Saturday, October 31, 2009

Picks and awesome pic

Sarah Made These
I Chose My Wife Well!

Broncos (+3.5) over RAVENS

Texans(-3.5) over BILLS

Browns (+13) over BEARS

Dolphins (+3) over JETS

COLTS (-12.5) over Niners

Seahawks (+9.5) over COWBOYS

LIONS (-3.5) over Rams

Giants (-1) over EAGLES

CHARGERS (-16.5) over Raiders

Jags (+3) over TITANS

CARDINALS (-10) over Panthers

SAINTS (-11) over Falcons

PACKERS (-3) over Vikings

Last Week - 7-5
Season - 53-38

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Earth Fights Man

Ho no no, ho no no
Cannot stop
the lava flow

Geologists, architects, they all know
Bruddah cannot stop one lava flow

Lava burn deep
Lava burn red
Betta run cross dat street
Befo it burn you dead

Lava burn near
Lava burn roads
But ainokea
Cuz buggah burn slow.

Durka doo!

Monday, October 26, 2009

"Twelfth" is a bizarre word.

It just looks so wrong spelled out, and it also sounds really strange. It's one of those words that starts to loose all meaning as you think about it in greater depth.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Ideas for Useless Inventions

On my daily walk through the Ala Moana shopping center (the biggest outdoor mall in the world I'm told) I started thinking, what if they made escalators that moved way too fast. That would be sweet. You'd have to time your jump on and off the escalator just right or risk falling down a rapidly moving flight of stairs. Then at the end you have to time your jump off or else you get tripped up and go flying forward.

They should really just have giant zip lines that go from one end of the mall to the other, and that are under a "use-at-your-own-risk" policy. Meaning, if you don't strap yourself in properly and fall a couple mall levels then oh well its your own damn fault.

The mall should also open a Rape Store that sells products to people who are interested in rape or being raped.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Let me explain something about The Dude.

The Dude doesn't talk to fuckin' goats, man.

Nor does the military let people keep their pony tails. EVER.
Stupidest premise for a movie in '09?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Week Six Picks

This is a real gut-check for me this week. My picks haven't been good lately, and even worse, I've written nothing to accompany them. I wonder if the two are related. Regardless, it's time for redemption. This is where I lay my cards on the table, stare you down like the dog that you are, and finally, dunk your head in the toilet and flush.

Yup, home team in caps again.

Kansas City (-6.5) over WASHINGTON
There's nothing particularly good about Kansas City, but you've got to look at what Washington has done so far. They are 2-3, however, every team they've played so far had zero wins (!) coming into their respective games with the Redskins. So, out of five teams with no wins, Washington could only beat two of them. They were the ones who helped the Lions end their 20+ game losing streak. So I'm going with KC.

Does anyone else remember when Joe Montana was on the Cheifs? That was so bizarre. It was like seeing Kobe in a Nets jersey or Michelle Obama in a "Girls Gone Wild!" commercial. I remember that this is when I realized my dad wasn't really a Niners fan, just a fan of Montana. This is entirely acceptable. I mean, the only reason I'm a Dolphins fan is because of Dan Marino. So really, I shouldn't be a Dolphins fan. Yet I am and I can't even help it. Even when I went through a long period in which I did not watch sports, whenever I happened to catch a game involving the Dodgers/Dolphins/Lakers, I couldn't help but feel this strange tinge of excitement and trepidation. In no way do I feel responsible for these emotions.

Cleveland (-14) over PITTSBURGH
This game mades me nervous for a moment, because I picked Pitt in my last man standing pool. Then I remember what happened last week. Cleveland's QB Derek Anderson completed two passes on seventeen attempts last week. And they still won the game! Pittsburgh is looking extremely shaky, which is why I don't think they'll cover the two touchdown spread.

I think I argued against myself in that last paragraph.

