Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Weekly Obituaries

Fred Durst, of the comedy music duo Limp Bizkit, died in his sleep at home last Sunday, when a large spacecraft unexpectedly plowed into his Beverly Hills Adjacent condominium. It was later established that the accident was the result of a hyperdrive miscalculation by the pilot of the craft, one Lando Calrissian, who mistakenly forgot to take into account Earth when planning his rout from a galaxy far, far away, to Calvin's Jeri Curl Outlet in Mos Eislies Spaceport. Mr. Calrissian, who had a prior warrant for a similar incident, tried to flee the scene but was later caught and arrested.

For bereavement enthusiasts and well-wishers, the Durst family is accepting cans of tuna and and dog biscuits as a donation to starving cats in Afghanistan, as was specified in Freddy's silly will.