Thursday, July 29, 2010

KHAN!!!

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Stock Term of the Day: Short-Sellers


vs.



Short-sellers: those who reverse-sell stocks in hopes the price will go down (by borrowing them from a broker to sell now, and pay for later), and who frequently promote economic downfall in order to better their "short positions." Short-sellers have been frowned upon by general trader society for centuries and are regarded as a miserable and cursed lot, hence the widely-used pejorative terms, "coming up short," "he's short," and "fuck short people."

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Don't forget to watch your Madmens

Harry Seaward, moon colonizer and space traveler extraordinaire.

 
Andromeda Massgain, telepathy expert, ball massager.
Larry Madmens, guru and prophet. This is his show.
The Wonder Trio, guess which one is gay.


No, but really, its a clean show and hard to be disliked if you are a white American male over the age of 20.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Huey Lewis & The Jews

When I was a young lad, I had a circulation of three different primary records which I listened to on 45 vinyl over and over...

1.) Ghost Busters theme song - Ray Parker Jr.
2.) Thriller - MJ
3.) Heart of Rock & Roll - Huey Lewis & The News

All of these songs kick ass in their own way, but tonight I'm really enamored by the quality of Huey Lewis. I want to write a parody entitled "Hip To Hurt Bears" which will be way more interesting than "Hip To Be Square".

Listening to Heart of Rock 'n' Roll makes me want to put on my Superman cape and dance around the room.

Monday, July 19, 2010

This is so massy

Cody, tell me this doesn't seem plausible.

Just read this humorous explanation of how they decided to end LOST. Unfortunately, I feel like it's pretty close to the truth.

"This is how the whole thing seemed to pan out to me:

SCENE: PRODUCER'S OFFICE

"I'd like to discuss my ideas for this show Lost - remember, the one about the plane crash that is due to start filming next week, but we haven't written a sinlge fucking word for yet? Well, how about it features a totally mismatched cast of characters who end up on this island after the plane crash and, I dunno, they kind of discover each other, but most importantly discover THEMSELVES. Each week, some really crazy shit happens to them, but we don't let the audience know that we don't know what is going on. That'll be the hook, it'll play out like a mystery that builds with each episode... until at the end we reveal th-."

"That they all actually died in the plane crash and are kind of in purgatory-like state?"

"WTF? How did you guess?"

"Actually, sir, half the internet community had already guessed that after they heard we had optioned a show called 'Lost' about a group of plane crash survivors on an island..."

"Shit. What are we going to do now? That was the one fucking single idea we had so far."

"Well, sir, if the internet community think they are so smart, maybe we can let them write the script."

"What do you mean?"

"We'll introduce the main characters in the first episode, then have them experience a load of extremely vague, mysterious bullshit... then by the end of the second episode everybody will be coming up with crazy theories to try to explain the pile of crap they just witnessed - that's how the internet works. All we have to do is check back each week, see what the bloggers have come up with, and base our script around that, being sure to throw them plenty of curve balls along the way. Shoot it as we go along."

"Excellent. Benson, you are a genius. But what about our ending?"

"Ah - well, if you can't go with the original idea, let's do the exact opposite. Get this - they are alive while they are on the island, not dead, but right up until the end they'll keep 'flashing sideways' to 'real ife', and that is actually the purgatory-like state."

"Hurrah - that makes perfect sense!"

Saturday, July 17, 2010

DP #4



Name: Jorel Washington Jr.
Aliases: JuJuBee
Age: 63
Sex: M

Details:

Jorel Washington Jr. is a traditional rapist in every sense. Coming from a distinguished pedigree of forced-sex enthusiasts, this raping man's rapist has a keen sense of smell combined with highly attuned night vision--key genetic adaptations which enable JuJuBee to zero in on potential targets.

Once locked on, JuJuBee makes a thorough assessment of the rape-ability of his target. It is theorized that some of the key factors may be:

1.) Quantity and quality of junk in trunk.
2.) Tigness of bitties.
3.) Length and grabability of hair.

It's also suspected that Washington can detect the slightest limp or unsteadiness of gait. This allows him to conserve precious energy by on only pursuing slower and easier prey. JuJuBee tends to loiter outside of clubs, Twilight movie premieres, and any other locations where slutes gather.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Deviant Profile #3


Name: Dick Gears
Age: 60
Sex: M

Perversion Details:

It has been suspected for decades that famous celebrity Mr. Gears enjoys from time-to-time a little known pleasure that could quite possibly be categorized as a form of animal cruelty. That's not the way the animals feel about it, claim Mr. Gears and other like-minded deviation enthusiasts. Mr. Gears vehemently denies the rumors and adds that the public has got it all wrong: he likes to enter the cavities of rodents, and not vice-versa. This is made possible through Mr. Gears' owning of a surreally-sized micropenis which can only be comprehended when seen.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Deviant Profile #2



Name: Dr. Charles Holpert
Age: 53
Sex: M

Perversion Details:

Charles Holpert stalks and abuses females who feel as though they are gay men trapped inside women’s bodies. Holpert desires the gaiety and robustness of man-on-man physical coupling, yet he abhors the male physical form. Holpert has been quoted as saying that “…there’s nothing quite so alluring and intoxicating as a snizz which yearns to be a man-craving johnson. I can see through to the inner cock.” The abuse usually consists of asphyxiation by root beer float combined with a slow and steady buggering of a random orifice. Holpert prides himself on achieving quality randomness via his own personal quantum uncertainty box.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Friday, July 09, 2010

So, uh...

... you guys seen the show Human Giant? It was on MTV for 2 years, and is full of win. I know that's somewhat contradictory, but here you go:

Monday, July 05, 2010

Deviant Profile #1



Name: Gregor Klumschko
Age: 41
Sex: M

Perversion Details:

Mr. Klumshcko is a truly unique specimen who achieves satisfaction only through direct hand-on-genital contact with deceased, prepubescent duck-billed platypodes of the male gender. It is also preferred that at least one ancillary platypus be insert anally, and that this creature, also dead, come from the same litter as the primary platypus.

Editor's Note:

While not so high-profile as celebrity cases e.g. the Ed Harris-Lamprey connection of 1998, Klumshcko nevertheless warrants the attention of project Overlord. Such a rare hybridization of necrophilia, pedophilia, bestiality and homosexuality makes Klumschko an ideal subject for closer study via predator drone surveillance. Use of hellfire missiles may be authorized to erase this abomination from the face of God's green earth.

Thursday, July 01, 2010