JACKSONVILLE (-10) over St. Louis
The Jags got destroyed last week by the Seahawks, which is why I think they'll kill St. Louis, who probably has the least talent of anyone in the league. This week the Jags bounce back and crush the Rams. Fun fact for everyone out there: in five weeks, the Rams have scored a total of 34 points! The Falcons scored 45 last week against an excellent 49ers defense, and yet the Rams have only muster a mere 34 points all year? How is this possible?

You only really wonder until you see Kyle Boller strut out on the field for St. Louis. "Wow" you think to yourself, "this is their Quarterback? There's gotta be someone else." It's like when your friend is dating some really lame chick who is incapable of holding a conversation and you can't believe your friend has settled for this situation. It's like seeing Thom Yorke on the soundtrack for "New Moon," the queer ass sequel to the faggoty faux vampire cockpile that was "Twilight." Thom, what the fuck are you doing on there? I really want to know why you did this. It was done with a sense of irony, right?

Detroit (+13.5) over GREEN BAY
Green Bay can't stop the pass rush at all. The offense line continues to cave into any pass rush. I am as certain as I can that the Packers will win, but Detroit is a young, frustrated, but talented (yup) team that is going to get after Aaron Rodgers, who, bless his heart, still won't complain about being sacked 8 times a game. If Ryan Grant can do a bit better on the ground, then the Packers will be o.k., but I don't see Green Bay covering a nearly two touchdown spread. I think you can move the ball on the Packers.

Fun fact number two: Aaron Rodgers is the eighth highest rated passer in the NFL, yet he gets sacked one and a half times more per game than the second most sacked passer in the NFL (his five per game compared to Dante Culpepper's 3.5 a game). He's by far the most sacked QB in the league, yet he still gets the job done. It's just a shame the Green Bay defense isn't playing better.

CINCINNATI (-5) over Houston
The Bengals are good! The Bengals are good? Yes! Chad Ochocinco is fun to watch again, and Carson Palmer looks like a top ten quarterback. He's comeback has been a weirdly delayed surprise, like finding a Christmas present from four years ago hidden behind the couch. Though in this case, you knew there was a present and were convinced that you'd eventually find it. I wonder if I'm picking this game backwards though. Arguably (which I'll argue later), Denver has a trap game coming up after beating the Patriots. Why isn't this going to be a trap game for Cincy?

I think the biggest difference for the Bengals this year, however, has been their defense, particularly their defensive line, which has netted 14 sacks - fourth in the league. Matt Schaub, the Texans quarterback, tends to hold the ball far too long, so while I expect a lot of scores in this game, I also expect Houston to put up some points. I think this line is too low. Really, the way the Bengals have been playing (they've beaten the Steelers and the Ravens), they should really be favored by at least a touchdown. Especially because the Texans can't stop the run and Schaub looks like he's playing in front of some girl he's trying impress, with unintended consequences.

MINNESOTA (-3) over Baltimore
So the logic goes thus: if Baltimore is a good team, they will not lose three games in a row. Baltimore is a good team. Therefore, Baltimore will not lose this game. That's not the case though, especially in Minny. Did you see Brett Favre MURDER the Packers on Monday Night Football? That was a terrible betrayal. That was Lando when he turned in Han and Leia to Vader on cloud city. God damnit, Lando.

Those freaky Nike commercials with Adrian Peterson (where his skin turns into the athletic gear after he demolishes some anonymous team's hopes and dreams with a dominant run and a firm handshake) have a very cinematic feel, which I happen to enjoy. The sound effects and the music seem to indicate this is some sort of "horror" commercial, where Adrian Peterson develops an unnatural symbiotic relationship with his sporting goods and proceeds to destroy everyone in his path. This is simply not far from the truth. Watch this video and tell me that he's not some sort of Greek god or sign of the Apocalypse or some other thing.

