Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Bas makes cave in the chest.

"Life is like crawling through a garden of lavender and roses with a knife in your mouth, while the blood trickles down your face and you are slightly aroused." - Bas Rutten, "The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy," season II

Man Who Enjoys Thing Informed He Is Wrong

January 25, 2010

LOS ANGELES—George Himmelsbaugh, 32, was informed Tuesday that he was incorrect in enjoying a thing he had been deriving pleasure from for many years. Authorities in the field informed Himmelsbaugh that, although he believes his appreciation of the thing to be a matter of subjective personal taste, any positive feelings or satisfaction taken from this are by definition erroneous. Furthermore, sources reported, Himmelsbaugh does not in fact enjoy the thing, but has merely been convinced that he does by the influence of others who also claim to enjoy the thing but who must be insane or developmentally disabled if they actually do. Himmelsbaugh has responded to the information by endeavoring to enjoy the correct things in the future.


Monday, January 25, 2010

Custom Classes

These are the names of my five custom character classes in Modern Warfare II:

1.) Hits-Ha-Wits
2.) Clean Eddie
3.) Packed Damage
4.) Snipenheimer Smith
5.) Fast & Faggy

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I have a hot hand...

...probably because I was working the grip master at work. Then i came home and did some left hand blasters. Two hours later my hand still glows warmly. No pain or discomfort though. Ace.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Its one of the best philias around.

Thom plays some of his favorite tracks at the moment (Radiohead-esque electro, dubstep, Can and a piano cover of Everything in its Right Place).

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Many methods exist for ranking a set of items in order of importance. The question is, how can one select the best of these ranking systems? How does one rank the ranking systems if one doesn't already have a good ranking system?

Friday, January 15, 2010

An Average Day at the Job, Scene I

(the scene is set somewhere near the center of a dimly-lit labyrinth of cubicles, which all look the same, are of the same height and contain the same furnishings. Cyrus is quietly working on his blog in his cubicle when the Bossman stops by for a chat.)

Bossman: "Hey Cyrus, look what I got over here! Look what I got for ya, you're really gonna enjoy this. What does this look like to you?"

Cyrus: "It looks like a piece of crap."

Bossman: "No, no, no. It doesn't really look like a crap. Its just your negative projection that is making it appear as a piece of crap to you."

Cyrus: "Okay, I'm just telling you. You asked me what it looked like to me and I told you."

Bossman: "Well, its not a piece of crap at all. As a matter of fact, its actually a Red Rose! You really have to get up close and see it in person to appreciate it. Here... have a closer look. What does that smell like to you?"

Cyrus: "Man, that smells like dogshit! Did you just put a piece of dog crap under my nose and tell me to sniff it?!"

Bossman: "No! Its not dog crap Cyrus, its a Rose. You're just being negative and insubordinate. Now put this in your mouth and swallow it or else."

Cyrus: "Okay... Damn, I need to spend more time working on audio."

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Matt Lydon defends The Legend of Zelda II

This was too good not to be reposted here. Note: The Weaksause Podcaster in question is Cameron Mount.

Sequels are shit. We all know this. There is only a small handful that are any good, be they movies, books, videogames or whatever. There's one sequel in particular, though, that's great. I'm talking about Zelda II: The Adventures of Link. You heard me. This game rocks. Apparently, though, not everyone shares this opinion, but before you go making up your mind, consider this: in a recent study conducted by researchers at Harvard University, they found a direct correlation between disliking Zelda II and a belief that the earth is flat. Now of course we all know that's ridiculous. The world is clearly round, otherwise where would all those gray aliens who live at the center of the earth reside? I mean, a flat earth just makes no sense. This isn't Dark City, I know how to get to shell beach. But I digress.

The point is this:
People who don't like Zelda II think the earth is flat
People who think the earth is flat are morons
Therefore, people who don't like Zelda II are morons QED.

Try to assail that unassailable logic. That's right, you can't, and that’s why it's unassailable (QED again). But enough with the logics, just why is Zelda II a great game? Do I even need to explain? You've played this game, right? So then you already know why it's great. Just in case you've forgotten, let me count some of the ways.
For starters, it was radically different than the original Zelda. Going with the over world style, with side-scrolling action, was a significant departure from the original. Now just because something is different doesn't make it good, but in this case it does. I mean really, what did everyone want? The Triforce of Wisdom to be broken into eight pieces and hidden in eight different dungeons again? Oh wait, they already did that, it's called the second quest in the original Zelda (you know, in case you wanted to play the same game over again, just slightly tweaked). So for all of you who just want more of the same, play the original again, beat it,
then get your more-of-the-same on. Leave Zelda II for those of us who like a little variety, like Tiger Woods.

Seriously, though, the changes made for this sequel were awesome. For starters, the whole battle element was greatly improved. Rather than just stab-stab-stab, you could actually use different sword techniques, like the up thrust or down thrust. If you seriously can't enjoy down thrusting into an enemy's head you've got serious problems. Seriously.

In addition to new swordplay, Link could now also jump. That's awesome, right, a jumping Link? Of course it is. Not only that, but Zelda II also introduced magic to the series. There are few things more badass than a jumping, sword thrusting, magic-wielding Link. On top of the above, another great improvement was the expansion of Hyrule. There were now multiple towns to visit, each with their own inhabitants, some of whom were helpful and some of whom who were just jerks. Either way, the land of Hyrule was now bigger, with more places to go and more people to meet. As if any of this wasn't enough, how about the enemies? Zelda II introduced a whole horde of new enemies to fight, ranging from the pathetically easy (slime balls or whatever the fuck they are) to the really annoying, like the orange knight in armor (until you meet the red knight, then you're like “Fuck, that orange knight isn't so bad, I wish I was fighting him instead, that is until you meet the blue knight and his magical blades he can throw at you, then you're like fuck, that red knight's not so bad...). And how about those bipedal lizard guys with the clubs? Fuck those guys, I hated fighting them. But they were still awesome though. Then there are the bird knights, the weird walking alligators with the axe, giant jumping spiders that shoot energy balls out of their eyes, giant flying eyeballs, skeleton knights, giant scorpions, and weird statue-like bird things that spit out fire. I know, it totally sounds like my last acid trip. All those enemies, plus a whole lot more (including the always popular Octoroks) equals awesome, period.

Oh, and let's not forget the bosses. There were some awesome bosses in this game, particularly the jousting knight on the horse. That's where the jumping down thrust technique really earns its keep.

How about Jesus?. That's right, Jesus. He makes this game awesome, as he makes so many things awesome, but in particular I'm referring to Link's impression of Jesus as he walks carefree across the waters. I mean, come on, Link walks on friggin water in this game. I don't need to tell you what that equals, do I?

Since I'm now growing bored of writing this rambling essay, let me point out a few quick items before closing with the most important point:
A town hidden in a forest? Awesome.
Some crazy old guy hiding out in a forest? Awesome.
An island maze? Awesome.
An invisible palace? Awesome.

Now let's talk about what's really going on when people claim they don't like Zelda II. It's simple. Zelda II is hard. Zelda II is much, much, harder than any other Zelda game I've ever played. It's got to be one of the hardest NES games, and the simple fact is, people don't like things that are are hard, particularly if those people are American. I recall, once upon a time, a certain podcaster and his dorm mates were feverishly trying to beat Zelda II, with no luck. So naturally when I came down for a visit, I showed them how it was done. Now that same podcaster is badmouthing Zelda II? I think we all know why that is.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Dear Lord,

Save me from the Monday that is fast approaching on me and mine.


Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Tuesday, January 05, 2010