Monday, December 20, 2010

Weekly Obituaries

Geary Unlearned, renowned humanitarian and author of the New York Times best seller, "Why People Are Stupid Pieces of Shit and So Are You," passed away in his sleep last night. He was 13.

Thousands of friends, family and well-wishers gathered around his Philadelphia estate where his body was on display - one hand outstretched to display his middle finger and the other firmly clenching his balls - as according to his last wishes.

Geary leaves behind 8 children, 4 grand-children and 2 great-grand-children, all of which are named Geary, and not actually his children but rather clones of himself.


  1. Also passed this week:

    Gandalf the White—a beloved wizard, renowned conjurer and all around magical mammal was laid to rest Friday. His fondness for the Halflings' Leaf was well known and it appears that he ultimately blazed his way to his own demise. In addition to his lung rot, ‘The Dalf’ is also believed to have been riddled with VD due to his raw dog rampage across middle earth, during which he buggered all manner of Shirefolk, orcs, trolls, ents, and other assorted what-have-yous. Thought to be immortal by some, it is now conclusively known that white wizards can get laced and owned. Gandalf is survived by his one man-child, Mandalf—a simpleton whom Gandalf conjured by grinding the teeth of a man and combining that with the liquefied pineal gland of a Balrog.

  2. Coincidentally, Thursday marks the 10-year anniversary of "The Battle for B," in which 210 American soldiers and 455 Iraqi soldiers died in a 10-minute span of furious combat, all for a small patch of land which contained a flag with the letter "B" on it.

  3. These are funny things, mirthful and valued by mirthful folk.