Sunday, August 30, 2009

Friday, August 28, 2009

Epiphany

Today, I saw the name Dickinson printed out, and I finally realized how amazing that name is if you break it down into its components.

Just think for a moment about what a character named Larry Dick-In-Son might do in his spare time.

Horatio Dickindaughter... yeah.

Jon Lajoie has been promoted to Small God.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

NFL Final Fantasy Futbol - Cleansman Style

We should make our own Fantasy Football league, except with this new and improved point system. You can just pick any 10 players you want, overlaps are OK. We'll tally the points at the end of the season.

Shooting yourself or getting shot: 10 points
Shooting someone else: 20 points
Running somebody over: 25 points

Changing your legal name: 15 points

Convicted of a misdemeanor: 5 points
Convicted of a felony: 10 points
Served prison time: 1 point for every week

Getting compared to T.O. by the press: 15 points
Getting traded more than 3 times in a season: 20 points

Retiring and unretiring: 25 points
Boning Jessica Simpson: 30 points

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Best Seat on the Slave Ship

Sometimes I feel like I am Captain of a shitty spaceship, the S.S. Cubicle, and right now we are hurtling towards oblivion at breakneck speeds.

I need to jump ship, but need to time my jump with the passing by of a bigger, cleaner ship, which might be headed in a different direction.

Ultimately, we are all on the same ship heading towards the edge of the universe. I happen to have a great seat in terms of watching the whole thing go down, but its still not that satisfying.

I guess that's the nature of life though: if we were satisfied all the time we wouldn't try any harder to improve our lives. Damn 3 billion years of genetic programming, I want to just continue enjoying screwing around.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The 2012 Preparedness Pack, on sale now

Not a bad idea for an internet business... But what would go in the kit?

For $99.99,

-2 liters of purified mineral water
-2 cans of Spam
-flashlight
-AM radio
-hardhat
-Bible, cross and Star of David
-roll of toilet paper

The supplies you need to survive the impending doomsday. Did I miss anything?


no, not that Doomsday

Monday, August 17, 2009

God Hates Gayblers

... which is a nifty contraction for "Gay Enabler."

That apparently includes entire nations (I almost couldn't believe this website was real! I am disappointed that I can't access the "God Hates the World" music video at work.)

This website has a great writeup on Fred Phelps (not Mike Phelps' dad), who would be a much less-funny guy if he wasn't such a loco-ass hardcore Christian esse.

In addition to doing a splendid job of information delivery via humor and poignancy, the website suggests several fun ways to troll the Westboro Baptist Church website and their assortment of hi-brow offshoot websites, including how to send them Mormon missionaries!

---

"In a word, WBC's gospel message from the mouth of The Lord, is God Hates Fags. That's a profound theological statement, that America and the world needs. More than they need food to eat, water to drink, and air to breathe."

-Rev. Fred Phelps

If only I had a dollar for every second...

I turned 1 Billion seconds old at approximately 4:09.40 am this morning (Pacific Time of course). Now if only I could covert those seconds to megatons and then release my fury upon the earth...

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Ballad of GI Joe



Special guest appearance by Henry Rollins as "Duke."

The Unreasonable Demands of Healthcare Demonstrators


Finally, a protest sign I can get behind.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Jonny "Large Strings" Greenwood and Thomas "St. Pierre" York

New Radiohead Heat

Also, the best video game review ever

...which reminds me...

...which begs the question, why are advertisements and commercials for presciption drugs legal, while pot isn't? How is this not the biggest "WTF" of modern times??

I wonder how many of those thousands were told they needed the drug by a doctor for a condition they didn't actually have, but the doctor wanted the patient as a regular client so they got them hooked on some shit that ended up killing them, all the while collecting money for office visits and other "services."

One other thing -- I don't know how your guys' cable TV is, but do you notice that all commercials are now louder than the actual television program, and some commercials are louder than others? Like, way, WAY louder than others?

I think you can now pay the TV networks extra to have your commercial blasted extra loud so it will be implanted in the brain of your target audience all the harder.

I used to be anti-conspiracy theory, but now its kind of easy to see that the system really is trying to steal your brain on some level. Or at least your ability for independent thought.