New York Giants (+3) over NEW ORLEANS

Carolina (-3.5) over TAMPA BAY
Every week there is a game that I hate and don't really want to talk about, and this week it's this match up of NFC south bottom-feeders. Watching Jake Delhomme play quarterback is a lot like watching a Kevin Costner movie: you know it's going to be painful and that it won't end well. On the other hand, Tampa Bay is quite terrible. They are possibly the worst team in the NFC after the Rams. So I have to believe that Carolina will win this game. Lots of hand offs to Jon Stewart and DeAngelo Williams and all should be well. Man, it's hard to believe Delhomme was in the Superbowl a few years ago. But then again, the same could be said about Costner in "Field of Dreams."

Philadelphia (-14) over Oakland
If they had to let Michael Vick back into the NFL, why couldn't he go to the level of hell formerly known as "The Raiders"? Maybe that's too much to wish on Oakland's fans. RAIDERS NATION!

SEATTLE (-3) over Arizona
I think I want to watch this game, even though my utter distaste for the NFC West makes that seem contradictory. This game has the potential to involve tons of big passes and almost no defense. I wonder what the over/under is on this game? I'm thinking at least 80. Seattle is the last team with a real homefield advantage.

Wait a second! Sarah just drunk-dialed me from her parents' house! Haha! Who would have thought? I got married to distance myself from annoyingly drunk women!

SAN DIEGO (-4) over Denver
Someone please explain to me how the undefeated Denver Broncos are NOT favored in this game? Vegas has officially lost it. At this point, they're grasping as straws, and I know that you're supposed to take the points if your not sure, but the Broncos have that "too good to be true" look that you have to watch out for in the NFL. As long as the Chargers don't do something stupid, like try to establish a running game, I see Philip Rivers having a big game and the Broncos finally hitting that wall.

By the way, has their ever been a stranger team than the Chargers? You know how sometimes a movie is announced, and the cast is so unbelievably good that you imagine how the film could be anything but a classic, but then when the film is released it's an underachieving piece of garbage? Add steroids, Kim Kardashian and assault charges and you have the San Diego Chargers. Their uniforms are nice though.

ATLANTA (-3) over Chicago
General practice in setting NFL lines is to give the home team 3 points for homefield advantage.(Though I'd argue that doesn't really exist anymore.) So, basically, Vegas is saying that these two teams are about equal. I don't see it that way. Atlanta destroyed the Niners last week, and that actually means something this year. Atlanta has beaten some good teams and Matt Ryan is playing just as well as he did in his rookie season. On the other hand, I can see how Chicago appears to be a good team, seeing how they are 3-1 without Brian Urlacher. But consider how they've won - a fluke last second victory over the Steelers and wins over the Lions and Seahawks. Nothing in particular to write home about. Atlanta is the more talented team at nearly every position, and I'm still not sure whether or not the Bears have a good coach. I do know this: I wish ill upon Jay Cutler.

NEW YORK JETS (-10) over Buffalo
I really like talking about the Jets right now. Specifically, I like to talk about their bravado before the Dolphins game, and their utter refusal to give the Dolphins any credit for beating their asses on Monday Night Football. Their players are arrogant dildos, their coach looks like an inflated chipmunk who just got blown by a prairie dog, and their uniforms suck. If you couldn't tell, I hate the Jets. But the Bills are terrible. So terrible. Epically terrible. If the Bills win this game, I will certainly be happy, but the chances of that happening are very slim. Trent Edwards is going to shit himself when the Jets send nine guys after him on every third-down blitz. And T.O. will probably cry after the game. So, we can all look forward to that.

NEW ENGLAND (-9.5) over Tennessee
13-3. That was Tennessee's record last year. THIRTEEN AND FUCKING THREE! That's fantastic. But, as with many teams that overachieve with an easy schedule (2008 Dolphins), they are suffering a massive letdown as they've lost six straight games. While I'm not particularly hoping this will happen, it's only a matter of time before Brady starts hitting his open receivers in the end zone. And Tennessee can't stop the pass. Or the run. Also they can't pass. Chris Johnson is a very good running back, though.

