Saturday, December 27, 2014

Beardsmanship

Once again I must end my beard.  It hath grown into too great a mass.  It has outworn its welcome.  I celebrate and lament its passing in unequal measure.  Here are some words about that.

1)  Damn thing is itchy.  I'm past the phase of maximum itch, yet still it annoys, esp. near the nose area.  There is probably some special anti-itch beard conditioning product known only to the elite and their barbers, but I will have to suffer without (it).

2)  Beards are a way to selectively attract females.  If you're looking to impress investment banker loving gold diggers, you need to keep it clean.  But the soulful ladies who appreciate interesting media dig the beards. 

3)  Its winter and my face needs warmth.  Tens of thousands of years ago my beard would be invaluable as free clothing.  My cutting it is a giant middle finger to my proto-human ancestors.  Thanks evolution.

4)  The beard is kind of like a natural hoodie for the face:  its a way to hid your identity just a little bit without looking too shady. Also, other men respect a massive beard for some reason, maybe because they know my face is slightly warmer than theirs. 

2 comments:

Huge Larry said...

Ahhh, the age-old conundrum of beard vs. no beard. I've generally leaned toward no beard for most of my beard-capable years, for a few reasons:

1.) Even with a beard, I end up feeling like I must shave my neck in order to maintain some basic level of cleanliness. However, neck shaving is the worst part of shaving, so I/m not really reaping any benefit from not having to shave. Now, one might say that beard trimmers/clippers could be used to keep the neck area tidy enough to pass muster. That may be true, but I've not yet had the personal experience to prove that. Perhaps technology has improved.

2.) It takes me a very long time to grow a respectable beard, and during the interim period it looks dumb, and is also very itchy. In other words, there's a very high barrier to entry whenever I want to transition from no beard to beard.

3.) I enjoy the tactile sensation of a smooth face.

4.) Water slides smoothly off of a clean-shave face, with a nice, tidy laminar flow in the shower. A beard, on the other hand, becomes a moist wad.

Taint Montgomery said...

I need to think about my beard less and cut it more. It's not really itching anymore and I've become complacent.