Monday, September 28, 2009

teh kleen v. teh gey

The difference between Kleen and Gey is often slight, frequently imperceptible to the untrained eyehole. Observe and learn:

Kleen - weekends
Gey - weekdays

Kleen - football
Gey - futbol

Kleen - Wine
Gey - Wine Coolers

Kleen - knowledge of multiple universes
Gey - knowledge of multiple seasons of American Idol

Kleen - Xbox
Gey - Sex Bots*

Kleen - quick, low dumps
Gey - sick, slow dumps

Kleen - 2-for-1 hos
Gey - 2-in-1 hos

Kleen - a bag of green
Gey - a bag of semen

* I dunno, I would buy a Sex Bot if they were customizable, and if they put a limit on how much force the robolabia can squeeze with, to insure that your Johnson can't get cut off.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Home teams in caps

RAVENS (-13.5) over Browns
Look at the line on this game! The Ravens need to score two more touchdowns than the Browns to cover, but I'm still picking Baltimore. The Ravens have a bunch of tough old guys on defense who are playing almost as well as they did in their Superbowl year and an offense lead by a frighteningly competent second year QB, Joe Flacco. It's unbelievable how quick your perception of a player can change. This time last year, "FLACCO!" was one of those terms you could just yell at certain groups of friends, and they would laugh on cue as if you'd just told a real joke. Now it seems silly to bet against him, even when Baltimore needs a two-touchdown win. This also reflects my opinion of the Browns. They really look awful.

Packers (-7) over RAMS
I'm not ready to give up on the Pack yet. Last week's loss to the Bengals not might look as crazy when the year's over, because it's starting to look like the Bengals are not that bad. Antoine Odom (who?) had five sacks in one freakin' game! The Packers offensive line can be that bad.

Anyway, who wants to pick the Rams? They've only scored seven points in two game! They continue to be astonishingly inept with a large number of good players. They're just not a good team.

Giants (-7) over BUCS
I just read an article in ESPN Magazine that Giants QB Eli Manning is the best QB in the NFL in "the clutch." Of course, this defies conventional logic that he and his brother Peyton are like Danny Devito and Arnold in "Twins," respectively.

LIONS (+6.5) over Redskins

EAGLES (-8.5) over Chiefs

Saints (-6) over BILLS

Falcons (+4) over PATRIOTS

Titans (+2.5) over JETS

Niners (+7) over VIKINGS

TEXANS (-3.5) over Jaguars

Bears (-2) over SEAHAWKS

BENGALS (+4) over Steelers

Broncos (-1.5) over RAIDERS

Dolphins (+6) over CHARGERS

Colts (+1.5) over CARDS

Panthers (+9) over COWBOYS

Last week: 9-7
Season: 18-14

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

There's no room in his heart for you cuz Doug loves movies.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Doug Benson.

If you haven't yet seen Super High Me, its highly recommended, no pun intended.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Week Two Predictions

TITANS (+6.5) over Texans
Though both of these teams are 0-1, the Titans barely lost to the defending champion Steelers, while the Texans were blown out by the...Jets? Are the Jets good, or are the Texans really bad? I don't know yet, but I'm pretty upset that I tied my fantasy football fortunes to Texans' quarterback Matt Schaub.

Giants (+3) over COWBOYS
The Cowboys showed some serious big play ability in week one, with Romo throwing three long touchdown passes. That was against the Bucs though, and I'm quite sure that team is bad. The Giants tussled with the Redskins, but their defense looked solid and Eli Manning was serviceable. I see Brandon Jacobs having a big game. (On a side note, is there any way that Eli Manning is worth the 100 million dollars the Giants are paying him? Has someone's value ever been more overrated BEFORE they died? This is like Michael Jackson receiving the outpouring of support he has gotten since he died while he was still alive. Never would have happened.)

Panthers (+6.5) over ATLANTA
Poor Jake Delhomme. He lead his team to a Superbowl a few years ago, but he's turned the ball over 11 times in the last two games. (His career path is starting to mirror Lauren Hill.) Despite that, I think that the Panthers are going to bounce back this week. They won 12 games last year and they are a proud team with two top 20 running backs and a stiff defense. Atlanta beat the shit out of the Dolphins last week, but they didn't look amazing doing so. The Dolphins just looked terrible.

Vikings (-9.5) over LIONS
Adrian Peterson had 180 yards and three touchdowns last week. The Lions are among the worst teams in the league against the run.

Bengals (+9) over PACKERS
The Packers will win this game, but I don't think it's going to be a blowout. The Packers looked alright against the Bears last week, but I'm not sure that they've really hit their stride yet. Rodgers missed some easy passes that he usually makes in his sleep. Pack wins by a TD.