How bad must Vince Young really be? When you're 0-5, you have to at least start thinking about starting your young first round draft pick QB over the 52 year-old Kerry Collins - Yet the Titans keep trotting out ol' Kerry each week, and each week they lose. I know Young went AWOL last year, but come on! If you don't think he's worth starting in this situation, then you'll never think he's worth starting. At least trade him to some other team for a third round pick or something.

Well, that's the longest thing I've ever written that wasn't for school or about Star Wars. I can only hope my longwindedness is only matched by my success at picking the winners this week.

Best songwriters of our generation?

Here's my rough list, in no particular order...

Kurt Cobain
Elliott Smith
Thom Yorke, et al.

Shoot my picks down and add new ones.

Don't get any big ideas...

..they're not gonna happen.

I heard the new Foo song, and it's gu-hay.

When is Radiohead making more clean music?

...also Jack and Coke.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Stop having a boring tuna. Stop having a boring life.

I love how Vince claims that the Slap Chop will make anyone's life exciting.

The funny thing is that I've watched that video so much now, I'm truly convinced that the Slap Chop is a really useful tool which I should have. Am I the only one who feels that way?

Friday equates with the win.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Week 5 Predictions

Home teams in caps

Vikings (-10) over RAMS

CHIEFS (+8) over Cowboys

Redskins (+3.5) over PANTHERS

Bucs (+15) over EAGLES

Bengals (+8.5) over RAVENS

GIANTS (-15) over Raiders

Steelers (-10.5) over LIONS

Browns (+6) over BILLS

NINERS (-2.5) over Falcons

SEAHAWKS (pk) over Jags

BRONCOS (+3.5) over Patriots

Texans (+5.5) over CARDS

Colts (-3.5) over TITANS

DOLPHINS (+1.5) over Jets

Last Week: 5-9
Season: 34-18

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Cody's recommended FREE security solution Windows XP.

I previously used an all-in-one Norton security package, but my subscription ran out and I didn't want to keep paying for virus definition downloads and software upgrades. I decided to do some research. Here's the best free solution I could find:

Firewall: Zone Alarm Free Firewall

Anti-Virus: Microsoft Security Essentials

Zone Alarm is a bit aggressive and shows a lot of pop ups at first, so I don't recommend it for non power users. However, I'd rather have a firewall that's aggressive as opposed to soft. FYI, the built in Windows XP firewall DOES NOT block any outbound traffic, only inbound. This means that it can stop incoming attacks, but can't protect against malware that's already on your system and is trying to dial out.

MS Security Essentials is a new thing that kind of slid in under the radar, but is being reviewed favorably. It seems leaps and bounds above the other free packages, but is probably not quite as good as the expensive third-party stuff. Still, it's free, and seems clean.

I realize that this post seems like an advert, but I honestly wanted to share my data mining results with you guys so that you can all browse porn safely and without fear.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Fuck Yeah.

this tune drives people absolutely mental. play it as loud as you can. the complexity, depth and nastiness of the bass line is pretty much unparalleled even by today's technophile standards.

you guys should come out to my first big dubstep show next weekend. just create a fold in spacetime and pass through it like a pencil through a folded piece of paper. its that easy, or so i've been told by the movies.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Is there a term?

You know when you see a female from behind who looks deliciously and eminently humpable, but then she turns around and your boner retracts into your body? What do we call that?

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Life Dot Null

to report knowledge of possible terrorist attacks, please contact dot com

for complaints about the Eugenics department, please contact

for complaints about your government, please contact

to volunteer for the Propoganda Dept., please contact



Be sure to write to your elected officials and let them know how mad you are that America doesn't have flying cars or antigravity yet!

Its almost 2010 and we haven't even found one monolith yet, so let's try and get our shit together here, people...

