Saturday, January 08, 2011

the Kalakaua Ave. freakshow

So, Kalakaua is the main strip in Waikiki, and at night, more and more "street artists" have been coming out of holes to take up valuable sidewalk space and perform near-senseless acts of histriony. Some of the "better" ones have crowds that form around them, causing all the foot traffic to funnel through a narrow area that sometimes comes to a standstill, making me want to punch somebody in the face.

But I don't blame the tourists, really, who have come to relax and get dumb basically. I blame that fuckin' silver robot guy (not that a crowd ever forms around him for long) - but you know, the guy painted head to toe in silver who remains motionless unless you "activate" him by giving him money. First of all, why should anyone give you money for that, and second of all, what the fuck does being silver have to do with Hawaii?!

So here is a list of all the various street performer types that clog Kalakaua on a given weeknight, and their respective, deserved punishments that I'd like to administer:

Homemade Pottery Guy: punch in the face.

Steel Drum Guy: punch in the face.

Breakdancer Guy: punch in the face.

I-Got-4-Parrots-You-Can-Wear-For-Your-Hawaii-Picture Guy: punch in the face, then punch his parrots in the face.

20's-something Magician Guy: punch in the face.

Saxophone Guy: punch in the face.

Basket-weaver and Bracelet-maker: slaps to the face (its not nice to punch chicks).

Peruvian Flute Guy: punch in the face.

Little Singing Girl: an overpoweringly loud "You suck!" during the beginning of each performance.

I'm-Made-Of-Newspapers Guy: punch in the face.

Cartoon Portait Guy: graffiti over showcase, then punch to the face.

Keyboard Coverband Guy: he can stay if he punches himself in the face really, really hard.

Henna Tattoo Guy/Gal: the word "Suck" tattooed to their foreheads, punch/slap to the face.

MC w/ Homemade Beats Guy: punch to the face, confiscation & destruction of any CDRs.

Silver Robot Guy: mock punch to the face, then say, "made you flinch." I don't want to get paint on my hands.

Gold Robot Guy: see Silver Robot Guy.

Angry Black Megaphone Preacher Guy: leave that guy alone.

Really this just came about when I thought how it would be funny to walk around punching street performers in the face, and how I wanted to conceptualize it in a Cleansmanship post.


  1. why does the crazy black guy get away? You gotta be an equal oppertunity enforcer. hes prolly preaching bout yur damnation.

  2. he creates healthy chunks of sidewalk space