Raiders (+3) over CHIEFS
The Raiders! They looked tough against the heavily favored Chargers in Monday Night's game, especially on defense. I'm not very confident in this pick; even though the Chiefs look terrible, they are always hard to beat at home. Still, I think that the Raiders make enough plays to win the game.

Saints (PK) over EAGLES
Drew Brees is the most underrated player in the NFL. He came a few yards short of breaking Dan Marino's single season passing record and he threw a record-tying SIX TD passes last week. Did I mention that Donavan McNabb isn't playing this week? The Saints seem like they can score at will, so if you're playing them, you need your starting QB.

Rams (+10) over REDSKINS
Again, the Redskins should easily win this game, but I'm not comfortable with the ten-points that the Rams are being spotted. The strange thing about the Rams is that they have a large number of good players, but they were embarrassed last week by the Seahawks. I think they put up more of a fight than they did last week.

Patriots(-4) over JETS
I think people are a bit too excited about the Jets. This is one of those bandwagon picks that seems scarier and scarier as the week goes on and the line changes. The Patriots aren't in as much trouble as people think. The Bills played them very very well last week, but Belichick coached teams tend to bounce back after weak performances.

Bills (-5) over Bucs
The Bills looked great against the Pats, and like I said, I don't think the Pats aren't as bad as their week one performance would indicate. There was a real sense of fight and purpose in the way the Bills played. Even their backup running back, Fred Jackson, had a monster game. The Bucs look confused and Byron Leftwich is the quarterback you turn to in the NFL when you have no answers.

JAGS (-3.5) over Cardinals
I don't like this game. I won't watch it. The Cardinals overachieved badly last year and were completely shown up by the Niners last week. The Jags played the Colts well, losing by two points and throwing Peyton Manning off of his rhythm. Maurice Jones-Drew is going to rack up a bunch of yards on short receptions. Warner is looking every day of his age.

NINERS (-1.5) over Seahawks
The Niners! Really? Yeah, I'll take 'em! Last week, I thought they had no chance of stopping Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin from running all of the field, catching long passes at will. I was very wrong. The Niners looked like one of the better defenses in week one, particularly against the pass. The Seahawks live and die by the pass. This week they die.

Steelers (-3) over BEARS
How many interceptions will Cutler throw this week? How difficult is it going to be for the Bears to make up for the loss of Urlacher? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure the Steelers are going to stomp them this week.

Ravens (+3.5) over CHARGERS
The Ravens are good. They're really good. There defense, naturally, is brilliant, but it's their offense that was so shockingly good last week. Especially second-year quarterback Joe Flacco. That's right, I'm officially endorsing Flacco. Not to mention the three-headed running back tandum that Baltimore employed with great success last week. The Chargers were extremely shakey against the Raiders. It's going to take an amazing game from Rivers to pull this one off, especially with LT out.

BRONCOS (-3.5) over Browns
I hate this game. I'm not talking about it.

Colts (-3) over DOLPHINS
I can't believe the Colts are only favored by three. I'm a Dophins fan and I may not be able to watch the entire game Monday night. Bill Simmons of ESPN said it best: "The Dolphins' offense is like watching two drunk people try to fool around." It's going to be a long season.

Last Week: 9-7

Friday, September 18, 2009

Oh Skycake, why are you so delicious?

Patton Oswalt lays down religion better than I've ever heard it explained before, all in about 3 minutes.


Frustrated Serena Williams Snaps Dildo In Half Inside Herself

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Kanye West steals the mic from Taylor Swift to talk about Beyonce. The best part about this whole thing is how thoroughly all these people suck as artists and humans. Yet I can't help feeling bad for Swift, even though her music is total crap, and she probably cant hold a decent conversation.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The names of each and every fantasy team I've ever "managed"

Abortion Survivor
Anne Frank Gore
Maurice Jones-Jew
Fag Magic
Banger in the Mouth
Harry Potter Goes Gay
Marino's Fine Dining

Pau Gasaltine
Kevin Durantrum
Stolen Africans

Ear, Nose, and Throat Fucker
Sawyer's Sandlot
Knight Elf Mohawk
The Grammar Hammer
Spicer's Sandlot

My Lil' Hockey Team
The Fetus Puncher

Anti-teabagger walks through the belly of the beast

This is the rally that teabaggers are claiming 2 million people showed up to (biggest official estimate = 75,000, just slightly less).

Looks kind of fun actually. I wouldn't mind doing this type of thing if it didn't cost so much to fly to DC.