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Now these points of data make a beautiful line, and we’re out of beta, we’re releasing on time...

I just keep listening to that song, and it makes me feel good about life. Huge success. I'm still alive.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Week 4 Picks (Now with less actual discussion of football!)

As usual, home team in CAPS.

Lions (+10) over BEARS
Whenever going to the Zoo in Santa Barbara, I always feel compelled to go see the Lions right away. (Well, actually after checking out the Capybara, the world's largest rodent!) Anyway, I'm always disappointed by Lions, because in the movies and on TV they are so intimidating and ferocious, yet at the Zoo they are habitually sleeping. I wish it was more like Jurassic Park, where they fed the T-Rex live animals. That's what we need. Throw some baby seals in the cage. See what the Lion thinks of that.

The Bears are not that good. They really should've lost last week to the Seahawks. A couple of easy field goal misses by Olindo Mare (former Dolphin) was the difference. And the Seahawks aren't good either. I must remember to include a picture of the horrible uniforms they wore last week. It was an insult to the NFL.

Bengals (-6) over BROWNS
Only six points for the Browns? If the line was minus 14 I'd still go with the Bengals. The Browns are last in offense and second to last in defense. Shockingly, the Bengals don't seem to be a terrible football team this year and if it weren't for a miracle tipped pass on the last play of the game against the Broncos, they'd be 3-0. Derek Anderson is starting for the Browns at QB, apparently because the best way to win the starting job for the Browns is to come into the game and throw three interceptions in 2 quarters.

TEXANS (-9) over Raiders
I have a long-standing hatred of Texas. The state. I think I share that with many of my fellow Californians. It seems like they are the bizzaro, right-wing, fuck-your-own-sister, and give- retards-the-death-penalty-version of California. Plus, Texans have way too much state pride. "Everything's bigger in Texas." Mmm Hmm. Most Californians know that our state has a disproportionately large economic and social influnce, but I rarely hear people bragging about California. Yet, the state of Texas seems to have this misguided sense that their state is special in some way. It's especially ridiculous. The Raiders are terrible though. JaMarcus Russell is one of the worst QBs I've ever seen in the NFL. It's amazing how far off MOST of his throws are. His QB rating is close to my age, and that's not a good thing. You're QB rating should be closer to my Grandpa's age. If the Tom Cable has half of a brain, he'll run the ball constantly against one of the league's worst run defenses. But I have a feeling the Texans are going to score a bunch of points and then Russell will be forced to throw and everything will go south for the Raiders Nation.

Seahawks (+10.5) over COLTS
I know that I'm supposed to the like Seattle. I'm a liberal douche. I have an xbox. I have a PC. I even buy Starbucks energy drinks. But I feel like I'd be a poser if I said much about the town itself since I haven't been there since I was a little kid. I like the idea of Seattle. I don't know if I'd like the reality, especially since it's always raining, apparently. This is too many points. The Seahawks played the Bears really tough last week, and I don't think their biggest problems lie with their defense. The Colts should win this game, but I don't think they'll cover the spread.

Titans (-3) over JAGUARS
How in the hell are the Titans 0-3? They're defense is still solid, no one can stop Chris Johnson, and they won 13 games last year! Not to mention, they have a very powerful sounding name - THE TITANS. Come on, win a game. Jaguars always seemed like the kinda car only a really massive dillhole would own.

Giants (-9) over CHIEFS
Does anyone else ever look at Eli Manning and think that he looks just a little retarded? Nothing massive, but I could definitely see him walking around with a handler picking up trash. We can't rule out the possibility that he is a little off, but that his Dad and Brother have helped to make sure he slipped through the system unnoticed. He can throw the football fairly far with a fair amount of accuracy, so who cares if he's a retard? The Chiefs are literally retarded.

