Thursday, May 26, 2011

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

alternative investment vehicles

I thought I'd let you guys know about some recently-implemented money-making devices which have recently been introduced to the markets. They are a new class of ETFs (exchange-traded funds, meaning they represent a basket of stocks or commodities, or a singular commodity) which trade on the valuation of metaphysical ideals rather than physical or earthly materials. Here's a list, they all trade on the NYSE:

Arnold (ticker PUMP) - this fund seeks to return capital on investment via performance of the Schwartzenegger family-name, its prowess and strength of legacy, chiefly through investing in California municipal bonds, weightlifting stocks, and large quantities of Arnold DVDs.

Squalor (ticker SQLR) - this fund corresponds to the inverse of the World Happiness Index, which is calculated by the WHO (Worldwide Hippie Organization). The fund hopes to limit expense fees to the amount of rocks it takes Charlie Sheen to calculate the inverse of the idex on a daily basis. The price is reset at the beginning of each market day, with an error margin of +/- 1,000%.

The Force (ticker LUKE) - this fund corresponds to the Junior Jedi Flow Index (JJFI) which is a daily calculation of the amount of times the word "Jedi" appears on all message boards or blogs across the internet. The price change is determined by current internet Jedi-ness minus its 30-day moving average.

The Force 2x bull (ticker YODA) - this fund seeks leveraged returns of 200% on the JJFI which is achieved through a combination of FRCE and Jedi Flow futures trading.

The Force 2x bear (ticker VADR) - this fund seeks leveraged returns of 200% of the inverse of the JJFI, which is achieved through a combination of Force shorting and Schwartz longing.

Armageddon (ticker FUCK) - this fund corresponds to the short-term likelihood of a doomsday event occurring on planet earth, as calculated on a daily basis by Religionology professor Jim Shitz at Tards University in Middlesborg, Maine. In order to maintain the accuracy and integrity of the calculation, Dr. Shitz is held in a basement on campus grounds where he is prevented from access to the outside world and forced to read ancient religious texts by candlelight.

The God Fund (ticker GOD) - this fund corresponds to God, and always goes up in value by an infinite amount, every day of the week with the exception of Sundays. You may have to contact your broker directly to place an order as there is limited share float available, with the Pope and Goldman Sachs owning a majority stake of shares.

Monday, May 23, 2011

No!




We need to enshrine this man's failure as a reminder to future humanity.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

I can frown and smile at the same time





#RaptureFail #HaroldCamping



I don't even understand why people attempt to predict biblical shit on exact days. As a species, we can be kind of sloppy sometimes, so odds are that sometime in the last 2000 years, we subtracted or added a day or month or year here or there. There's another sweet news story out there about how some years between 400 and 1400 might be missing, but I can't find it with mah Googles.

Clear evidence that we have a while to go in terms of upgrading our average intelligence is the fact that this shit makes the major news headlines. If only we were more educated as a society... C'mon Josh, you should get on that.

I know, believing shit that's not true is one of the greatest human pastimes, and we all do it in some form or another, at some point. I still like science though, its a pretty tight belief system.



PRAISE SCIENCE! I will crush the unbelievers like an oyester on mah tummah.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Happy birthday, J-Dog!

Have you bought the new Foo yet?

Friday, May 06, 2011

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Oblivion

I'm fully immersed in the land of Cyrodil once again. It's the only thing keeping me happy as the Lakers are flailing. I just learned that a shield enchantment doesn't impact spell casting effectiveness. Normally, as the player wears more powerful armor, his spell effectiveness is diminished, but the shield enchantment doesn't have this downside. Therefore, a very robust mage character can be made by having light armor which is fully souped up with shield enchantments. I now have the maximum allowed armor rating while maintaining 95% spell casting ability. Oh yeah!

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

acapella dubstep



Reggie Watts is pretty famous already for his loop-driven, acapella performances, in which he creates entire tracks in real-time with only his voice and sampler. Some of them are really good. I like how he's gotten skillful with his effect-incorporations. Pretty novel stuff.

Also, here's a more professionally-recorded piece so you can get a better grasp of... I don't know how to finish this sentence:

Monday, May 02, 2011