That's why you need to keep your mind limber by forcing it to comprehend strange audio as often as possible.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Dumbshit questions about Obama's Health Care Plan

So, I've been reading many articles about the fight over the HC plan, but I'm still unclear on many basic points! I wanted to spit these questions at my more intelligent and informed counterparts for some clarity.

1) Would Obama's health care plan make government healthcare compulsory for all citizens?
2) Will private health care still exist?
3) Will we be allowed to pay for a procedure if we have the money?
4) Will employers be required to provide insurance for their workers or will they be able to pass them over to this new health care system?

5) Could this cause an increase in the quality and value of private health care because they would be competing with government health care? Or will the opposite occur - will health care become increasingly expensive and decreasingly effective because of the massive influx of new patients on the government health care plan?

6) Do we have the money to spend on a program like that right now? I mean, I'd love to see everyone in America with health care, but from a pragmatic standpoint, doesn't it make more sense to tackle a massive problem like this after the recession is over? Or will people be more productive because more people will have access to health care?

Some guy said this on his official looking blog:
Quote:
Most consequential of all, even if limitations were put on certain tests and procedures, the only people who would be affected by it would be the people who, presumably, are the ones meant to be rescued by the very plan that would be imposing those limitations. The financially strapped, in other words, who are the intended beneficiaries of the health care plan would be the only people forbidden access to expensive life-extending technology. The rich will always be able to afford it.

I have some questions about this shit too:

1) Isn't this already true? If we're talking about a person insured under Obama's health care plan, aren't we talking about someone who wouldn't have health insurance at all otherwise? And isn't the fact that these people would be insured in the first place be an improvement over our current conditions?

2) In the aforementioned scenario about dire prognosis and experimental procedures, don't private insure companies make the exact same sort of decisions?

These are all real questions I have, and though I know they sound dumb, I'm having a difficult time finding unbiased answers. I would appreciate any feedback.

I Heart Animated Gifs

Monday, August 10, 2009

CATS!

Hurricane Felatia: A Whirlwhind of Cocksmoking


Its now just a tropical storm of cocksmoking. I'm kind of bummed.


Friday, August 07, 2009

Dowlst Chetszt

I want to drink beers, ski, lift big, work chops, play video games, watch movies and stay fresh all weekend long.

Unfortunately, a huge chunk of gay known as "the work" is coming toward my face and 500 miles per faghole.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Awesome dream from 2006...

I was going to meet some girls downtown for drinks, but they were really late.
I was recording music with Kevin and Cy in my room at my parent's house.
I was playing volleyball. We were at game point, but the ball was leaky. Tried to use gum to plug it but didn't work.
We won the game.
Suddenly the earth started to split apart and a large shelf of land started to emerge from the trees and come toward us.
I was with Erick, and we started to run.
Mom and Dad were somewhere else and I started screaming about how we had to go get them. Erick just left and I went back to find them.
There was mass panic.
Everyone was running in all directions, trying to find people, trying to flee.
I found mom and dad fairly quickly and we started to run away.
We were trying to get to our car so that we could escape.
We made it to the parking garage but it was flooded with water.
This approaching menace had changed forms from a solid mass into an approaching flood.
We were forced to abandon the car and continue on foot.
We ran up some stairs onto some kind of athletic field.
A woman sat motionless on the bleachers.
At first we tried to help her, but as we got closer we noticed there was something wrong with her.
Her face was all swoll up and mutated, just like the twilight zone episode where the people have to wear the masks to get the inheritance.
There were puddles of water everywhere.
We left the woman and continued, but were soon approached by more mutants.
It had become obvious that people were being transformed by the water somehow.
These creatures were somewhat like zombies.
They came after us, but we were able to fight off the first wave.
Somehow I got a pistol and used it to kill several of them by shooting them in the head.
I got separated from my parents by some distance while fighting, then heard them wailing in the distance.
As I approached, I noticed to my horror that their faces had begun to change.
However, they were still mentally themselves.
I asked if my face was changing, and they said it was not yet.
We all decided that we would have to kill each other.
I would kill them first then myself.
I did just that.

The man and his module...