Tuesday, May 24, 2011

alternative investment vehicles

I thought I'd let you guys know about some recently-implemented money-making devices which have recently been introduced to the markets. They are a new class of ETFs (exchange-traded funds, meaning they represent a basket of stocks or commodities, or a singular commodity) which trade on the valuation of metaphysical ideals rather than physical or earthly materials. Here's a list, they all trade on the NYSE:

Arnold (ticker PUMP) - this fund seeks to return capital on investment via performance of the Schwartzenegger family-name, its prowess and strength of legacy, chiefly through investing in California municipal bonds, weightlifting stocks, and large quantities of Arnold DVDs.

Squalor (ticker SQLR) - this fund corresponds to the inverse of the World Happiness Index, which is calculated by the WHO (Worldwide Hippie Organization). The fund hopes to limit expense fees to the amount of rocks it takes Charlie Sheen to calculate the inverse of the idex on a daily basis. The price is reset at the beginning of each market day, with an error margin of +/- 1,000%.

The Force (ticker LUKE) - this fund corresponds to the Junior Jedi Flow Index (JJFI) which is a daily calculation of the amount of times the word "Jedi" appears on all message boards or blogs across the internet. The price change is determined by current internet Jedi-ness minus its 30-day moving average.

The Force 2x bull (ticker YODA) - this fund seeks leveraged returns of 200% on the JJFI which is achieved through a combination of FRCE and Jedi Flow futures trading.

The Force 2x bear (ticker VADR) - this fund seeks leveraged returns of 200% of the inverse of the JJFI, which is achieved through a combination of Force shorting and Schwartz longing.

Armageddon (ticker FUCK) - this fund corresponds to the short-term likelihood of a doomsday event occurring on planet earth, as calculated on a daily basis by Religionology professor Jim Shitz at Tards University in Middlesborg, Maine. In order to maintain the accuracy and integrity of the calculation, Dr. Shitz is held in a basement on campus grounds where he is prevented from access to the outside world and forced to read ancient religious texts by candlelight.

The God Fund (ticker GOD) - this fund corresponds to God, and always goes up in value by an infinite amount, every day of the week with the exception of Sundays. You may have to contact your broker directly to place an order as there is limited share float available, with the Pope and Goldman Sachs owning a majority stake of shares.

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