Friday, October 02, 2009

Week 4 Picks (Now with less actual discussion of football!)

As usual, home team in CAPS.

Lions (+10) over BEARS
Whenever going to the Zoo in Santa Barbara, I always feel compelled to go see the Lions right away. (Well, actually after checking out the Capybara, the world's largest rodent!) Anyway, I'm always disappointed by Lions, because in the movies and on TV they are so intimidating and ferocious, yet at the Zoo they are habitually sleeping. I wish it was more like Jurassic Park, where they fed the T-Rex live animals. That's what we need. Throw some baby seals in the cage. See what the Lion thinks of that.

The Bears are not that good. They really should've lost last week to the Seahawks. A couple of easy field goal misses by Olindo Mare (former Dolphin) was the difference. And the Seahawks aren't good either. I must remember to include a picture of the horrible uniforms they wore last week. It was an insult to the NFL.

Bengals (-6) over BROWNS
Only six points for the Browns? If the line was minus 14 I'd still go with the Bengals. The Browns are last in offense and second to last in defense. Shockingly, the Bengals don't seem to be a terrible football team this year and if it weren't for a miracle tipped pass on the last play of the game against the Broncos, they'd be 3-0. Derek Anderson is starting for the Browns at QB, apparently because the best way to win the starting job for the Browns is to come into the game and throw three interceptions in 2 quarters.

TEXANS (-9) over Raiders
I have a long-standing hatred of Texas. The state. I think I share that with many of my fellow Californians. It seems like they are the bizzaro, right-wing, fuck-your-own-sister, and give- retards-the-death-penalty-version of California. Plus, Texans have way too much state pride. "Everything's bigger in Texas." Mmm Hmm. Most Californians know that our state has a disproportionately large economic and social influnce, but I rarely hear people bragging about California. Yet, the state of Texas seems to have this misguided sense that their state is special in some way. It's especially ridiculous. The Raiders are terrible though. JaMarcus Russell is one of the worst QBs I've ever seen in the NFL. It's amazing how far off MOST of his throws are. His QB rating is close to my age, and that's not a good thing. You're QB rating should be closer to my Grandpa's age. If the Tom Cable has half of a brain, he'll run the ball constantly against one of the league's worst run defenses. But I have a feeling the Texans are going to score a bunch of points and then Russell will be forced to throw and everything will go south for the Raiders Nation.

Seahawks (+10.5) over COLTS
I know that I'm supposed to the like Seattle. I'm a liberal douche. I have an xbox. I have a PC. I even buy Starbucks energy drinks. But I feel like I'd be a poser if I said much about the town itself since I haven't been there since I was a little kid. I like the idea of Seattle. I don't know if I'd like the reality, especially since it's always raining, apparently. This is too many points. The Seahawks played the Bears really tough last week, and I don't think their biggest problems lie with their defense. The Colts should win this game, but I don't think they'll cover the spread.

Titans (-3) over JAGUARS
How in the hell are the Titans 0-3? They're defense is still solid, no one can stop Chris Johnson, and they won 13 games last year! Not to mention, they have a very powerful sounding name - THE TITANS. Come on, win a game. Jaguars always seemed like the kinda car only a really massive dillhole would own.

Giants (-9) over CHIEFS
Does anyone else ever look at Eli Manning and think that he looks just a little retarded? Nothing massive, but I could definitely see him walking around with a handler picking up trash. We can't rule out the possibility that he is a little off, but that his Dad and Brother have helped to make sure he slipped through the system unnoticed. He can throw the football fairly far with a fair amount of accuracy, so who cares if he's a retard? The Chiefs are literally retarded.

PATRIOTS(-1.5) over Ravens
Now look at this! We've got the Patriots at home, and they're not favored. As a Dolphins fan (we're in the same division) this is very encouraging to see. However, I know better. For a second, the Pats looked weak and vulnerable. Then a very good Falcons team got their ass handed to them at Foxborough. No, I think the Pats take this game.

REDSKINS (-7.5) over Bucs
Wow, this is a terrible match up. Let's not talk about it.

DOLPHINS (+1.5) over Bills
One of the great miracles of this season is the return of Jason Taylor to the Dolphins. He's one of my favorite Dolphins of all time, and his jersey is the only one that I own. So it's nice to have him back on the team. Doesn't Buffalo seem like one of the worst places in the world? The weather always ALWAYS looks horrible and all the fans look extra obese.

SAINTS (-7) over Jets
The Jets blitz. A lot. That's what they do. Basically, if you wanted to sum up their defensive philosophy this year, you could just say "BLITZ!" BLITZ! Drew Brees is not going to fall for that shit. This guy is a machine. I really want to go to New Orleans some day. I care about black people.

BRONCOS (+3) over Cowboys
Another team from Texas. Sigh. "America's Team" Fuck you, Jerry Jones. Seriously, fuck you and I hope you die and you die and you go to hell. Also, Tony Romo, I hope you get AIDScancer and die.

NINERS (-9.5) over Rams
I'm surrounded by Niners fans and every year they are confident the Niners are going to be an awesome 12-4 playoff team. This year, I think they're right. The NFC West is so terrible. They look solid and don't make a lot of mistakes. The main thing the Rams have going for them is Steven Jackson, but the Niners are the best team against the run so far this year. They did a good job containing Adrian Peterson last week, so I think the Niners win this one going away.

Chargers (+6.5) over STEELERS
Any time a) there's something I want to do that my wife doesn't want me to do or b) I don't want to do what my wife wants me to do, she's able to give me this look and says "o.k." in a way that rips my guts right out of my body. See, she doesn't need to say "no" to reject my request to do something else other than what she wants. It's just a look. To the outside observer, it would seem like she did nothing to get me to change my mind. This is a lot like the Steelers. At no point would anyone ever think they are actually a good football team. But yet, they are able to do something to the other team akin to what my wife is able to do to me. I don't understand it, but I guess that's because I'm a dude.

VIKINGS(-3.5) over Packers
This is the Monday Night game on ESPN, and I can't imagine that ESPN has ever had a bigger event on their channel ever. Brett Favre vs. the Packers! Football fans are fairly united in their belief that Favre is the biggest cornholer in the league, so most of us would love to see A.J. Hawk literally decapitate him. But it's not going to happen. Not in Minnesota anyway. It may be a different story later in the season when they meet in Green Bay, but with Peterson and that defense, Favre is not going to be the deciding factor in this game anyhow.
Last Week: 11-5
Season: 29-19


  1. Holy fucking shit, my sides are splitting open and there is a new universe of animals who subsist on the flesh of my split sides. A new ecosystem.

    Tell them to stay away from my stuff!

    Josh is funny. What I want to know is, did you mean to refer to him as “THE Tom Cable”, or was that a typo? Either way, it’s the cleanest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.

    I like my friends, because they help me to hate life less… now if I can just get a hold of Kevin for some guitar…ery.. guitarery. But seriously, Josh, you are funny. Amuse me, damnit! Dot net!

  2. Jamarcus @ Suck Dot Net

    Colts @ BigFantasyPoints Dot Net

    Ravens @ Slippery-Hands Dot Net

    Romo @ Homo Dot Net

    Farve @ JustForMen Dot Net

  3. I did terribly this week! Never listen to me! I guess not discussing the actual games was a bad idea.

  4. Oh, and he is THE Tom Cable.