In the comments section on YouTube I asked what was that guy listening to with his earbuds, Tupac? And the guy personally replied to me, saying he was listening to coverage of the rally but he couldn't hear anything once the booing started. This is what a great American looks like.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Week One Predictions

Home teams in caps

STEELERS (-6) over Titans
The Steelers beat the Titans and they do so in convincing fashion tonight. Why? Because the Titans disrespected the Terrible Towel last season, and for the Steelers, this is a far worse sin that burning the flag. It is odd that a dirty looking yellow towel is supposed to engender alligence, but it IS Pittsburg, so I suppose it makes sense. Another reason the Steelers win? Do you remember Albert Haynsworth, the most dominant defensive linemen in the league last year? Yeah, he plays for the Redskins now, so there's that.

Broncos (+4) over BENGALS
While the Broncos look terrible, with Kyle Orton as their starting QB and Josh McDaniels trying to prove he's a big boy after playing the role of offensive coordinator/bitch boy to Bill Belichick in New England, I just cannot ignore the obvious here - these are the BENGALS we're talking about here. The point is, these are two very bad teams.

TEXANS(-4.5) over Jets
I like the Texans this year. It seems that for the last three years, people have been picking them to break out, what with their intense defensive line and linebacking core, and the best wide receiver in the league (No, not Fitz or Moss, Andre Johnson). I think this is the year Matt Schaub stays healthy and the Texans win 9 or 10 games. The Jets have been headed in the wrong direction ever since Farve's second half freefall last year.

Vikings (+4) over BROWNS
The Vikings defense is fucking stout. The only allow 3.3 yards per carry to opposing running backs which means the Browns are going to have to pass a lot. Uh oh. The Vikings would be a strong team without Favre, and I'm not sure they're a whole lot better with him on the team, but they have Adrian Peterson, and the Browns allow 151 yards per game to opposing teams on the ground. The purple Jesus is going to run wild.

SAINTS (-13) over Lions
Even though the Saints are favored by a whopping 13 points, that still doesn't feel like enough. If Brees doesn't have 300 yards passing by halftime, I'd be surprised.
Points will be scored all over the place in this game, and you'll feel like you're watching someone play Madden '10.

COLTS(-7) over Jaguars
The Jags are a team I always desperately WANT to like, but they always find a way to screw it up. They're coach is a crazy doppleganger of Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore, but I think Peyton and Reggie Wayne will find enough ways to score in this game to give the Colts at least a one touchdown victory.

CARDINALS(-6.5) over Niners
The Niners have exactly zero players who can stay in coverage with the top three Arizona wideouts. I expect ol' man Warner to have a field day against the pathetic Niners.

Chiefs(+13) over RAVENS
Don't misunderstand me, the Ravens will win this game easily, but unless Ed Reed returns two ints for TDs, I doubt they cover the two-touchdown spread. If you don't look at the Ravens' defense, they are not a very impressive team. Their receivers are either old or terrible, and their running back situation is a mess. Flacco is a competent QB, but I don't see a lot of points being scored in this sloppy game.

Cowboys (-6) over BUCS
The Bucs are terrible. Who is their QB? I have no idea, and I don't care. For all the shit that Romo gets, he's actually has very impressive numbers.

PATS (-10.5) over Bills
Speaking of terrible teams...the Bills!

Eagles (-2) over PANTHERS
I have no desire to pick Michael Vick's new team, but Jake Delhomme basically did the same thing to Panthers fans in last years playoffs that Vick did to those dogs.

GIANTS(-6.5) over Redskins
This is a tough one to call, with Brandon Jacobs smashing into Haynesworth for 4 quarters. I think this one comes down to the quarterbacks, and though I don't think the world of Eli, he's certainly better than Jason Campbell.

Rams(+8.5) over SEAHAWKS
The Seahawks win the game, but don't cover the spread. This may be a big comeback year for two players in this game: Matt Hasselbeck and Steven Jackson. Unless they get hurt. Like they always do.

PACKERS (-3.5) over Bears
The Packers are so much better than their 6-10 record of last year. And Cutler is already acting like a douche in Chicago.

FALCONS(-4) over Dolphins
As much as it pains me to say this, last year's Dolphins team was somewhat of a fluke. Their schedule was easy - now they have the toughest schedule in the league.
Seven wins is being optimistic.

Chargers (-9) over RAIDERS
The Chargers are the only decent team in the whole division. I wonder if JaMarcus is ever going to take a little bit off of his passes, you know, so his receivers can catch the ball!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Fucking Birther Bitches

Your goddamn birth certificate is right here, buddy.

Or, do like most conservatives and create your own reality -- generate a Kenyan Birth Certificate with Obama's information:

Despite all my roids...

... I am still just a buster in a boider.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Rollin' On Dubs

Jerry Minor - Up in the Clubs

More silliness, from Comedy Death Ray Radio. I want to try and make a beat for this. Kevin is probably related to this guy.

Friday, September 04, 2009

People aren't posting enough.

I need things to entertain me and decrease the softness in my world.