PATRIOTS(-1.5) over Ravens
Now look at this! We've got the Patriots at home, and they're not favored. As a Dolphins fan (we're in the same division) this is very encouraging to see. However, I know better. For a second, the Pats looked weak and vulnerable. Then a very good Falcons team got their ass handed to them at Foxborough. No, I think the Pats take this game.

REDSKINS (-7.5) over Bucs
Wow, this is a terrible match up. Let's not talk about it.

DOLPHINS (+1.5) over Bills
One of the great miracles of this season is the return of Jason Taylor to the Dolphins. He's one of my favorite Dolphins of all time, and his jersey is the only one that I own. So it's nice to have him back on the team. Doesn't Buffalo seem like one of the worst places in the world? The weather always ALWAYS looks horrible and all the fans look extra obese.

SAINTS (-7) over Jets
The Jets blitz. A lot. That's what they do. Basically, if you wanted to sum up their defensive philosophy this year, you could just say "BLITZ!" BLITZ! Drew Brees is not going to fall for that shit. This guy is a machine. I really want to go to New Orleans some day. I care about black people.

BRONCOS (+3) over Cowboys
Another team from Texas. Sigh. "America's Team" Fuck you, Jerry Jones. Seriously, fuck you and I hope you die and you die and you go to hell. Also, Tony Romo, I hope you get AIDScancer and die.

NINERS (-9.5) over Rams
I'm surrounded by Niners fans and every year they are confident the Niners are going to be an awesome 12-4 playoff team. This year, I think they're right. The NFC West is so terrible. They look solid and don't make a lot of mistakes. The main thing the Rams have going for them is Steven Jackson, but the Niners are the best team against the run so far this year. They did a good job containing Adrian Peterson last week, so I think the Niners win this one going away.

Chargers (+6.5) over STEELERS
Any time a) there's something I want to do that my wife doesn't want me to do or b) I don't want to do what my wife wants me to do, she's able to give me this look and says "o.k." in a way that rips my guts right out of my body. See, she doesn't need to say "no" to reject my request to do something else other than what she wants. It's just a look. To the outside observer, it would seem like she did nothing to get me to change my mind. This is a lot like the Steelers. At no point would anyone ever think they are actually a good football team. But yet, they are able to do something to the other team akin to what my wife is able to do to me. I don't understand it, but I guess that's because I'm a dude.

VIKINGS(-3.5) over Packers
This is the Monday Night game on ESPN, and I can't imagine that ESPN has ever had a bigger event on their channel ever. Brett Favre vs. the Packers! Football fans are fairly united in their belief that Favre is the biggest cornholer in the league, so most of us would love to see A.J. Hawk literally decapitate him. But it's not going to happen. Not in Minnesota anyway. It may be a different story later in the season when they meet in Green Bay, but with Peterson and that defense, Favre is not going to be the deciding factor in this game anyhow.
Last Week: 11-5
Season: 29-19

"7. rawdawg

53 up, 5 down

The origin of the term rawdawg goes way back to the good ole days of the late 90's from Ellijay, GA, the apple capital of Georgia and gateway to the Appalachian foothills of North Georgia. The very first use of the word started as a compliment so as to say to someone when greeting them, "What's up rawdawg?" or "Hey rawdawg, how's it hangin'?" This initial use transformed immediately when it turned to the year 2000.

As the clock struck midnight and the year 2000 started rawdawg all of a sudden meant a style of fornication which involves everything that normal fornication involves except for the condom. The condom is just left out of the equation alltogether. So, for instance, if you or someone you know is "rawdawgin' it" that means that person is pretty much "doin' her in the butt, no rubber." But, however, not necessarily in the butt. It could be the cooter and that's just fine.

Gay people do not count, so, therefore cannot rawdawg. This protects hederosexuals from being charged as homosextionals in that if I said "Hey Matt, me and Daniel are at the bar just rawdawgin' it right now, why don't you come over?" Since gay people cannot rawdawg, there is no way that I am fornucklating with Daniel, this sentence simply means we are just sitting at the bar having a grand time."