Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Important things I've learned from 32 years on this planet

1. It is imperative that you keep your asshole clean.

2. What you're shitting out isn't what you ate in your last meal but rather the meal(s) before it.

3. Taste be damned: fiber, fruits and vegetables are your friends.

4. A saltwater bath can becalm a fiery asshole or any singed area of anatomy.

5. Trans-fat substitutes are not food and should be avoided, but this already happens in the digestive cycle.

6. Garlic is not only a tasty ingredient but good for your colon and general ass health.

7. Regularity, robustness and roundness -- the real 3 R's for success.

8. A meal filled with grease and alcohol can be offset by a dessert of cheese and milk.

9. Nobody could actually produce a 6-Couric shit and survive.

10. Wash your asshole, with soap and water!

*results tested in a laboratory setting, individual results may differ

1 comment:

  1. Happy belated birthday. Sounds like you'll be marching confidently into your 32nd year with a clean cornhole.