, May 18, 2009

How did I end up on Star Tours?

So I was watching the new Star Trek movie tonight when I found myself confronted with a strange dilemma, namely trying to figure out how it was I ended up on Star Tours.  Was it some sort of spontaneous teleportation, or perhaps an acid flashback?  I  mean seriously, why the fuck was my seat bouncing like a super ball?  Then it dawned on me that the whole theater was rocking with me, at which point the picture cut out and I realized 'Fuck, this is an earthquake and it just ruined the movie.'  Seriously, I was only like 1/2 hour into it.  That wasn't cool.  Now I have to go again some other night.  


Saturday, May 16, 2009

I can still beat Mike Tyson's Punch Out!

That makes me worthwhile as a person.

We're turning your bedroom back into the computer room.

Frank Stallone!

This guitar looks exactly like my dad's Guild:

Bio: here.

Now the best:

Friday, May 15, 2009

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Wetzel's Hurtzels

(makes me beg for a time machine so I could correct my mistake of trying a Wetzel Dog)
So a couple weeks ago we had a new Wetzel's Pretzels open in our posh outdoor mall's foodcourt, which is easily one of the best and most international foodcourts known to mang. There's a mediocre version of just about every lunch product you can think of, and then some original classics which transcend mediocrity.

Then there's Wetzel's Pretzels, which after trying for the first time today, I'm no longer considering to be food. Its technically more along the lines of a salt, grease and filth wholesaler. Sure their products look decent in the pictures... Well okay, not decent, but like wholesome American grub at least.

Yet instead, to my chagrin, it was absolute shite! Nearly inedible balls of salt, grease and dough, and that's about it. I think their whole business is to prey off the weaknesses of fat Americans. They cater directly to people's dirtiest desires, and I think the only time I would ever go back there is if I was in an irrational, helpless and irresponsible state of mind... Maybe if the world was going to end in 2 minutes and I wanted one last grease rush sensation before I left this world... Any longer than that and forget it, I wouldn't want to have to deal with the indigestion... A hard lesson learned.

Another satisfied customer!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Happy Birthday, Josh

"So, I heard you're havin' a lil baby there... Whoah! What happen there buddy? You forget to wear a rubber or somethin'? No but seriously, I woulda let you borrow one, dude. All you gotta do is ask Carl."

"So I suppose you want me to say somethin' special to, you know, mark the occasion. So whoopty friggin doo!! Keep 'em outta the hot tub. How's that for ya? I'm goin' back inside."

(No but, seriously, Not your birthday, but of the object that came to rise partly out of you, yet is not you. And unlike other things that fall off your body, this thing will flourish... Provided you water it enough... Words of wisdom right there.)

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Prince doesn't want his music in 'Guitar Hero' ...

...because "the timing of the notes is inconsistent on different console/TV systems...I just don't want my music being integrated into an inferior product."

Just kidding. What he actually said was something along the lines of, "I think its more important for kids to play real instruments." Thats a much lammer comment. There are a couple reasons to not want your music playable in Guitar Hero, but Prince cant seem to come up with one. What he should have said is, "I don't want my music in Guitar Hero because that would encourage the genre. I want my music in the first mmorpgfps. I'll do the music free for that shit. Make it happen someone." If he said that I would think good thoughts about him. No one will ever say that though.

BTW, I like guitar hero for what it is.

Cody like drinky.

I also like the movie Unbreakable. I didn't used to like it so much, but now I realize that M. Night was in his prime with this solid film.

Haz youz guyz noticed the "Monetize" option in the blogger control panel? Apparently we can start selling ad space on Cleansmanship and bringing home the chowder.

Sometimes a bottle of wine just isn't enough love, but usually it's just right.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Body of a Savior For Only $9.99

So, does the product make you skinny and unkempt??
Kind of reminds me of the whole Phiten phenomenon... I love how they simply say, "Patent is acquired" rather than actually explaining to you how the hell wearing a wristband filled with metal particles suspended in water is "good for your health."
Have you guys heard about that? They make bracelets with some form of ionized titanium or something in the middle that supposedly increases the body's blood flow, to your wrist or something... of course making you smarter, stronger and better looking.
I'd rather just wear a Rosary, they're much cheaper. Plus they channel the Catholic God which is much more powerful a fictional force than Phiten.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009


May 5th, 2009 is just as unapocalyptic as 5/5/2000. What gives?

What did you guys think of The Wrestler?

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Mike Tyson is a singular personality.

For the financial win.

Some drunk Icelandic guy gave Kevin and I $21 and change because he liked our guitar playing at the Mercury Lounge. I'm ready to quit my lame job and tour Iceland. I can subsist on salad, rice and beer, and occasionally on the flesh of my fellow man.

On an unrelated note, Rusty's pizza is teh clean and I can hear my pulse in my ear.

Saturday, May 02, 2009